Ichecked out my eyes in the bathroom mirror after getting ready, happy that the last bit of red had finally disappeared. It had taken that last corner so long to go away that I’d worried it would be a permanent fixture.
A tap at the open door of my bedroom had me watching the reflection in the mirror until Santos came into view. “You about ready to head out?” At my nod, his eyes dropped and he shifted uncomfortably. “Are you sure you don’t want to stay back? I can get someone else to take me…”
My glare quickly shut him up. “I just finished getting ready. If you don’t want me to, that’s fine, but I do have my own follow-up scheduled, so I’ll be going there anyway.”
With a sigh, he met my eyes in the mirror. “It’s not that I don't want you to. I just hate that you’re a target every time you leave the estate, and with me in the vehicle, it’s going to put a bigger target on you. The police aren’t above fabricating whatever they want to at this point, but out of sight is out of mind. Putting me front and center with you feels like I’m asking for more trouble.”
“That’s not an answer, Santos, and I’m a big girl, you know? I can handle making my own decisions, right or wrong. I’ve been doing it for a very long time. So, are you riding with me, or do we need to see if the furlough approval can be altered? If you don't want to deal with that, you can probably cancel and reschedule.” I turned, resting my back against the sink as I crossed my arms over my chest.
“Technically, anyone in the household can drive me as long as they’re allowed to leave the property. Hell, I can drive myself except the doc hasn’t cleared me yet.” At my glare, he held his hands up, mock fear in his eyes. “I’d love for you to drive me. Thank you for the offer.” My lips twitched at his antics, but I wrestled them straight again, waiting for an apology. “I’ll meet you in the car and make sure Tony has guards all the way there.”
It wasn’t quite what I was looking for, but I’d take it. He’d be stuck with me for the next couple of hours anyway, so I could torture him then when he couldn’t escape. “We’re taking one of the SUVs. They’re sturdier than my car and have a darker tint. You’re riding in the back.”
He glanced back in surprise, then appreciation. “I’m sorry. I should have known you’d take precautions.” He took off before I could ask what the fuck else he’d been thinking, but it was just as well. We didn’t need to end up in an argument. We were already exceptionally good at unintentionally pushing each other’s buttons.
* * *
After warnings from Tony on safety and check-ins, a group hug with Marco and Vanni, the two of them cracking enough lewd jokes about me and Santos to make a hooker blush, we were finally on the road.
“You gonna keep staring at me in the mirror like a creeper or spit out whatever you’re thinking?” I teased Santos in the back. He only glanced at me every couple of minutes; the rest of the time he was uneasily scanning our surroundings. Giving him shit helped the nervousness he was causing me with his own.
“I like looking at you,” he finally confessed after a few more glances. “I always did, but now it feels as if I don’t have the right, or like I’m going to wake up and find you’re just another dream that I can’t hold on to.”
“You know I won’t willingly leave you again, right? And if you must know, I kinda like it when you look at me too. I always did.” My eyes stayed on the road, an excuse to avoid him seeing too much after my admission. I had to protect my heart as much as I could until he made a decision one way or another. He had to accept me as I was now, not try to put me back in the mold of my younger self.
“I think I’m starting to believe that, but it might just concern me more than waking up one day to realize you’re gone again. I can’t keep you safe! Vinnie has you putting yourself out there, tempting anyone with a hard-on to harm us, and I can’t do a fucking thing about it but sit, wait, and watch whatever happens. Besides whatever you have going on with the others, which I don’t have an issue with.” I did make eye contact then, and my expression was full of the skepticism I felt at his declaration. He blew out a breath and glanced out the window before continuing. “I don’t have many issues then. If you couldn’t be with me, they’re not bad alternatives, they’ll take care of you just as I would. It’s the whole knowing what it was like to have you all to myself while knowing that’s not an option now. I’ve wrapped my head around it, but I just have to get the rest of me on board. Like my possessiveness and jealousy, and maybe a little bit of my heart that’s still bruised and resenting that you chose them over me.”
My stomach turned at his candid revelations. I hated that he felt that way, but I couldn’t fix it for him. The small surviving part of the girl I’d once been and had hidden away for safekeeping wanted to comfort him, but despite the fact that she’d been content and head over heels for Santos, that didn’t mean she had never wondered. I couldn’t tell him that, likely ever. That had danger signs written all over it, and I worried it would shatter whatever understanding he’d come to regarding our situation.
“You know you could have said that at any time since I’ve been back, right? And for your information, I did not choose them over you. You haven’t been excluded, but just as I can’t turn my back on you or my feelings for you, the same is true for them.”
“I know,” he said with a sigh. Frustration was evident in his voice, but unless he fessed up to what else was bugging him, I couldn’t help him. “You’re the only woman I’ve ever been with. I’ve had sex one fucking time in my life because every time I tried, all I saw was you. I think maybe that was my subconscious telling me you hadn’t left of your own free will, evidence to the contrary, but I was too fucking blinded by hurt and anger to consider it. And you were gone. You might have been able to stay off the radar for a short time, but, Eden, there’s no way you managed to avoid us for nearly a decade while being right under our noses. Danny had to have known! He liked to keep his insurance close, and he wouldn’t have passed up having a trump card with the Carlottis. It’s too late to find out what his plans were, if anything, but I suspect he was waiting for Tony to take over. Things just don’t add up.”
“I’ve had the same thoughts. Mostly while I was gone. I never really questioned it before because I was happy to avoid you all. Your fath—Rodrigo couldn’t have known, or he’d have already…” I decided it was better to end that train of thought. I felt bad enough that I’d reminded him about his shitty parent. We stayed quiet for the most part after that, both of us lost in our own heads, but at least it wasn’t as tense as before, his window-watching vigilance notwithstanding.
I was on the off-ramp, going around the sharp curve that would take us to the hospital, when he tried to kill us both.
“I’m fucking horny, Eden. That’s my problem,” he loudly blurted out, surprising the shit out of me, and I barely held the wheel steady.
“Fuck, Santos, warn a girl. Or, you know, wait until I’m on a straightaway?”
“Sorry,” he muttered, waiting for me to stop at the light behind our escort. “I keep screwing it up, and I feel like I’m going to be the guy that’s practically a virgin for the rest of my life. Somehow, I manage to come across you every time you’re involved with Vanni or Marco, and then I hold you at night while trying to keep my hard-on away from you so I’m not an asshole. I don’t want you to think I only want sex, and we can’t seem to find our stride, or mesh, or whatever. It seems like we’re stuck in a goddamn limbo of before and after, and I’m tired of it.” The enforcer with a reputation others did their best to avoid was actually pouting in the backseat.
“Why are you pussy footing around it, then? You say you missed me, you took over my room when you had your own, and we’re cuddling like teenagers, yet you don’t make a move. I’m not saying I wouldn't shut you down until the doc says it won’t kill you, but you could have at least tried. I mean, I’m sorry you couldn’t seal the deal elsewhere.” I winced, needing to backtrack from my harshness. “Okay, maybe I’m not sorry, because I kind of like the fact that you were still that hung up on me all this time, but you did get your dick sucked, so you can’t quite call yourself virginal. If you hadn’t noticed, sex isn’t really a big deal for me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m ecstatic that I can enjoy it without the rest of the shit that used to come along with it. It’s nice to get to experience the other side of things, but sex is sex, Santos. If you're shy, that's fine, but you do deal with your hang-ups regarding the rest of it.” Before he could answer me, prolonging this awkward as fuck conversation, I pulled into the parking that had been reserved for us. “We’re here. We can talk about this later,” I told him, possibly fibbing a bit. He could sort out his own shit. Just like the rest of us had to.
* * *
We didn't have to do the regular registration thing; instead, we were escorted to a room where a nurse had Santos' information waiting for him. Perks of being part of the Carlotti heirs' circle, I supposed. Santos ignored the stares from other patients and staff as we passed, but I was happy to stare them down with a hard glare until they stopped gawking at his scars. They weren’t that bad, not to me, at least. They didn’t take away from his good looks. I was glad when we got into a room so I didn’t feel the protective urge to guard him.
“The waiting room is just down the hall if you’d like to head down there,” the nurse addressed me, holding the door open. I was about to take her up on the not-so-subtle offer and excuse myself, but Santos had other ideas.
"I'd like my girlfriend to stay." He was polite, but his tone said that anything except agreeing with him wasn't happening.
Shrugging, I took a seat on the chair in the corner of the room while the nurse went about the usual routine of asking questions and taking vital signs. It had been a while since I'd had any type of regular check-ups, but I'd had them done as a child and, in more recent years, at the free clinic when I couldn't kick an illness myself.
I wasn't surprised when Doc came in, although he raised a brow at my presence.
"Are you staying for the duration, then?"