“Is my bed that uncomfortable? Or do you snore? I’m a pretty heavy sleeper. I can handle most things. But if you kick me while I’m sleeping, that starts a full fight,” I warn.
He shakes his head and kisses me again. “Spending the night together is … special. More intimate than sex and it’s a thing couples do.”
“I’m working on it, Matthew.”
“We agreed that it was going to happen with the move. I’m not rushing you.” He promises.
“I already told Miles. Well, he kind of made me tell him, but I did. I think he knows that was our last time together.”
“And Gunner?”
I sigh. “He got me a few nights ago. I gave him a good night, and he gave me a good night, but I confirmed, Matthew. There’s nothing between me and Gunner. Nothing serious. He’s funny and fun. Sex is great, but that’s it.”
“Nick, Holden … Roman?”
I narrow my eyes and get out of bed. I don’t like him sparring with me like this. It’s been a near-constant conversation between us this last week. Him wondering if I’m going to regret being with just him. Him sure that I’m going to cave and end up wanting them again after a few weeks of just us.
“If you don’t trust me, just say it! If this conversation is going to continue when we’re in New York …”
“It’s not. I just want to make sure we’re both in this, Bella. That’s all.” He cups my face between his hands. “You can’t blame me for that. You’ve had the full attention of six guys. Undivided and complete attention of all six of us. Satisfying you, giving you our different personalities, giving you everything. How can I compare to that?”
I rub his sides and will him to understand. I just want him to read my mind. “You’re the one I have a future with, Matthew. You’re the one I know better than anyone else. You’re the one I want to build a life with.”
He takes a slow breath, then nods. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have doubted you. I’m in a hard place. Keeping this from my friends, wanting to have you all to myself. Being impatient.”
I kiss his neck. “You let me be independent and don’t try to take on the world for me. You’re supportive and sweet and wonderful. You are …” There are so many things. “You’re a person so far beyond anyone I thought I’d be lucky enough to meet. And knowing you want me … for more than just one night … I feel like it’s a miracle.”
He smiles and kisses me hungrily. We end up back in bed, but we just keep kissing, touching each other, and trying to show each other how we feel without saying the words. But then he’s gone and my room feels so cold.
I get through a shower and think about things here. Not just about things with Matthew, but things with all the guys. Holden keeps hiding from me. I don’t know what he’s hiding, but I know it’s something. Sometimes I think he wants to tell me and other times I think I’m just there for sex. Which is fine too because sometimes I am.
Nick and I … we have good conversations, but it’s just in the moment. We’re better as friends and colleagues. Miles and I had defined our relationship clearly and as far as I’m concerned we’re done now.
Roman is the troublesome one.
I press my head to my knees. How many times had I begged him to take me out to dinner? How many times had I begged him to stay after sex and cuddle me or talk to me? I tried so hard to get to know him.
Iwantedto get to know him. Because, just like with Matthew, I felt potential there. It was small, not exactly the same as Matthew, but close. He just constantly shut it down, then would act like he owned me in bed.
That’s not fair.
It hurtevery singletime. Because I was dumb and wanted more than what we had agreed on. I shake my head. “Matthew is my future. We both want a serious relationship. It’s not like I can have them all.”
I say it again and again until I have it beaten into my head. Exhaling, I force myself out of the shower and get in bed.
In the morning, I pull on a pencil skirt and a button-up. Halfway through the day, I get a text from Holden asking me to come over tonight. That he’s missing my company. I agree immediately. Holden has never had me alone.
I’m kind of curious what it would be like. Or maybe I could have him and Nick together? Either way, it sounds like an amazing night. After work, I tease Matthew with an almost kiss then tap his nose. “You set the rule for no work stuff.”
He rubs my hand. “And I’ve lived to regret it.”
“It’ll be a good thing to remember in New York too.”
“But in New York, I’ll be able to come home to you. It’ll make all the difference.”
I feel myself blush and swoon at the same time.
Matthew tugs me closer. “Maybe I’ll even be the one making dinner while you work your way up the company until you take my job.”