“Yep. Nice to get some fresh air.” My hands were tucked under my chin. I just felt happy to be alive.
My mother slid my falling hair behind my ear. “You look so good. I’m happy I got my girl back. I could say little girl, but I know you don’t like that. I knew we could get you well here.”
My eyes slid to my mother, whose footsteps I was following in as a nurse. She’d been instrumental in helping me on my feet. “Thanks, I couldn’t have done it without you. I do have something to tell you.” I flipped the coaster over in my hands several times, nervous because what I wanted to tell her next would shock her.
My mother grabbed my arm quickly with a frown. “That’s distracting, tell me.”
Our coffees came out in teal mugs with cute handles, giving me time to pause before I dropped my life changing plans on her, “Umm. You’re not going to like it but I’m going to do it. I’m ready now.”
My mother didn’t react to the lead-up. She simply picked up her teal mug and sipped her mocha. “I’m listening,” she said quietly.
“I applied to work at Holbeck Hospital. I’m ready to go back to Holbeck, Mom. I’m strong enough now.” I was silently pleading with her to understand.
She slowly sat her cup down as her brow creased with worry and her thin pale lips became thinner. “Are you sure? Maybe that environment isn’t for you? Why don’t you have Sarah come here for a while, just so you can adjust and see how you go?”
“Mom, you can’t button me up like that. It’s time for me to spread my wings. I have to go to my daughter. Chalk has her in school, and a good routine. Kids need a foundation, I can’t take her away from that, and her dad.” I had to trust I knew what was best for my daughter…and myself.
The creases in her showed she wasn’t happy about this. “Yes I know, but you can keep her over the holidays. Why not take it easy? The move is so drastic,” she argued. My mother was overprotective, even more so since my illness.
I knew inside my soul I had to go. “Mom. I don’t know anything yet. I find out in a couple of days.”
She picked her cup up again, let out a little sigh and turned to me. “I wish you would have told us. We could have been better prepared. We could have helped you, you know.”
“Mom, I didn’t tell you because I knew what your reaction was going to be.” I gave her a bemused look.
“I can be overbearing, I know. I just have seen you at your worst and I never want that to happen to you again. I and your father both. Does Chalk know you’re coming back?” She looked at me expectantly.
I turned my gaze out to the ocean, continuing to sip quietly.
“You haven’t told him, have you? What are you going to do? Just go there and surprise him?” Her disapproval flashed across her face.
“Yes,” I issued the reply firmly. “I am, I’m going to work at Holbeck, settle in and spend more time with my daughter. It’s important and I have to be there for her. I don’t want her looking back and saying ‘my mother wasn’t there for me.’ My relationship with Chalk is sketchy. We talk about Sarah, but he’s distant and we don’t know how to talk anymore. I know we’re not together, but I want to know he’s okay as well. He did so much for me and I feel…guilty. I don’t know what to do, Mom.” My fears came tumbling out in a rush. I wanted to be closer to both of them.
My mother wrapped her arm around my shoulder and laid her head on it. “I’m sorry. Don’t carry that guilt, it will eat you alive. If you’re going there simply to try to escape your guilt, I don’t know if you should.”
I inhaled the salt from the air. “Mom, I’m doing my nursing, I’m not giving up my life or anything. I’m more than okay now. Talking to Sarah on the phone is breaking my heart. It’s not enough. I need to hug my child. She’s getting so big and I’m not there.” I closed my eyes and opened them again. I was praying on a unicorn that I could get into Holbeck Hospital.
“I know. I know. I need time on it, but we'll help you with the move. I know some nurses down there that can take care of you.” This was the disgruntled reply I received and a lot coming from her.
I beamed. “Thank you, Mom.”