"Then what are you gonna do?" Wasn't that the question of the freaking century? When I chose to remain quiet, Lizzie sighed heavily and dropped her arms down on the table next to mine. She turned her face so that our eyesmet.
"I'm sorry, Harlow." I bit my lip to keep myself from saying anything. Even though she had previously admitted to at least some jealousy, she sounded sincere in her apology. Still, it didn't make me feel better. It only made me feel worse. "There's more, isn't there?" she asked a momentlater.
Bellamy, my traitorous mind reminded me. I nodded against the cold, hard surface of the tabletop. "I haven't had sex, but there was a situation a few weeks ago...I did something with one of them," I whispered the words quietly despite the fact that we had double checked that there was no one else around before we took this booth. It felt like I was spilling my soul for this girl and I had hardly known her that long. But maybe it was easier to tell virtual strangers my secrets than it was to tell my family or my best friend or the guys—not that I had really had the opportunity to tell anyone sofar.
"What happened?" Her words were just assoft.
I thought back. The way Bellamy's hands had pressed down on my thighs. The way his breath had fanned over the place between my legs. A shiver cascaded up my spine. "It wasn't sex, but he..." Unable to stand her curious stare, I closed my eyes as I spoke the words. "One of them—he put his mouth on me..." I could feel the flames of hell burning across my cheeks and down my neck. "You know, like down...um...down there." When I finally opened my eyes, I could tell there was something warring in Lizzie'sexpression.
"Oh, Harlow," she said, "you're in deep,girl."
She was right. I had leaped off the edge and dived straight into the deep end, and now I was sinking under the weight of my decisions. My chest felt heavy. My mind was a riot of emotions and thoughts and memories and "whatifs."
"It was before I knew about the guys—I mean, apparently they knew they were all interested in me and they knew that I had kissedthem."
"But they didn't tell you?" Somehow, her tone was both irritated and impressed. I re-opened my eyes and nodded. "Assholes," she muttered, then she grinned at me. "So, he went down on you. How'd itfeel?"
If it was possible, my blush burned hotter. I shrugged as best I could and sat up, leaning away from the table. "It was nice," Isaid.
It had been more than nice. It had been like hundreds of fireworks going off at once in my head and it had been hot and dangerous and I wanted to know what else Bellamy could do. God help me, I was curious for more. I craved more. And not just him. I wanted to know what Knix's lips would feel like down there. I wanted to know what Marv would do with me pinned under him or what Texas would sound like if I did what Bellamy did for me, for him. And Grayson...of all the things I shouldn’t be curious about, he was at the top of my list. Did that stop me from craving? Not onebit.
Lizzie leaned back and arched one brow at me, shaking her head as if she could hear all of my thoughts. "I'm sure it was more than nice," she prompted. When all I did was give her yet another shrug, she rolled her eyes. "Still, it'd be nice if you didn't have to choose,huh?"
"Yeah," I mumbled, sliding my gaze to the side. "That would probably solve all my littleproblems."
A soft cough interrupted whatever Lizzie would have said next and with dawning horror, both of our gazes moved to the aisle as we leaned out of the booth and Marv stood there, looking decidedly uncomfortable. I slid quickly out of the booth, eyes wide. "What are you doing here?" My voice was almost shrill, and I had to work to clear my throat before I could speak again as heanswered.
"I tried calling your phone, but you didn't answer," he said by way ofexplanation.
I vaguely recalled my phone pinging when we got here, but I hadn't checked. Lizzie slid out behind me. She glanced between the two of us before shaking her head at me sadly and pointing towards the end of thehall.
"I'm just gonna...head to my next class," she said weakly in the awkward silence that followed. My eyes stayed on Marv even as she retrieved her bag and headed out. Just as she passed by me, Lizzie caught my hand and looked at me. "If you need anyone to talk to just let me know," she whispered low enough that I knew she didn't want Marv to hear, but when Marv's brows drew down, I knew he had. I nodded at her anyway, grateful for the offer—whether it would be needed ornot.
Once she was gone, it was as if a spell had been broken. "So, you and Bell..." he trailed off, choking off the words. The hurt in his voice punched me in the stomach. He had heard what I told Lizzie. He knew how far I had gonebefore.
I gulped and said the only thing that came to mind. "I thought you guys told each other everything?" It was more a question than a statement. That had been what they told me when I found out they knew I had kissed all ofthem.
He shook his head, the soft strands of sandy colored hair sliding over his brow. It was getting longer. "He never mentioned that you had—" he cut himself off once more, waving his hand in frustration, "that anything hadhappened."
"We didn't plan on anything happening," I defendedweakly.
Marv pinned me with a look that was both parts longing and hurt. "I know," he said. "I trust that you wouldn't...or that you would've told us about...that." He was struggling. Guilt sank into the pit of mystomach.
"How did you know where to look for me?" I asked as my fingers gripped the hem of my shirt andtwisted.
"Your phone," he said. "All our phones are tapped with a GPS just in case—I thought you knew that?" Did I? Maybe. I couldn't think right now. All I could focus on was the pain in his eyes and how when he looked at me I felt lower than low. I bit my lip, sucking in a breath of air before I finally decided to break the distance between us. I was almost scared to do it—terrified that if I took a step forward, Marv would back away. I didn't want to see him reject me. My eyes burned with fear, but when I took a step forward, he stood perfectly still. I raised my hands, only then seeing how hard they were shaking. He noticedtoo.
"Sunshine," Marv whispered. He let me reach for him and when I came near, he reached back, taking me into hisarms.
I sobbed into his chest. "Don't hate me," I pleaded, my throat tight even as my eyes burned and my mindrolled.
It was a long moment before he managed to say anything. "I don't hate you," he said gruffly. "I'm just...surprised."
I needed to be honest with him. In fact, I probably needed to be honest with all of them. I thought that—well, I didn't know what I had been thinking. But this, I needed him to know this. "I care about you." My voice was barely above a whisper as I shook my head against the fabric of his shirt. "But I'm not sorry. I care about Bellamy,too."
Marv stiffened, but thankfully, he didn't pull away. "And Knix and Texas?" heasked.
I nodded, my cheek brushing the muscles of his chest. "Yeah,” I said. “I care about themtoo.”