"I can't tonight, but I reserve the right to come and complain at any time because I'm sure I’ll need it." I stand and give Lexi a hug before slowly heading back upstairs.
I can do this. I have to do this.
I tell myself this over and over with each step I take, but when I get to the lobby, I stall. I look at all the family members visiting. If Gavin had let me and not been so stubborn, I could be here as a visitor.
I could’ve been the one to get the call he was injured and been at his side the whole time. It's not right he's been fighting alone.
No, Lauren. Put that wall up. This isn't personal. He’s a patient. You can think about all this tonight. But right now, you need to go back in there and take care of your new patient.
In the back of my mind, there's a voice telling me this is exactly why he did what he did. He didn't want me waiting at home for the phone call. But it's almost worse finding out this way and knowing he didn't have anyone there for him.
I can do this. I have to do this.
I repeat it a few more times before I take a deep breath and walk down the hallway to his room. This time when I get to his door, I knock and tell myself it's just another patient, and that’s how I’ll treat him.
"Who is it?"
"My name is Lauren." His whole body goes stiff, and at that moment, a million thoughts race in my mind. Does he remember me? Everything I was going to say to keep it professional leaves my head.
I can’t remember the rest of the speech I had prepared. So I blurt out the first thing that comes to my mind."Lexi asked me to check on you."
Really, Lauren? That's all you've got?
I don't sound like the professional I know I am. I sound like the scared little girl seeing the man she loves for the first time in six years.
"Why would she do that?" His deep voice fills the room, and for a brief moment, it’s like nothing has changed. As if I'm the same girl from all those years ago, and he's still mine. I force myself to remember that's not the case and get my head on straight.
"I'm here to help you transition into the world without your sight and to work with you on training your Seeing Eye dog."
He doesn't respond right away, and I wonder if he recognizes my voice. It's been years, so the chance of him remembering me is slim, yet I can’t help hoping he does.
There's also the possibility he could kick me out of his room and request someone else. This would mean the end of our interaction, and I have so much I want to tell him now our paths have crossed again. With all my heart, I hope I’ll get that chance.
My phone rings and a glance shows it's my son's school. Great timing, buddy. I’ll tell him this story one day, probably over drinks when he's twenty-one.
"I have to take this. I’ll only be a moment," I tell Gavin.
I step into the lobby, where I know he won't be able to hear me."Hello?" I answer, expecting to get the nurse.
"Mom? James is staying for Comic Book Club today. Can I stay too? It's free, and James has a comic book I can borrow."
Graham’s new hobby is comic books, and there’s a club at school. I don't remember having so many after-school activities in first grade, but he’s always getting into something.
"Yes, that's fine. I’ll text Ms. Jessica so she knows you’ll be staying after school."
Thankfully, James’s mom is great about picking the kids up after school and watching my son for me. If her son is going, it won't be a problem for Graham to go too.
"And Mom?" His voice is small and hesitant, which means he's nervous about whatever he wants to ask.
"What is it, buddy?" I glance down the hallway to Gavin's room, making sure he hasn't followed me out here.
"There’s a father-son camping trip. James has been talking about it today. His dad is going."
"Oh, buddy. Can we talk when I get home?"
The mom guilt hits me hard. I know the day is coming when my half-answers about his dad won't cut it anymore. I hope this isn't the day because it's more complicated than ever.
"Yeah. Spaghetti night. Right?" His mood perks up.