I close my eyes and consider. Do I have feelings for Ansell? It’s hard to imagine myself falling for the Ice King—falling for a man that doesn’t seem to feel anything at all—but when I’m around him, it’s like I’m fully awake and present. When he pulls me into his office to fuck me against the desk, or when he finds me in the living room at his apartment and ravishes me on the couch, or when he pins me against the wall in the shower and licks me from behind and purrs my name, I swear there’s something inside of him, something flickering and real and bright, something he keeps hidden beneath layers of pain and darkness.
I don’t know why he’s so locked up and hidden away, but it scares me. There are things about Ansell that make me wary. His lack of emotions for one, but more than that, I know he’s done things in the past that would terrify me. Dangerous, illegal, deadly things, and I don’t know if I can be with a man like that.
I’ve always had this idea about myself, ever since I was a little girl. I pictured a good man, a clean man, a happy man. One who wants a family and can express himself easily, who laughs willingly, who wants to go on adventures and have kids. Ansell isn’t any of that, not really. I can’t imagine him with children, and he rarely ever laughs—I’m not sure if I’ve ever actually heard him so much as chuckle. His smiles are like frost on a mid-winter windshield, and his frowns are as pervasive as weeds.
There’s nothing warm in him, nothing inviting. He’s not the kind of man I’d close my eyes and dream about as a little girl.
And yet does that matter? Does what I think I want matter when what I actually want is standing right in front of me?
“I don’t know,” I say finally after an agonizingly long pause and it’s the truth. I don’t know if I have feelings for Ansell, and I especially don’t know if he has feelings for me, because I’m not sure if he can feel at all like that, or if his feelings are too small and fleeting to sustain a relationship.
“Well, crap,” Blair says quietly and leans up next to me. “I’m sorry, Marie. I had no clue you were going through all this. I mean, with William, yeah, and your dad too, but Ansell? God, it’s crazy.”
“I know. And throw Pride in the mix too.”
“You’re a full-on manager now and you’re banging the boss. How’s that for job security?” I grimace and she laughs, patting my arm. “Don’t worry, I’m not telling anyone. You have way too much drama around you as it is.”
“I just want a normal week. Like, a regular, boring old week for once. That’s not asking a lot.”
“It’s really not. But unfortunately, you’re busy banging gorgeous frozen lord Ice King and god, I never thought I’d say this, but I’m jealous.”
“You’re jealous of little old me?”
“You get to live in a gorgeous apartment with a handsome man and have no-strings-attached sex whenever you want it. That’s… sort of the dream, right?”
“Speak for yourself.” I lean my head on her shoulder. “My dream was to marry a man that loves me. Instead, I got William, and now I have Ansell, and I’m not sure if either of them are capable of true human emotions.”
“William can feel. Except he can only feel for himself and nobody else.”
I laugh and Blair hugs me. We stay like that for a few minutes watching people walk past, the flow of the city churning in all directions, and I wonder if I’ m digging myself deeper and deeper. The longer I stay with Ansell, the more attached I’m getting, and I don’t know if this attachment is real or just a product of the sex.
“Come on,” Blair says, standing up straight. “There’s a guy over by the corner that’s been staring at us for like two minutes now and it’s creeping me out.”
My feet go numb and I grab her arm, digging my fingers in. “Where?”
“Over there.” She points toward the corner and groans. “Oh, god, now he’s walking this way. Come on, let’s get inside.”
I follow her gaze and I nearly scream. Heiko’s coming toward us with a smile on his face, and every instinct inside is telling me to get the hell out of there.
But talking to Blair shook something loose inside of me. Having her hear the story from an outside perspective made me see just how unreal and crazy this has all been. Heiko can’t waltz over here and abduct me in broad daylight, even with the backing of the Crawford family. They may be powerful and rich, but they’re not immune to laws.