“Don’t I fucking know it,” he says, trying to make me laugh. It doesn’t work, so he adds, “If I hear anything from Gina, I’ll let you know. It’s possible Moira will call her.”
I perk up at this. I’ve been so worried about what happened that I haven’t been thinking clearly. Of course she’s going to talk to Gina. That’s what women did, right? I mean, look at me. I’m sitting here talking to Dima, so it makes sense that Moira would do the same.
“Can you ask her now?”
Dima smiles and grabs his phone. He texts Gina a quick message, and it feels like an eternity, but it’s probably only a minute tops, before there’s a soft ding. Dima looks at his phone and says, “No, she hasn’t called or texted yet.” He types a reply and looks up at me. “She will, Kolya. Don’t worry.”
“Yeah, I’ll get right on that.” I cringe a bit at how damn pouty I sound. I’m not used to someone being under my skin like this, and I’m definitely not used to being ignored by a woman. I can’t say I care for it.
“Just don’t do what I did. If she shows up outside your window in the middle of a storm, demanding to be let in, fucking let her in, like immediately.”
I see the pained look on his face when he remembers the time he almost lost Gina. I hope one day I can reminiscence about the time I almost lost Moira, ideally while my arms are wrapped around her and I’m buried inside her. The alternative is sitting on a barstool years from now with a very large vodka in hand, remembering how I once had everything and I let it slip right through my damn fingers.
The image shocks me back to reality. I’m way too antsy to just sit around all day. Not surprisingly, Dima already knows what I’m thinking. He waves his hand at me and says, “Go look for her. I’ll text you if I hear anything.”
“Thanks,” I say, already halfway out the door. I get in my car and start driving around. I know my chances of just randomly spotting her are slim to none, but that doesn’t stop me from trying. My eyes scan the cars around me, searching for a black Jeep with a decal of a red pair of boxing gloves in the bottom right corner of the back window. After several hours of trying to call her mixed in with many false sightings that did nothing except ramp my blood pressure up to dangerous levels, I have a massive headache, and I’m getting more worried by the second.
I drive back to her club, forcing myself to stop and grab some food on the way. I’m not hungry in the slightest, but I haven’t eaten anything all day, and I’m starting to feel the effects of it. I grab two meals in the hopes that maybe she’ll be at the club. She may turn me down, but I know how much she loves cheeseburgers, so maybe that’ll be enough to at least get me in the door. I shouldn’t have bothered, I realize, when I pull in front of her club and see that it’s just as deserted as when I left it this morning.
I turn the car off and call her yet again. I’ve apparently called more than I thought because I get an annoying voice in my ear telling me the number’s voicemail is full before it disconnects the call. I switch to texting and send her yet another message.
I’m parked outside your club again. Please call or text me back. I’ve been looking for you all day. I’m not stopping until you agree to talk to me. Please let me explain. I love you.
When she doesn’t respond, I let out a sigh and grab the bag of food. I sit in my car, eating my supper and not tasting a bite of it. When I’m done, and she still hasn’t texted or called, I eat her meal, too, just so I can have something to do. I’m not sure how much longer I can handle this. I keep looking at the glass entrance doors, thinking about how easy it would be to break them open and walk in. I’m pretty sure she’s not here, but that closed office door is taunting the hell out of me. All I can think about is her alone, lying on her sad little airbed, miserable and lonely.
Knowing she might be in there makes it impossible for me to leave. I grab my coat from the backseat and drape it over me, already feeling the cold night start to creep in. I turn my car back on for a few minutes just so I can turn the heat on full blast. I can’t keep it on all night, though, and the miserable sleep I have looming in my future just reminds me of how much I deserve it. I deserve every bad thing that’s happening to me, but knowing it doesn’t make it any easier to tolerate.
Shutting off my car, I huddle back under my coat and recline my seat enough so I can lay back but also see out the windows in case she comes out or pulls up. I keep my phone on my chest and close my eyes, hoping like hell when I wake up this nightmare will be over.
Chapter9
Moira
Iknow he’s still parked outside. I can feel it. I pull the covers tighter around me and burrow deeper into my airbed, not wanting to ever come out. I’d thought parking my Jeep down the road would be enough to keep him away, but I should’ve known better. He’s way too stubborn to just give up.
Memories from this morning flit through my mind, making me groan again at the embarrassment of it all. I’ll never forget the look of absolute horror and disgust when he’d seen what was seriously a very small amount of blood on his precious sheets. I’d never been more mortified in my life. He’d seemed so angry at me for not telling him, and it only makes me happy that I didn’t tell him the night before like I’d thought about doing. God, if he’d reacted this badly afterwards, I can’t imagine how much he would’ve freaked out before.
As much as it hurts and as embarrassed as I am, I can’t stop remembering how amazing the night had been. It had been everything I’d ever wanted. For a few precious hours, I’d had it all, and I’d loved every second of it. I never knew anything could feel that good, and not even the dull ache between my legs does anything to downplay all the pleasure he’d given me. I can still hear his voice in my ear, telling me he loves me, and when I feel the hot tears falling down my cheeks yet again, I let out a frustrated growl and flop onto my back, pushing the blankets off me in a sudden, claustrophobic rage.
I’m not ready to face Nikolai, but I’m also not willing to stay in here and piss myself. With a groan, I roll off my airbed and creep to the door. Ducking down, I open the door a crack and peer out. I can’t see out to the parking spaces in front of the building, but I can see the front door, and it looks clear, so I sneak through and shut the door behind me so it looks like nothing has changed. Keeping the lights off, I use the moonlight to duck walk my way to the front, feeling like an idiot, especially if there really is no one out there, but not feeling so stupid that I’m willing to stand and risk seeing him.
When I’m close enough, I lift my head enough to peek out the large window in front. As soon as I see Nikolai’s car, my heart starts racing. He’s reclined in his seat with his eyes closed, and he looks so damn gorgeous it makes my heart hurt. My whole body tenses with the need to run out these doors and bang on his window. I just want to be in his arms again, and I hate myself a little bit for it. I’ve always been so damn strong, but he makes me want to let my guard down. I want to be soft for him, not this prickly woman who always keeps people at arm’s length out of fear. I want to trust him, but then I remember that I did trust him. I trusted him enough to sleep with him, and that hadn’t ended so hot for me.
I take one last look at his beautiful face before turning away and walking to the bathrooms. After a quick shower, I heat up a frozen dinner in the dark and then scurry back to my airbed. I try not to think about how pathetic I feel as I eat lukewarm mac and cheese by the light of my iPad. The fantasy movie I’m streaming is one I loved when I was a kid, but not even this tried-and-true, feel-good remedy is enough to make me forget about how miserable I’m feeling.
I eat as much as I can stomach and throw the rest away. After I lay down, I listen to all the messages Nikolai left me again, just so I can hear his voice. I fall asleep with the phone pressed to my ear and don’t wake up until I hear a loud ding the next morning. My groggy brain takes a second to realize it’s another new message. Rubbing my eyes, I roll over and look at my phone.
Please talk to me, Moira.
I sigh and set the phone down. I can’t keep hiding in this room. Sooner or later he’s going to see me leaving the office, or he’s just going to lose all patience and break the damn glass. It’s times like these I really wish I had a mom. I think I’d be in a much better position to handle something like this if I had a grown woman around who could dish out the kind of wisdom you only get from living longer than my twenty-one years.
I know exactly what my dad would’ve told me. I can see the nasty grin on his face now and smell the whiskey on his breath. I would’ve gotten the oldYou’re lucky to have anyone, Moira. Stop being stupid and be thankful he wants you at all. That, of course, would’ve been followed with a sharp smack of some kind. Of course knowing it was a Russian who wanted me may have given even my dad pause. My whole family is probably turning in their graves at the idea of me hooking up with the enemy. I briefly think about telling my grandad all about it in a letter.
Aside from the brief joy that image gives me, I know that this kind of thinking is only going to depress me further. It’s time to start trying to think of solutions. I may not have a wise mom I can talk to, but maybe I do have someone who can help. Grabbing my phone again, I ignore all the doubts and insecurities running through my mind and send a text to Gina.
Hey, Gina. Sorry to bother you, but do you think you could help me? Nikolai and I kind of had a fight, and I could really use someone to talk to. If you’re busy, that’s okay. I’ll be fine. I just thought maybe I’d ask.
I send the text before I keep making up excuses and downplaying everything. She immediately texts me back.