VINCENZO
It’s almost intriguing how quickly the human body can become subservient to a shocking event. How a car wreck can take you on a journey of panic, reaction, and then—in those last few moments before the collision— you see the eyes of the driver. Their car comes straight for you, like two magnets of inevitability, and you think, “There’s no way they’ll hit me.” Until the shock disperses, and in its place is a knowingness that there is nothing you can do to change the course your life is now on.
In the moment of impact, the car absorbs the entire blow like a tin can, crushing under the weight of someone’s hand. It’s the way my head felt as Carlito’s bullet hit its intended target with devious accuracy. The moment I felt it, I knew I was not falling to the ground but falling away. Away from the earth, away from everything I worked so hard for, away from her.
I would have expected the other side to be dark, cold, and lonely. Perhaps my inner child would have expected to see God— or the devil— but I see none of that. I don’t know how, but I believe I’m still inside myself. The moment I begin to feel the sharp pain peeling layers away from the back of my skull, I fall into a hole that swallows me up into inescapable darkness.
For a while, there’s nothing, not even the feeling of existence, in my wandering subconscious. I plead with God to take me back. Still, there appears to be a disconnect between this catholic killer and his holy divinity. My pleas aren’t audible, but instead, they are representative of my entire existence. Everything– every emotion, every second that may pass in this void, I swear that if I make it, I’ll never leave Jessica Lee again.
The moment I express this, I feel a tug and land somewhere much more tangible. Though I can’t see, I can hear the beeps far off in the distance. They grow louder as I propel myself forward until I hear her whisper, “If only you’d open your eyes.”
My mind is racing to solve the equation: Where am I? Where is she? Why can’t I wake? The beeps grow louder until they no longer increase in volume, and I think I can almost open my eyes until the muffled words of someone insists Jess leave my side. I want to scream, grab her from the inconsolable darkness and tell her I’m okay, that I’ll never leave or make her disappear. But I can’t and don’t.
I still feel her, so I think she hasn’t left, but the opposing presence still lingers. Eventually, that feeling passes, and I know it’s just Jess and me. My mind begins to wander, and I find myself watching two lives like a movie. It’s Ms. Lee and a man who looks to be her husband. I can’t make out his face, but he radiates peace, and they both seem deeply in love.
The gut-punching happens when I recognize the happiness in her eyes and the way she seems to feel around him. Happy without me, safe, at peace like she always wanted. Should I come back to consciousness and mess this possible future up for her? If I have a choice between staying and leaving, maybe I should be the one to go. She’ll recover better from a broken heart than a broken neck, and maybe I can’t bring her what she needs with my world and all of its depravities.
Next, I see children running, playing, and growing as they do until they join something I don’t recognize. It’s like a distant memory, and Jess is there for a while. I sense her but don’t see her. Then she disappears, and the faces of the grown children change.
I believe they are a part of something, the mafia, but it’s different— peaceful, powerful, strong. I can actually feel the gears in my mind grinding against each other, trying to determine what has changed. When they begin to turn, linking and disconnecting from one another like they’re supposed to, I realize what I’m seeing— A new generation of mafia offspring.
There’s more security in their world than ever before. Instead of wars, guns, and death, there’s diplomacy and hierarchy respect like never before. The image impresses my mind, and I don’t know how to shake it— their happiness, success, and bravery against all odds. The world around me turns to water, crashing over me and bringing my mind back to the beeps of the hospital room I’m now aware that I’m in.
A light is brightening in the distance— maybe it’s the good side of death, and I’m persuaded to it until I hear the familiar shuffling of small feet. They’re close, and I know exactly who it is.
“I love you.” She whispers. The light I was walking to cannot compare to the sweetest words I’ve ever had the fortune of hearing from the lips of the most perfect being to ever exist. I make my decision at this moment. There’s no competition between heaven and Jessica Lee because I will choose her every time for whatever breaths I have left.
My eyes part open with immense force, and I see her tearful ones hovering above mine. Shock dispels over her perfectly flawless face, and she places her hands on my cheeks. I reach up and cup my hands over hers.
“I love you too,” I whisper through a raspy throat, and her sobs erupt. I pull her to my chest and hold her as tightly as I can manage with depleted strength.
Time suspends us, and I don’t know how long we are like this, but I wouldn’t mind if it continued forever. In fact, I’d prefer it. The doctor walks in just as Jess’s audible cries begin to subside, and he stops in the doorway. I give her a small smile, as if to thank him. He nods in response, crossing something out on his clipboard.
“Mr. San Giovanni.” He acknowledges more for Jess’s attention than mine. Jess turns her head, not letting go of me.
“I’ll call your doctor, so he can discuss where we go from here. Welcome back.” He grins.
“Thank you.” My voice is still hoarse, but I get the words out as best as I can, and he turns out of the doorframe. I begin to comb my fingers through Jess’s hair, feeling completely content with us continuing to hold each other. In an alarming burst, she sits up and studies me, anger and sadness mixed on her flustered face.
“Why did you rescue me? You could have died.” She sniffs, not much anger left in her voice, but I can tell she feels responsible for what happened, and I hate that.
“You could have died, Jessica.” I search her eyes, and her face softens as I lift my hand to her cheek, catching a tear with my thumb. “I’ll always protect you,” I whisper, and she tilts her head into my hand.
“I’ll always protect you,” She whispers back, and I can’t help but smile at our promise.
“Deal.” I brush another tear away, and she lays her head back on my chest.
“Alright, Mr. San Giovanni, how are we feeling?” The doctor walks in, stopping at my bedside and ignoring the fact that Jess is basically straddling me at this point. I don’t know how long I’ve been here, but I’m certain she has barely left my side. Her passiveness to everything else and joy of having me back is probably like a reward of its own to them.
“I feel fine, actually,” I assure him, and he writes something down on his clipboard.
“You evaded death by a millimeter. If that bullet was off in any way, it would have missed that metal plate of yours.” He shakes his head in disbelief.
“We’ll run a couple of tests, and if all of them check out, you’re free to recover the rest of the way at home. We can send some physical therapists to you to avoid any media intrusions.” He clips his pen to the top of the board and waits for me to agree.
“That sounds fine to me,” I say, and he seems more than pleased with the outcome of his work as he walks to the door.
“Oh, and Ms. Lee,” he calls, turning around in the doorway. “Take good care of him.” She nods her head on my chest, and he lets out a chuckle.