LUCAS
There’s nothing like the sense of hanging in limbo.
Waiting to see what will happen next.
Who’s going to reach out to me first—my brother? Xander? Charlotte? Somebody else? Knowing we can’t stay here forever, that I have to go back and bring her with me but dreading it like I can’t describe.
She’s asleep in my arms. We spent most of yesterday and overnight in and out of sleep, ordering food once we both realized we hadn’t eaten.
The remnants of our takeout meal sit in a paper bag on the dresser, beside the TV that’s still on with the volume turned down almost all the way. The bluish light it casts over the room gives Delilah a ghostly appearance.
I brush back a few errant locks of hair from her cheek and smile when she makes a happy little sound. She’s dreaming of something nice, pleasant. Something not based too deeply in reality, obviously.
I can’t give her anything good. She’ll never know anything but darkness when she’s with me. I don’t know how to make somebody happy, and I’ve hardly tried to learn how.
Why does she want to be with me? Why does she take these risks? I’m not worth it. What’s it going to take to make her see that?
Charlotte’s words echo in my head. When she accused me of pushing people away. She’s right. Is that what I’m trying to do with Delilah?
All the times I’ve tried to hurt her. When I’ve vented my darkness on her. She keeps coming back for more, for some reason. It isn’t easy to believe she wants me, really wants me. Eventually, I will need to accept it or find a way to convince her for good that nothing will ever come of us.
The thing is, I don’t believe that. I don’t want to. I want this. I want her, need her, and no matter how I try to convince myself otherwise, there won’t be a day of my life when she isn’t on my mind.
How am I supposed to turn my back on that and pretend it isn’t true?
My phone buzzes on the nightstand. I grab for it quickly before it can wake her. She stirs, then rolls onto her back, away from me. Dread blooms in my chest. Who is it going to be?
As it turns out, it’s the person I dread hearing from the most, though she poses the least threat on the surface.
Aspen: Can we talk soon?
The fact that Aspen used so few words tells me this isn’t going to be a happy reunion, but then I wouldn’t expect it to be.
I’m not looking for her to spare my feelings. I deserve her anger and the sense of betrayal that I know she’s struggling with.
Does she know I’m gone? I can only assume she does. By now, Xander would have made a comment about it. I’m sure he wouldn’t miss the opportunity.
I type a quick reply.
Me: I’ll be back asap, and I’ll let you know when I land.
I see that she reads the message but doesn’t respond to it.
I can’t deny her any more than I can keep running away. I deserve whatever is coming, as much as I dread seeing the hatred on her face again.
I hate breaking into Delilah’s peace, too, but it can’t be helped.
“Hey. We need to get going. Back to Corium.”
She groans, then buries her face in the pillow. Even now, I can’t help but laugh a little since I understand the impulse. “I know. But we can’t stay here forever. I have some shit I’ve got to take care of.”
“I guess you won’t bother telling me what it’s all about.” She lifts her head far enough to shoot me a doleful look.
“I will once things are settled. That’s going to have to be enough for now.” And then I get out of bed and get dressed because this is not the conversation I need to have now. There’s too much on my mind as it is.
She doesn’t seem bitter or angry as she dresses, at least. “It was nice to have a night when I didn’t have to worry about anybody screwing with me,” she admits before touching tentative fingers to the back of her head.
“How does it feel?”