My plan to race back across town turns into more of a painfully slow crawl where, I swear, I hit every damn red light there is. By the time I pull into the Irish club, I’m so pissed and worried that it takes me a second to realize her Jeep isn’t parked out front. I’d been so sure I’d find her here, that the possibility of her actually not being here never even entered my head. It should have, though. She was so angry when she’d left this morning, and my meeting with Vadim would’ve given her plenty of time to come back here and grab what she needed before leaving, but where the fuck would she go?
I get out so I can look through the front doors, but the place looks empty. As worried as I am, I can’t help but feel a stab of pride when I see how amazing she’s made this place look in the last few weeks, and she’d done it all by herself. She truly is an amazing woman, and I let her just slip right through my goddamn fingers. Knowing it’s pointless, I still bang on the door and yell her name. I keep hoping her beautiful face will emerge from the shut office door, but it never does.
“Moira!” I yell again, giving the door a good bang. “If you’re in there, please come talk to me!"
I wait a few more minutes, but when there’s nothing but silence, I go back to my car and grab my phone. She still hasn’t called or texted me back, so I call her again, and this time when it goes to voicemail, I leave a message.
“Moira, please call me back so we can talk.” I let out a sigh as fear threatens to overtake me. I kept telling myself that she’d talk to me and that we could work this out, but I should’ve known it wouldn’t be that easy. I hurt her, and she’s a stubborn woman. I realize I may have lost her for good, and the thought has me letting out a shaky breath before saying, “I’m sorry, more sorry than I can possibly say. I love you. Please call me.”
I hang up before I start blubbering over the phone like an idiot, but that’s exactly what I feel like doing. Memories of last night haunt me. I swear I can still feel her in my arms if I close my eyes, still smell her sweet scent and hear her voice moaning my name. It makes me never want to open my eyes again, not if this is the only way I can have her. I’d happily stay in darkness if it gives me Moira. I don’t want to face a reality without her, but I also know that sitting here isn’t doing anything to help me get her back. I force my eyes open to the light of day and start my car.
The drive back to the Red Wolf feels way longer than it should, but at the same time, it passes so fast I can’t even remember the actual drive to get here. I’m operating purely on instinct, not even aware of what’s going on around me. I can’t help but scan the parking lot, hoping like hell that her black Jeep will just magically appear, but it’s only Dima’s car in the lot, and I park next to him with a resigned sigh. Moira doesn’t want to be found, at least not by me. I just hope she doesn’t make me wait too long. I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.
Not knowing what else to do, I go inside and make my way to the office, ignoring all the guys who are working out. Not even the sound of fists hitting heavy bags can calm me, and when I step through the doorway, Dima takes one look at me and says, “What the fuck happened to you? You’re supposed to look happy after getting laid, Kolya. Surely, even you can manage that.”
His laugh dies in his throat when I don’t join in. I sit in the chair in front of his desk and rest my head in my hands.
“What happened?”
I hear the squeak of his chair and know he’s leaning forward, waiting for me to talk. That’s as close to a hug as I’m going to get. We may be sentimental and touchy-feely with our chosen women, but that’s where it stops. Neither one of us has seen the other cry since the night we found Sergei, and I plan on it staying that way.
With a sigh, I lift my head and say, “I fucked up, Dima.”
“I figured that one out all on my own. Tell me what happened. Things looked like they were going pretty well last night when we picked up Seryozha. What could you have possibly done to ruin it?”
“We fucked, and it was perfect,” I say, hating the part that comes next and not wanting to say it. At least I get to tell it in Russian. It’s hard enough to remember, but there’s a small comfort in using my native tongue, and I’ll take any comfort I can get right now.
“She said she loved me, I said it back, and it was just so damn perfect. This morning we started having sex again, and she winced, like really fucking bad, Dima, not just the usual soreness, and I freaked out.” I shake my head at my own dickish behavior. “I threw back the covers and demanded she tell me what was wrong. There was blood, just a little, but it was there, and it was enough.”
“Oh, fuck,” Dima breathes out.
“She was a virgin. I’d had no idea, and I’d been so rough.” Just the memory of how hard I’d fucked her has me wincing in sympathy. “I handled it as poorly as you can possibly handle it, too, which didn’t help. I was so shocked and hurt that she hadn’t told me, but it all came out wrong. It was like I was screaming at her for being a virgin and daring to hide it from me.”
I lean back with a sigh and look at my best friend, the man who’s known me since I was just a young orphan that nobody wanted or cared about. I still remember the way he used to sneak me food because he knew I wasn’t getting near enough to eat. I have no doubt in my mind that I’d be dead right now if it weren’t for this man. Orphans are kicked out at age sixteen, but I’d been running away long before then. Eventually, they gave up trying to find me and haul me back. After that, I stayed with Dima and his family for a little bit, and then on the streets. After his parents died, I started living with him and his brother, helping to pay rent with any fighting money I earned. I trust his opinion more than anyone else’s, but I’m guessing I’m not going to like what he’s about to say.
He leans back with a sigh, keeping his eyes on me. “Damn, Kolya, you fucked up.”
“I didn’t come here for you to tell me that. I already know that. Just tell me how to fix it. She’s not at her club, and she refuses to answer her phone or respond to my texts.”
“And that surprises you? Moira doesn’t seem like the kind of person to soften up and want to talk about her feelings after been completely mortified and made to feel bad.”
I shoot him a look as if to say,Can we please stop rubbing salt in the wound?
“Fine,” he answers, reading my look perfectly. “But it’s going to be hard to convince her she should trust you again. She’s like a porcupine, a very prickly porcupine.”
“I’m sure it would please her to no end to hear that.” I rub my hand over my face in frustration. “That’s the thing, though, she may be prickly, but it’s just to protect herself. She’s very vulnerable under all that. She exposed herself to me, fully and completely, and then I turned around and hurt her in the worst way possible.”
“On the plus side,” Dima says, giving me the faintest hint of a smile, “you did manage to find yourself a virgin.”
“Such a fucking asshole,” I say, remembering the talk we’d had after he found out Gina was a virgin. I’d said I needed to find myself one, but, fuck, I hadn’t actually thought that was a possibility. Truth is, I don’t give a rat’s ass if Moira was a virgin or not. I mean, I hate to think of her having been with other men, but it’s not like I can really bitch about that. I haven’t exactly been living the life of a monk. I do wish I’d known, though. I would’ve tried harder to make it special for her and gentle.
“All is not lost, Kolya. Remember what an idiot I’d been when I pushed Gina away?”
“Vividly,” I say, making him laugh.
“She forgave me, and Moira will forgive you, too. Just be patient.”
“That’s not my strong suit.”