I had the feeling he wanted something from me, but he didn’t speak until a few seconds later, when we heard the shower start running.
“I want to work out a plan for visitation,” he said directly. No beating around the bush with this guy, which was probably why I ended up pregnant in the first place.
“What kind of plan?” I asked.
“We’ll have to figure that out, but if we can do it together, I think that would be best. No involving the courts unless we have to. It’ll be easier on Gavin that way.”
“Okay,” I agreed. My only concern was that he still felt angry. It lurked beneath the surface when he talked to me, the hard edge of it constantly present.
“I want him to come to my place this weekend.”
“The whole weekend? I don’t know—”
“He’s my son too, Naomi,” Smoke snapped suddenly, like he’d been waiting for a reason to get onto me, waiting for me to deny him something. “I have a right to see him. I’ve already missed out on so much.”
“Stop with the guilt trip,” I said heatedly, getting fed up with his attitude. “I’m not saying you can’t see him, but maybe not overnight right away. Let’s do daytime visits until you know each other better.”
“You don’t trust me overnight?”
“That’s ridiculous. I’m just thinking of Gavin. It’s a lot for him to get used to.”
“I’m thinking of Gavin too, about all the time I need to make up for.”
“I don’t want to put too much pressure on him,” I explained. “Please.”
Smoke sighed. “Fine,” he said, but he didn’t sound happy about it. “Can you bring him to my place Saturday morning?”
“Sure,” I agreed, relieved that we weren’t going to fight about it. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you when I found out I was pregnant.”
“I wish I could say I forgive you, but I can’t do that. Not yet. I missed too much of my kid’s life.”
I nodded, expecting that, even if I didn’t like it.
Smoke stood, pulling a white envelope out of his back pocket. “Speaking of what I missed, I know that I have a certain responsibility…” He held out the envelope.
I took it, peeking inside. I sucked in a sharp breath as I took in the sight of the money inside. He stuffed the envelope with hundreds. “What the—there must be two thousand dollars here,” I exclaimed in astonishment as I thumbed through it.
“That’s exactly how much it is. Consider it child support. Is it enough?”
“Is it enough?” I repeated, disbelieving. “You don’t have to do this.” My heart was racing as I thought about all the bills I’d been behind on. I could get completely caught up and even pay next month’s rent before it was due. This money would help me keep a roof over Gavin’s head and running water in his shower. But I started to hand it back, shaking my head. My guilt over keeping Gavin from him made me feel like I couldn’t take this. I didn’t deserve it.
Smoke put his hands in his pockets and stepped back, refusing to take it. “It’s for Gavin,” he said simply.
I couldn’t argue against taking it with that kind of logic. “O-okay,” I said, trying to hide the shaky feeling I had as I tucked the envelope into an old coffee can I kept on the top of the refrigerator. I used it to stash cash, but it was almost empty until I added the envelope. This money would help me out so much…
“I want to help support Gavin. So, let me know if you need anything else.”
“I will,” I said, knowing I lied. I’d been used to taking care of myself and I couldn’t imagine changing that now. Depending on others had never worked out for me.
Smoke left before Gavin was out of the shower, and I tucked him into bed. “Did you enjoy seeing Smoke today?” I asked, smoothing his blanket.
“Yeah.”
I could sense he was holding something back. “But?”
“Well...I don’t think he really likes superhero movies.”
“Maybe not.” I smiled at him. “Maybe you guys can talk about the things he likes next time.”
“I guess,” he said, not sounding too sure about it.
Leaning forward. I pressed kiss to his forehead, ignoring the way he cringed. When did he become too old for mommy’s kisses?
“Goodnight, buddy,” I said as I left his room, shutting the door behind me.
I tried to imagine what it would be like to have Gavin spending the weekends at Smoke’s house, to sleep in an empty apartment. I didn’t like it one bit.