“Oh, don’t get mixed up in that. You can’t make me happy. But you can contribute to my happiness, or make things more difficult. I would like it if you were trying to contribute good things.”
“What’s the difference?”
“There’s too many things that have happened to me that you didn’t have anything to do with that have made things hard. So it can’t be up to you to fix them.”
“Yeah. Again, I don’t see why.”
“Because it isn’t like that. Okay?”
He shrugged. And she had the feeling that wasn’t an agreement. She had a feeling she hadn’t one. She had a feeling that he was going to be a lot more difficult than she anticipated.
But if he would just shrug and make pancakes, then that was fine.
“Do you want to know the first time I thought you were beautiful?”
She lifted her face, her eyes clashing with his, horror hitting her square in the stomach. “I’m not sure that I do.”
But part of her, this desperate, fluttering part of her, did want to know. Why wasn’t that part of her dead? Why had not that part of her died with Chuck? This part of her that acted like a teenage girl, and wanted... To have her crush tell her that she was pretty. That’s what he was. Her crush.
Her crush she was having a baby with. Her crush she’d slept with. But a crush nonetheless.
“Yeah. Well. Let’s just get it out in the open. You think that the way that we are is the way that it’s going to be. So I think that we need to get some stuff out there. Don’t you?”
“I don’t know.”
“Yeah. Well. I’m a decisive kind of guy. It’s a risky proposition though it may be... I remember seeing you when you first got engaged to him. And you were hanging out down in front of the bar. I think you and your friends were angling to get some beers bought for you. But you were too young. And you were laughing. And I remember the way the sun kind of hit you from behind. And you were just lit up. And it wasn’t just the sun. It was your joy. And I just remember your hair was so shiny and perfect, and your skin was brown all lit up in gold. And I wanted to touch you. And there was a ring shining on your finger, and I knew that I never would. And it’s a funny thing. Because I have a level of deep acceptance about that which I can’t change or have in this life. Which I’m not in charge of. That comes from loss. Maybeacceptanceis a strong word, I don’t know. But I get it. I’m not in charge of everything. But it just felt... It really felt like a kick in the face. In that moment. That I could want you like I did, but never have you.”
The words took the breath out of her lungs, and like all other beautiful things in her life... They were a complication. She wanted to feel flattered, but that wasn’t enough. It was too easy of a response. Too shallow.
“I didn’t know,” she whispered.
“Why should you? It wasn’t a thing that could happen. It wasn’t a thing.”
Did she tell him? It felt risky. It felt like standing on the edge of a cliff. But if this really was about honesty... Could she actually let the unspoken hang between them? Or did she need to say something?
“The first time I noticed you I was in middle school. You were playing football. And I thought that you were... Like a movie star.”
“Is that so?”
“Yeah. Unfortunately.”
“So we just kept missing each other.”
“Yeah. We just kept missing each other.”
“Well, we managed to make it stick when we didn’t miss, didn’t we?”
“I am deeply uncomfortable with all of this,” she said, putting her face in her hands.
“Life’s uncomfortable.”
“So are you... You’re going to stay here? You’re not going to go back out to the circuit?”
“Yeah. I expect that’s what I’ll do. I was looking for confirmation. On what I should do. And this pretty much decides it for me. I have something to stay for.”
“Yeah.”
And there was something about that that settled her. He had something to stay for. And she had something new to live for. This child.