"Yes," she says hesitantly.
I fall silent. I know my reaction is going to dictate how we move forward.Part of me wants to yell and scream that I'm only now finding out. Why didn’t she try harder to get in contact with me? How dare she and her parents keep this from me? Yet my rational mind tells me she's right. She didn’t have many options, and the chances of her getting hold of me were slim to none.
There's another part of me that wants to get up and cry and hug her and swear I'm going to be an amazing father to our son. But I'm too terrified to be a father who can't see. We talked about having kids and the type of parents we'd like to be. Sometimes on deployment, I'd lay in my bunk and think of creating that family and what it would be like. But it was a dream to get me through deployment.
"Say something," she begs as I sit there, lost in my thoughts.
"Graham, like my middle name? Why didn't you tell me before? We’ve been working together for over a month."
"I was scared. The first day I decided I wanted to get to know you first to see how you’ve changed. I needed to know you were still the good man you always were before I let you into his life. Then I told myself it wasn't the right time because you needed to heal more."
"Why now?"
"Because when I told my parents you were back in my life, I didn't like how they reacted. The things they said, the things they told me to do. I knew they were wrong, and I wanted to prove them wrong. Even though I’d made that decision the first night before I called you, I knew I wanted to do this in person."
As I go over every interaction from the start, I can only focus on the fact that I have a son. This is why she was so hesitant with me. Not because of someone else, but because of her son. Our son. All the phone calls, the wall she tried to put up, all because of the life we created.
"Does Noah know?" I ask.
"Yes, Noah knows you’re Graham’s dad, and also Lexi, Paisley, Easton, Mandy, and Kaitlyn know. How it didn't slip out before now, I don't know."
"That explains a few weird conversations I've had." I shake my head and take the ball from Gem. When she nudges my knee, I toss it again.
I scoot away from her on the bench. I’m angry about the time we missed, that she wasn't able to get in contact with me, but I'm not about to take it out on her. That’s not how I want things to start with us as a family.
"Tell me about him."
"Graham looks like a younger version of you. He's smart and protective of me. Oh, and he loves spaghetti. I wanted him to have a little part of you, so I instituted Spaghetti Mondays. If you want to meet him, he's next door with Lexi and Noah. Nothing formal, just a casual meeting."
"Does he know about me?"
"That you’re here? No.”
"What did you tell him?"
"It might be easier to ask him yourself..."
"Yes!" Without thinking, I react. Of course, I want to meet my son.
"Noah’s bringing him over on the golf cart. He’s going to love that."
My nerves hit me full force, and Gem immediately picks up on it. This time when she brings me the ball, she sits in front of me, leaning against my leg in support. Later tonight, I'm going to spoil the shit out of her.
The sound of little feet running on the porch makes my heart race. I've been under fire and had angry men shouting at me in a foreign language, and I wasn't this scared.
"Mommy!" a little voice calls.
"Graham, did you have fun with Noah and Lexi?" Lauren asks.
"Yeah! Ms. Lexi gave me cookies and milk."
"Graham! That was supposed to be our little secret." Lexi laughs.
"Okay, buddy, there’s someone I want you to meet," Lauren says.
Shuffling feet, and then a gasp.
"Daddy?" he asks in awe.