* * *
This entire weekend has been too much. I’ve survived so much, powered through, stayed strong, but everything that’s happened these last few days, the things I’ve learned… I thought I had a handle on it all until this morning. This stalker thing might just be what pushes me over the edge to the place I can’t come back from.
I wish it was just the Raleigh thing. I’ve survived that before. I know I can do it again, but that on top of everything else? I don’t think I can handle it all at once, but I don’t have any other option. Nobody else is going to do it for me. I have to save myself.
My world is spinning off axis, and I feel so fucking alone. Not for the first time, my anger at my dad rears its head for leaving me to this cesspit. He might have raised me to deal with shit on my own, but maybe, just maybe I don’t want to. I tried to deal with him spiraling alone and look where that got me. Back here, acting like someone I don’t recognize. It’s like losing him turned me back into that useless little girl I was before we left.
Sitting around in the dark probably isn’t helping me deal with anything, but that’s what I’m doing anyway. I thought coming to the theater room and putting on a movie might help me compartmentalize; I usually do it so well. But today… it’s as if that part of my brain has just fully shut the hell down. The absolute nothing I got from the boys this morning just has everything turned upside down. Telling them to get the fuck out was only the smallest part of what I wanted to do.
I can’t tell if I’m angry, disappointed, or just so fucking sad.
I guess the only person I can really rely on is myself.
My phone beeps, the new security system letting me know one of the doors has opened. Got to love that nifty little upgrade. I flick to the cameras and see Finley walking through my entrance hall. What the hell is he doing back here?
He pauses, tilting his head as if trying to work out where I am, and then a small smile plays on his lips as he looks directly up at the camera. ‘Found you’ he says to the camera, then disappears off screen. It’s not long before the door to the theater room opens and his frame casts an imposing silhouette in the light spilling through the doorway.
I should probably feel angry that he’s here, scared even after everything that’s happened, but I just feel numb. “What do you want, Finn?”
His old nickname slips from my lips but I’m too tired to care. This man staring down at me is so far from the boy I used to call my friend. “I wanted to talk. Just the two of us.”
“I’m not sure what there is to say.” I sigh, tucking my knees up against my chest inside my oversized hoodie.
He shakes his head and steps forward, the door closing softly behind him as he approaches with his hands up in surrender. “This morning was a colossal fuckup. I didn’t say much of anything, but what I should have said was, I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry?” I let out a dry laugh, quirking a brow at him as he sits down next to me, turned so I can see his face clearly.
He nods, and as much as I hate to admit it, I can see just how sorry he is in his eyes. It’s hard to describe, but it’s just there for me to see. The guy who opens up to no one, showing me a part of himself. Just like he used to. “What exactly are you sorry for?”
“I’m sorry for hurting you. I know it won’t make any sense to you, but I was trying to keep you safe. There’s more going on here than you know but I can’t tell you yet, and I’m sorry for that too.” He takes a deep breath, scrubbing a hand down his face.
My heart pounds in my chest at that small bit of information. I knew there was something else going on. I knew I wasn’t hallucinating. I cling to that tiny shred of information like it’s a lifeline. “But why can’t you tell me? If it affects me, I deserve to know what the hell is going on.”
I’m sick of being left in the dark. If I’m really going to start taking charge of my own shit. I need to know what’s happening around me.
“V, I wish I could tell you, but I can’t.”
I sigh, exasperated. What the fuck does that even mean? “That’s a bullshit non-answer, Finley. I deserve to know what’s happening. Especially when I’m supposedly the one in danger. You say you’re trying to keep me safe, but I’d be safer if I knew what the hell is going on, and if you guys weren’t such giant jackholes to me.”
“I’m sorry for being an asshole, I am. If there was any other way… but I won’t apologize for trying to keep you safe. I will never be sorry for that, but I’m sorry for the way we went about it. For the pain it caused you. I never wanted to hurt you… Not really. ” He drops his head so he’s looking at his clenched hands in his lap. I hate that I hurt for him, that he’s obviously been through a lot, but I don’t know how to move past this. “I’m mostly sorry for not getting to you sooner on Friday.”
I let out a deep sigh and tuck my chin under the neckline of my hoodie too. “Friday wasn’t your fault. You guys got me out of there before anything really happened. That much I should probably thank you for… but the rest of it? How am I supposed to believe that everything has changed between us? You won’t tell me anything, you treated me like shit, attacked the people I love, hell, you nearly broke me… Keeping me in the dark isn’t exactly the way to go about fixing things. I felt so alone after my dad died… the only bearable thing about being sent back here after that was that I might get to see you guys again, and honestly… you guys crushed me. If I didn’t have other shit to keep me going…”
He swallows, his throat bobbing, and I know my words hit home. “I’m sorry—”
“Sorry doesn’t fix everything, Finley,” I snap, tired of the empty apology.
“I know,” he says, nodding, “and you have no reason to trust me, but I’m still going to ask you to trust me on this one thing. I’m going to do everything I can to earn your trust back, V. Whatever it takes.”
Biting the inside of my cheek, I consider his words. He seems genuine, and he’s letting me see past his walls, but I still don’t know what to do. That little voice inside my head tells me not to trust him, but my heart, my intuition, tells me he’s on my side.
And holy fuck could I use someone on my side.
“Okay,” I nod, “but earning my trust isn’t going to be easy, Finn. You guys put me through hell these last few months. I’m not ready to forgive you yet, either, but we can have an actual truce or something.”
“I’ll take whatever you give me. But, V, I’m not going anywhere. I’m in this. I lost you once already, I tried to push you away and that didn’t work, so you had better prepare yourself for having me in your life, because I’m not going anywhere ever again.”
His declaration makes my heart race and I nod, because there isn’t anything more I can do. I want to ask more questions, find out what is happening, but he already shut me down once.