She had a room. She was staying. My insides shriveled and collapsed as Erika held my hand to lead me inside. Texas pulled out his phone. The stoic expression on his face was the last thing I saw before the emergency room doors closed us into the smell of antiseptic, bleach, andillness.
* * *
My mom’sroom was enclosed, the blinds drawn across the long window stretched across one wall, with the lights turned down in deference to her sleep. Erika stayed with me for a while, both of us taking a seat on the couch against the window as she explained whathappened.
My mom had been found passed out in the hallway. My eyes strayed to the gash on her forehead she had incurred on her way down. While her external condition appeared minimal, and she didn’t have more than a mild concussion, the doctors had decided to keep herovernight.
The ER doctor, who had been the first to see my mom when she arrived, stopped by to let me know that a new doctor would be in soon to discuss further diagnosis and treatments. Erika had informed them of my mom’s medical history – she knew it as well as I did. Nurses came and went, some talking quietly, asking if either of us needed anything, some slipping into and out of the room like ghosts. After a while, as the sun began to set, Erika had to leave to return her father’s truck. I told her I wouldn’t be returning to school, but I would still see her at the graduation, and I let her know that I would be able to make it there on my own – I assumed one of the guys would be able to driveme.
Texas entered as she exited, his brown eyes trailing from my mom’s beeping heart monitor to me. When he sat, I latched onto him, startling him momentarily when I buried my face into his chest. I let out a ragged breath and tears leaked onto my cheeks. I inhaled the scent of vanilla that always seemed to soak into his clothes and skin, allowing it to calm me. His hand rested on my hair, pushing the strands back as he tilted his chin to sit on top of myhead.
“They’re on their way,” hewhispered.
I nodded, grateful. I closed my eyes and sunk into Texas. I touched the fabric of his shirt, and breathed in his vanilla scent, trying to ground myself in the present, rather than the future as an orphan. I was old enough that I could take care of myself. I was eighteen. That wasn’t the problem. What I was really terrified of was being alone. Mom hadn’t been the best companion to live with in her more recent years. She hadn’t always been herself, or particularly kind in certain instances when her hormones had taken over – but she was a constant, she was mymom.
It wasn’t until the door opened and light spilled in from the hall, and the scent of peppermint floated to me that I cracked open my eyelids to look up. Marv stood behind Knix, who stood next to Bellamy. They entered, and closed the door quietly behind them. Knix knelt at the end of the couch in front ofme.
“Are you okay?” heasked.
I couldn’t answer because I didn’t want to lie to him and the truth was just too painful. I kept hoping that if I didn’t admit it then it wasn’t true. He stared at me, his blue eyes searching, hunting for anything to make me better. I wanted to crawl into his arms and cry. I wanted to stay with Texas. Marv was standing right there. Bellamy too. I wanted them all. They understood. Theyknew.
We stayed at the hospital that night, all of us taking turns sleeping on the couch and a cot the nurses had brought in. Knix and Marv disappeared regularly throughout the night. Bellamy and Texas stayed with me, ever vigilant. I appreciated the support they gave me, though I probably didn’t act like it. I didn’t even want to imagine how I might have reacted had I not had anyone else. Erika had to go home, but she promised that she would text me for updates. I tried calling my brother, but he didn’t answer. If she died, I would have to tell him. I dreaded thatconversation.
She woke late afternoon the next day. The guys vacated the room when she cracked open her eyes and her heart rate monitor sped up. She was dizzy, nauseated, something the new doctor, Dr. Mason, informed me might be likely. She would have to stay in the hospital longer. This terrified me. I didn’t know why I only associated death with the hospital. I knew, even if we left, she could deteriorate even faster. Logically, I knew my fears weren’t grounded. I just wanted her out of the hospital. I felt like if they released her, then she wouldn’tdie.
I sat with her, talking about anything I could think of, and after several hours I was relegated to the weather and whatever I had managed to glean through the hospital magazines. I was horribly inept at talking when all I felt like doing was crying. She slept a lot more than usual. Even though I hadn’t been at the house as much, I would notice small things moved around that told me she had been up and about. At the hospital, she would wake for several minutes, eat with me – always something small and light – while I talked, before drifting back to sleep. The guys always seemed to know she was out because they would trickle back in, gathering around me. Bellamy forced me to go with him to the cafeteria more than once just to get out theroom.
I would find Marv talking to nurses outside of the room and even the receptionist down the hall. I suspected he was paying for the room. I knew she should have been somewhere less private, cheaper. He was there though, and I knew him well enough to know that he wouldn’t accept that. I dreaded having to pay back every penny, but I knew I would. I just couldn’t do this by myself right now. I neededthem.
The weekend drew nearer and Knix pulled all of us out of the room, promising me that he had a nurse watching over my mom. She would call if anything changed. He drove us in their SUV back to the apartment to prepare for the retreat. I wasn’t feeling up to a job, but we had promised to dedicate our time to help these people and, if I was being honest, I would rather do something to get my mind off my fear. Sitting around and waiting for my mom’s health to finally fail, and waiting for the impending pain of losing a parent to destroy me wasn’t doing me any favors. When Knix tugged me aside and told me that we could give up the job, that he and the others would still help me, I had refused. My mind was a wreck, focusing it would help. Marv and I left for Sweratt Island Friday evening, not long after Texas had checked in for his new ITposition.
“Sunshine.” Marv’s hand pressed to my cheek, his thumb rubbing up and down under my eye. I shifted in the seat of his BMW, groaning and reached up to wipe away the sleep. “We’rehere.”
I yawned and got out of the car slowly. He grabbed our bags and shut the door for me. I offered to take one of the bags, but he caught my hand with his and tugged me after him. I looked around at themarina.
“Where is everyone?” Iasked.
It was late in the evening. I had been up since early that morning and I was tired. That didn’t halt my curiosity though, or my observations. The sun was almost set, light orange, yellow, and pink rays spanning across thehorizon.
“Everyone is already there. We missed the ferry that left this afternoon,” Marv said. The wood of the docks swayed under our feet, buoyed by thewater.
“Then, how exactly are we gettingthere?”
He threw a grin over his shoulder, lighting the tornados in his eyes. “We’re taking myboat.”
We stopped in front of small, blue and white motorboat with the inscriptionAdventurerover the back of it, the stern Marv told me. He tossed our bags in before jumping over the side and held his arms out to me. I reached for his hands, but he shook his head and slid his palms around my waist, lifting me into the boat. His biceps bunched and released and when he set me down, we were less than a breath away from each other. I looked up into his swirling, grayeyes.
His fingertips drifted up to touch my face again, and he pressed his lips to my temple before holding me close. “We don’t have to do this,” he said, his voice hoarse. “Just say the word and I’ll take you back. We’ll go to the hospital and stay with your mother. The others wouldunderstand.”
Before he was even finished, I was shaking my head. “I don’t want to do that,” I said. “We’ve already agreed to this. We need to help.” I needed thedistraction.
He gazed down at me. “Your family isimportant.”
“So is this,” I argued. “I don’t want to think about my mom right now. I need to do this. I need to feel useful. Staying at the hospital watching her slip away isn’t helpful. It’s just going to make me feel worse. The doctor said that she has months left, not hours. Two days away will be okay. It’ll give us abreak.”
He brushed aside a lock of hair hanging in my face. “Is that what you need? Abreak?”
I looked away. “I don’t know, maybe.” His fingers urged my face back and he lowered his head. His lips touched mine, soft, gentle, yet firm. He lifted his other hand to cup my head and hold me to him as his mouth opened and mine did too. Our lips met again and our tongues snuck out in search of each other. Marv moaned against my mouth, his hips nudging forward, something hard pushing against my stomach. I had to tilt my head back, and stand on tiptoe. Marv had to bend forward to meet me. His mouth was warm, comforting. He dragged his lips away from mine, trailing them up my face, over my cheek and temple into my hair. His breath fluttered over my scalp making meshiver.
“It’s going to be okay, Harlow. I promise.” He leaned back, his eyes boring into mine, holding me hostage. “You will never be alone again. You’re with us now, withme.”
He turned, releasing me, and began uncoiling the rope tied to the dock. I sat in the passenger seat as he readied us to go into open waters, feeling guiltier than I had ever felt before, and hating myself for watching him and craving him because the truth was, he wasn’t the only one I felt safe around. He wasn’t the only one Icraved.