“We are not on your ‘moon,’” the worm informed me in its squeaky voice. “We are presently in a ship in low Earth orbit, hidden among the space detritus you humans have discarded. This is the headquarters of the AMI.”
“The AMI?” I shook my head. “Never heard of it.”
“The Alien Mate Index,” the blue worm said. “It is a premium service offered by the Commercians—that is myself and my colleagues.” Here it pointed to itself with about fifty of its clawed hands. “We offer this service to the well-to-do males of the galaxy so that those who wish to procure Pure Ones as brides may do so.”
“Brides?”I looked back and forth between the three-foot-tall blue worm and nine-foot-tall gray giant. I didn’t want to marryeitherof them! “Look, I’m already engaged!” I babbled. “To a really nice guy called Don—Don Jones. And just because we’ve been engaged for a long time without getting marrieddoesn’tmean we don’twantto! I…I mean I’ve got my wedding dress hanging in my closet right now! I just need to lose some weight so I can get into it. So I can’t possibly marry either one of you—I’m sorry but I justcan’t.”
I was babbling at this point, because sometimes when my brain cuts off, my mouth cuts on. I was also still backing away until I suddenly felt something hard and ice-cold press against my bare ass.
I gasped and jumped, casting a glance behind me. It was the metal wall—or rather, the intersection oftwometal walls.
I had literally backed myself into a corner.
The gray giant was frowning and shaking his head.
“Charnoth, I was pleased at first that the Earthling could talk, but now I am wondering if it might not be a bittooloquacious.”
“There are no refunds, returns, or exchanges,” the blue worm, whose name was apparently “Charnoth” said quickly. “Your Eminence was given ample time to scan all of the Earth’s inhabitants and choose the one female that you wanted andthisis the one you chose. You cannot return her.”
“Yes he can!” I exclaimed. “Please—pleasereturn me!” I looked up at the gray giant with his curling horns and his full-black eyes. “I can’t marry you!” I told him. “I mean, you seem like a really nice guy but I just can’t. I mean you’re toobig.How…how would we even, uh, fit together? I mean—my head would barely come up to your elbow! And I’m sure your, uh,equipmentwouldn’t work with mine. It would be like trying to shove one of those giant summer sausages into a little keyhole or…or a Great Dane trying to mate with a Chihuahua or…or something like that!”
The gray giant frowned at me and a look of comprehension came over his face.
“Ah—I think I see the source of your confusion. Please do not fear—I am not here to take you as my bride, little one. You are to be mypet.”
THREE
ELLI
“Yourpet?”I stared at the enormous gray alien in confusion. “I don’t understand.”
“I am in need of a pet from the most primitive planet in this galaxy,” he said patiently. “And you are the one I have chosen.”
“But…but you can’t just pick someone out and make them your pet!” I protested. “I mean, I’m a thinkingperson—not an animal!”
“The inhabitants of Korrigon Four are from a more evolved galaxy than our own,” Charnoth informed me. “They considerallother creatures other than themselves—both sentient and non-sentient—to be animals.”
“Well that’s pretty damn arrogant of them!” I exclaimed and glared up at the giant. “Look, I might not be from your galaxy or be able to talk with my mind or whatever, but that doesn’t make me an animal and I amnotyour pet!”
I don’t know where I got the nerve to speak to him like that—maybe it was another part of my fight or flight response asserting itself. But it made me really mad that some guy from another galaxy could just come over and pick me out, the same way my Great Aunt Maizy went to the Pomeranian breeder to get her next favorite dog! I’m a person—not some “pick of the human litter,” after all.
But in response to my angry speech, the gray giant only sighed and shook his head.
“I can see that owning a sentient pet will be more challenging than I anticipated.”
“We have included a handy digital pamphlet about the care and feeding of your new human,” Charnoth told him. “The females of the species can be troublesome at first but once you train her, it is my belief that you will become quite fond of your new pet, Overlord.”
“Yes, well…I don’t know about that.” The gray giant looked at me doubtfully. “It isn’t my wish to form any kind of affectionate bond with the Earthling—I simply needed a primitive creature from your galaxy to make a point.”
“Wait—so you’re not even buying me because youlikeme?” I demanded, incensed all over again. “What—did you just pick me out at random?”
“Not at all—I scanned and studied many hundreds of millions of Earthlings before I chose you,” the gray giant said loftily. “You were chosen because I believed you and I would be compatible. That is important, considering we will be sharing the confines of my ship.” He looked me up and down. “And also because I liked your configuration and lines. Your form is…most curvilinear.” He described an hourglass with his hands in the air and one side of his thin but sensual mouth curved up in a kind of smile. “I find that pleasing. I findyoupleasing, little one,” he added.
I felt a cold chill go down my back.
“So you picked me because you like curvy girls? Look, I already told you, there’s nowayyour equipment is going to fit with mine—you’re toobig!You’ll split me in half if you try to…to…” But here, words failed me.
The giant frowned again.