I’ve never seen Moira look scared of anything, and the sight of it breaks my heart. I lean closer and kiss her cheek. “You’re the bravest woman I’ve ever met, baby, and I know you can do this. I’m so proud of you.”
“Okay, so things are looking good, and progressing at a pretty fast rate,” Doctor Reed says from between Moira’s legs. “You should be ready to push soon. If you want an epidural, now is the time.”
Moira’s green eyes lock on mine. “Why are my only options a giant needle to the spine or excruciating pain as our baby tears through my vagina?”
Doctor Reed stands up with a smile. “When you put it that way,” she says with a laugh. “What’s your decision?”
Another contraction hits before she can answer, and seeing Moira in so much pain is more than I can take. “Baby, get the epidural,” I beg, knowing that I’ve found my weakness. I’ve caused so much physical pain for others and not given the slightest fuck about it, but seeing the woman I love grimacing as pain racks her body is my limit.
When she can speak again, she says, “I’ll take the giant needle in the spine.”
Chapter17
Moira
If I wasn’t in so much pain, I’d be laughing at how terrified my big, strong husband looks. It’s adorable, and I don’t know what I’d do without him. Every time a contraction hits, he’s right next to me, letting me squeeze the hell out of his hand and telling me how proud he is of me and how much he loves me.
When a man comes in to administer the epidural and he has me sit up, Nikolai squats right in front of me, holding my hands and keeping his eyes locked on mine the entire time. His beautiful, dark eyes are the only thing keeping me sane while I think about a very long needle being inserted into my back. The process feels like it’s taking forever, and when another contraction starts to hit, the anesthesiologist says, “Hold very still,” and I shoot Nikolai a look that has him biting back a laugh.
Once it’s all done, I’m happy to see that it does take the edge off the contractions, and when I’m lying back in the bed, I feel like I’m actually able to catch my breath again.
“Feel better?” Nikolai asks me, leaning down to kiss my forehead.
“Much, much better,” I say, making him smile. I can still see how tense he still is, though. He’s trying to hide it, but the man looks more worried than I’ve ever seen him. I run my thumb over his tense brow. “Stop worrying.”
“I’m trying not to.”
He sits on the side of my bed, feeding me ice cubes and rubbing my belly when I feel pressure from the contractions. It’s not long before Doctor Reed is coming back in and hiking my numb legs back into the stirrups. She lets out a triumphant, “You’re fully dilated, Moira,” from between my legs, and I suddenly feel the enormous weight of what’s about to happen.
Nikolai notices and cups my face, forcing my eyes back to his. “You’re doing amazing. I’m so proud of you, baby.”
I cling to his words as the nurse gets me ready to push. Doctor Reed squeezes my knee and even with the mask covering most of her face, I can tell she’s smiling by the way her eyes change shape.
“Are you two ready to meet your daughter?”
I squeeze Nikolai’s hand and shake my head yes.
“Okay,” she says, bending back down again. “When I tell you to push, I need you to push as hard as you can.”
I bring my other hand to grab onto Nikolai’s forearm, needing to feel his strong, reassuring presence when Doctor Reed tells me to push and I bear down with all the strength I have. I grit my teeth and push, knowing in my heart that all the stamina and strength I’ve worked so hard to build over the years boils down to this one moment when I get to use it to bring our daughter into the world. I focus on the feel of Nikolai’s arm and Doctor Reed’s voice as she guides me through a mix of stopping and pushing until I’m sweaty and exhausted.
“Okay, stop, Moira,” Doctor Reed says. “Just relax and breathe.” She peeks her head up at Nikolai. “Do you want to see?”
Nikolai gives me a smile, keeping his hand on me as he walks the couple of feet to look between my legs. I study his face for any signs of horror or disgust, but all I see is so much love as his dark eyes turn glassy.
“She’s so beautiful, Moira,” he whispers, completely in awe of our daughter who in that one brief moment has managed to wrap her daddy completely around her little finger.
“One more push, Moira, and then you can meet your baby,” Doctor Reed says, snapping me back into action.
With a groan, I push our baby into the world. Nikolai quickly grabs my hand and lets out an exhilarated laugh when Doctor Reed places our daughter on my stomach and she lets out a lusty scream that has my eyes filling with tears and my heart so full it doesn’t seem possible. Nikolai and I both reach for her, bringing her to my chest where she’s already trying to root around for my nipple.
I look at Doctor Reed for help. She gives me a big smile and says, “She’s a beautiful, healthy little girl, and the quicker she nurses, the better.”
When she latches on, I look up at Nikolai and start to sob. His eyes soften, and he wraps his arms around the both of us. “I’m so proud of you, baby.” He kisses me and then kisses our daughter’s small head. She opens her eyes, looking from me to her daddy, and Nikolai lets out a shaky breath. We wanted to mix our cultures, so we decided on Ekaterina Riley, Katya for short, and seeing her big green eyes and head full of dark hair, I can’t help but think the name suits her perfectly.
“This is my whole world,” he says, and I cry even harder when I see the tears running down his cheeks. “The two of you are my entire life, and I love you both so much it hurts.” He runs his fingers over our daughter’s tiny hands, laughing when she squeezes onto him. Leaning in closer he kisses her again and talks to her in Russian, letting her hear his native tongue.
I look at my husband and daughter, and I finally understand what it means to have a family, and I know I’ll do everything within my power to make sure they always know how much I love them. Nikolai and I can’t take our eyes off her. We watch her every moment and memorize every small detail of how she looks in this moment until the nurse comes to take her to get cleaned up.