“Next time, come to me if you have any problems or need anything. I’ve got your back, and I’ll help you however I can.”
I look down at the clothes the nurse brought. “I won’t drag you into the mess known as my life.”
“Hate to tell you, buttercup, but I’m already a part of it, and I’m not going anywhere. Now, go get dressed, and I’ll help you to your room.”
As much as I hate to admit it, she isn’t wrong. She is already a part of my life and the closest thing to a friend I have here.
“Okay.” I nod and force myself to smile.
Brittney helps me get the crutches to the perfect height, and after a few incidents, where I almost fall over and smash my face into the floor, I make it successfully to the bathroom connected to my room. With only one good leg, I need assistance with putting the sweatpants on, but thankfully, I get the shirt on just fine.
The crest with a knife piercing through the skull reflects back at me as I stare at myself in the mirror. If you looked up hot mess in the dictionary, I’m sure my name would be right beside it.
I splash some water on my face and slap my cheeks a couple of times to give them some color before I hobble out of the bathroom. I can’t wait to get back to my room, to my bed, and shower.
Even if it’s nothing great, it’s still mine.
I can feel Brittney staring at me, but I ignore her questioning gaze and let her help me out of the room and down the hall. We’ve not made it far when voices carry from a room down the hall. The last thing I want to do is walk past that room, knowing that Quinton is in there with his family, but that’s the only way out of this place.
I tell myself to keep my eyes trained ahead, but for some stupid reason, my eyes gravitate toward that door as I hobble by. I glimpse Quinton and his family, and my stomach sinks to my feet.
He’s smiling, his sister is laughing at something, and his mother is looking at him like he means the world to her. Even Xander is smiling. I look away and try to ignore the bitter jealousy I’m feeling. His life might not be perfect, but he has more than I do. More joy, more love, more everything.
I swallow down my emotions, and Brittney helps me on the way to my room, and I’m more than thankful for her since I know for a fact, someone would’ve tripped me and been laughing at me trying to get up more than once by now.
We reach my room, and I take out the new room key that they had made for me. I scan it and turn the door handle before pushing the door open. The door isn’t even fully open, but I can’t miss the audible gasp that Brittney makes.
“How? How do you stay here? It’s small and bare. Jesus, Aspen. Why didn’t you tell me you were living like this?”
My defenses are up, and I’m too tired and moody to argue with her.
I shrug. “It’s fine. Plus, I don’t really care. I only use the room to sleep and study. Otherwise, I’m not here.” It’s a lie, but there’s nothing more for me to say. I know nothing will change, even if I tell her I hate this room and all its contents.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Brittney frowning. “I don’t think that’s true, but you don’t seem like you want to talk about it.”
“I’m okay, Brittney.” The lie rolls so smoothly off my tongue, I’m wondering if it’s really a lie anymore.
“I don’t believe you,” she says.
I sit on the edge of the bed, tears forming behind my eyes. “Look, I’m exhausted from the medicine they gave me, and all I want to do is rest. I’m not lying to you. I’m okay, really, and if I wasn’t, I would tell you.”
Brittney doesn’t appear to believe me, but I’m thankful she doesn’t continue to press on. She gives the room one last pitiful look before walking toward the door.
“Remember, if you need anything, just let me know. I’ll come by to check on you in a couple days… actually, probably tomorrow would be better.”
I nod and force my lips into a smile. I’m smiling on the outside but splintering into a thousand pieces on the inside.
She leaves the room, closing the door quietly behind her, and I curl up into a ball as best I can with my cast leg. I’m cold and tired, but worst of all, I’m alone.
I know I shouldn’t wish he was here, holding all my broken pieces together, but I do. I miss his comforting touch, the heat of his body, his presence. Most of all, his protection. When I’m with Quinton, I feel safe, like nothing can hurt me. At least out there, it was like that. Out there, he wasn’t my enemy. He was my protector. I wish we could have stayed that way forever.
Unfortunately, I don’t think that’s possible.