The beat of the slow song bouncing off the walls makes me roll my hips despite sitting down.
I didn’t want to come tonight, something I voiced to Faith more than once. But when it finally came down to the decision of being here or spending the night alone, I got dressed and showed up, telling myself I’m here to have a good time with my friend even though I can’t keep my eyes off the man across the room.
Spade greets several of the women, his lips pressing soft kisses to more than one temple as he’s approached, and I know how one-sided my attention is because I haven’t caught him looking in my direction once. I said hello to him when I first arrived, more because he was in my path to the drinks station than anything else. He was courteous, but as I watch him with the women who just arrived, I realize he didn’t pull me in close and brush his lips on my skin. It’s leaving me feeling like I’m missing out on something, but what’s one more slap in the face? Getting shortchanged by Spade once again shouldn’t have this effect on me.
The single women stay close to the single men, not crossing any lines with the taken ones that would mean their immediate ejection from the clubhouse, and I just have to accept that Spade is on that list right along with Boomer, Aro, and Ugly.
“You’re not going to be able to drive home,” Faith says, a hint of judgment in her tone.
I look down at my drink and frown, drawing my brows together.
I hadn’t considered the outcome when I started drinking tonight.
“Maybe Ugly will let me room with him,” I respond, clinking my glass against hers.
She doesn’t grin at my joke.
“I’m surprised Amanda isn’t here.”
“Amanda has been put on the Cerberus no-fly list,” Faith says, and although I know I should ask for an explanation, all of my attention is across the room.
Spade’s laughter greets my ears as he leans forward, bending his head when one of the shorter women of the group speaks to him. His arm is resting on her back, and despite wanting to look like a million bucks and make him jealous, it seems he’s going to win this round, even though I doubt he realizes we’re playing a game.
He couldn’t care less that I’m here. The man is setting himself up for a night of fun, and not only does my presence not change that goal, but he also doesn’t even care to acknowledge I’m in the room.
He’s made it very clear that I’m not an option, not a consideration for the position, and although I didn’t show up tonight hoping that he’d see me and not be able to lift his jaw from the ground, it still feels like an insult.
I force my eyes from him and the ease he has getting a woman to fawn all over him and scan the crowd.
Love is all around, and it makes my stomach churn when I see Harley press his lips to Alyssa’s temple. I’m not annoyed exactly that they’ve found love. I’m not irritated that his parents were here earlier and took his daughter Aria back with them so the couple could have a little adult time.
I’m… fuck, I’m jealous that they have what they have while I drain my fifth drink of the night all because I’m irritated that the man I claim I don’t want flirts with another woman. I’ve turned into a bitter person, someone agitated at others’ happiness because I can’t seem to find any of my own.
I try to accept all of this, a smile toying at my lips as newlyweds Rick and Landon chat with each other with nothing but love in their eyes.
The same is everywhere I look—couples so ecstatically in love that it seems no one else exists around them. They all feel safe, loved, able to be themselves, not afraid someone is going to give them shit for having hearts in their eyes.
I know I don’t want to be one of the women Spade is fawning over tonight, but that doesn’t stop that insidious pang of something I can’t explain when my eyes wander right back to him.
He’s no longer resting his arm on that woman’s back, but the two feet of distance between them now doesn’t make me feel any better either.
“Does it bother you?”
“What?” I ask, lifting my glass to my lips only to be disappointed it’s empty. I can’t go get another drink. Not only is Spade right in the way, but I already feel judged. Plus, she’s right about not being able to drive home already, not that I can sober up enough in the next hour for me to be able to.
“That he’s flirting with other women,” Faith explains.
“No,” I answer a little too quickly. “It’s fine.”
My friend remains silent, and I know it’s her way to force me to speak, and maybe I could manage that if it weren’t for the alcohol in my system.
“I don’t own him,” I say, my words slipping out and betraying me before I can stop them. “We aren’t together.”
I shift again on the sofa when Lauren Vos walks up to the group of guys across the room. She’s nothing like the others standing around. She doesn’t have to wear a short skirt and freeze her ass off to get any attention. She’s in jeans and a cropped sweater, just a hint of her tan stomach showing when she moves a certain way. I doubt this woman has ever struggled with self-esteem issues in her life. Somehow, her confidence makes me feel less confident, and that’s seriously a shitty way to respond to another woman.
“Legend can take you home if you’re ready to go,” Faith says, but I can’t pull my eyes away from watching Spade as he perks up in Lauren’s presence. I want to ask if they have a history, but the answer will only make me feel worse.
“It’s fine,” I tell her, glaring down at my empty glass like the damned thing has betrayed me. “Who exactly is she again?”