Chapter Two: Searching For A Connection
Naomi
I felt like the worst person on earth.
When I first found out I was pregnant, I was terrified. As a nineteen-year-old in her second year of college in Holbeck, Mississippi, I wasn’t ready to become a mom. But freaking out didn’t change the facts. I was six weeks along when I got a positive test result, and I had some tough decisions to make. I’d finished out my semester of college before putting school on hold. I decided to move back to Paris, Illinois, where I’d lived my whole life before relocating for college. I didn’t have any living family, but I had friends there, and it was a familiar place, where I felt comfortable raising my son.
I had agonized over the decision of whether or not to tell Jay for weeks. My neighbor, who had thrown the party where we met, should have been able to tell me how to get a hold of him if I wanted to, but I had eventually decided not to do it.
I didn’t know Jay really. He could have been an irresponsible slacker, or a college student focused on his own future and wouldn’t want anything to do with his kid. He could have been a total jerk, someone that I didn’t want to be a part of my child’s life. Or he could have been a great guy, a perfect dad.
In the end, I’d panicked and didn’t want to take a chance it could turn out badly for Gavin. I had chosen to do it all on my own.
But over the years, I felt more and more guilty about my decision. I knew Jay was missing out on huge milestones as Gavin grew, but the more time passed, the harder it became to make myself reach out to him. The guilt got worse, especially as Gavin got old enough to notice that he didn’t have a daddy like most of his friends. I told him what I knew about Smoke, but it was embarrassingly little.
Now, I was back in Holbeck, re-enrolled at Magnolia University. I wanted to finish earning my degree in social services at the same college I attended before. I couldn’t keep talking myself out of contacting Jay. I had spent years telling myself it was best to keep things the way they were because we were over six hundred miles apart. Now, I didn’t have that excuse to fall back on.
Still, it had taken me months to work up the courage to come to his house. I had been able to find him through our old mutual friend, but I couldn’t help hesitating. What if he was angry?
It turned out I’d been right about that, and I didn’t have much of a defense. I was young and scared, but that didn’t change the fact that I had robbed him of a huge chunk of his son’s childhood.
Glancing in the rearview mirror, I saw Gavin staring out the window, looking pensive. He hadn’t said much at Smoke’s place, but I knew my son well enough to know that his first meeting with his father didn’t go the way he wanted it to either. Maybe Smoke was right and I should have come alone the first time, but I was afraid he might not believe me. If he could see Gavin, noting the similarities between them, the man couldn’t deny him, right?
I felt like I was screwing this all up already.
“So, what are you thinking, buddy?” I asked, trying to sound chipper, as if Jay hadn’t been angry with me.
“I don’t think he likes me,” Gavin said.
His answer made my heart clench. “Of course, he does,” I insisted. It’s me, he doesn’t like.
“He was mad.”
“Not at you. He was just...surprised.”
“Maybe he doesn’t want to have a kid.”
We were only a couple blocks away from the apartment, but I pulled over so I could swivel around in my seat and look him in the eye. I could see disappointment there. “Talk to me. What’s going on in your head?”
“I thought he’d be...more like me.”
“What do you mean?”
“He seems like a tough guy.”
I understood what he meant by that. Jay…Smoke wasn’t exactly the same lanky young man with thick brown hair I’d slept with twelve years ago. He’d filled out, with thick arm muscles and a ripped abdomen that I could see even through his white T-shirt. He had tattoos visible on each bicep beneath the hem of his shirt sleeves, and he kept his hair very short.
I could see how Gavin got the impression that he was a ‘tough guy,’ but personally, I liked the changes in his appearance. When I’d reminded him of our past, the memory of our night together combined with his new look to ignite a fire in my blood, one that had been quickly doused by the cold response he gave me when he found out what I had kept from him. I couldn’t let myself even consider trying to go down that road again. It clearly wasn’t going to happen.
It was probably just as well. Smoke being Gavin’s father was complicated enough without trying to pursue another night with him.
“He might seem different from you, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find some common ground. I won’t force you to spend time with him if you decide you don’t want to,” I said, even though I felt sure it wouldn’t go over well with Smoke at all. “But I think you should try to find that connection before giving up. You’ve always wanted a dad. It might take some effort to make it work, but I think you’ll be happy once you get to know each other.”
Since I’d seen Jay again and told him the big news about having a child, I felt confident that he would step up and be a part of Gavin’s life. I’d do whatever I needed to do to make sure their relationship would be worthwhile for my son.
“Maybe he likes comic books?”
I smiled at the slight hope I detected in his voice, “Maybe. You’ll have to ask him.”