I’m taken aback for a moment. What the hell is he talking about? Why would I want him to apologize for something that he did his best to prevent? “Wh-huh? I’m not talking about that, we both know that was an accident.”
Shaun looks at me in pure confusion. “What else would you be talking about?”
For a moment, I can’t bring myself to speak. That’s why he thinks I hate him? Because of the accident?
“Do you…did you think I blamed you?” I ask incredulously, “You think I’ve been holding some kind of grudge because of the car wreck?”
“Well…yeah.”
“Shaun, I never blamed you for the wreck. Not for a second. You were a fucking teenager who hadn’t even had your license for a goddamn year, and your brakes went out on a shitty downhill road that was designed by lunatics. That road sucks even in the best of circumstances, and the fact that any of us walked away from that was nothing short of miraculous. Anyone with half a brain would realize you weren’t to blame.”
“Neither one of you would have been on that road if it weren’t for me, you would have been safe at home with your parents.”
“Oh, wow, you’re right,” I say sarcastically, “Never thought about it like that. Wow, what a monster you are for giving your best friend and your girlfriend a ride home. Guess it was totally your fault and not just a series of shitty circumstances, thanks for opening my eyes.”
“I could have-”
“There are a thousand ways things could have gone differently,” I interrupt him, “Hindsight is 20/20 and all that shit, looking back, obviously we can both think of ways we could have prevented it. But none of that makes it anyone’s fault.”
“So what, then?” he asks.
“I want you to apologize for fucking abandoning me!” I explode, springing to my feet, “You left me, alone, grieving, wondering what the fuck I’d done wrong and why you never even called me! I had to grieve my only brother and the love of my life, but I only put one of them in the ground.”
He’s momentarily stunned by my outburst, but slowly, he nods. “I couldn’t face you,” he admits, “I couldn’t bring myself to look you in the eye and risk you looking back at me like a monster. I knew I’d see that pain in your face and know I was the one who caused it, and I couldn’t imagine you looking at me without it ever again. I chose the coward’s way out.”
While his words have put out some of the fire raging through my blood, I can’t say it’s completely extinguished. “You did.”
He looks up and into my eyes, and for just an instant, I’m eighteen years old again, and the future looks shiny and bright. The years of separation fall away and in that one moment, a thousand unspoken conversations pass between us.
“I’m so sorry, Lena, I was an idiot and a coward, and I know there’s nothing I can say or do to fix what I did. But don’t let my past mistakes stop you from making better choices and a better future. Maybe that’s with Elliot, maybe not, but don’t give up on him because of me. I’m already looking for a new place, I’ll be out of your hair soon.”
Considering I haven’t even known his whereabouts for the past six years, the prospect of him disappearing again shouldn’t bother me as much as it does. But there are a thousand things about the way his presence is affecting me that make no sense.
I’m not the same girl I was at eighteen, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t traces of her still inside me, and it seems that apparently the part of me that loved Shaun isn’t as dead as I had long hoped.
“You guys are cute together,” he says quietly, “You seem good for each other. You deserve that. You both deserve better than me.”
I furrow my brow in confusion. It seems like a weird thing to add. “What do you mean, we ‘both’ do?”
“Nothing,” he says quickly, “Just forget I said anything.”
“No,” I demand, “Tell me what you meant.”
Shaun swears under his breath. “Look, it was before you two met, and it was one night, that’s all.”
My head swims a little bit. I’dnever suspected that either of them liked other men, and the idea of them together is something I struggle even to wrap my head around. But when the image forms in my brain, I’m expecting it to be coupled with jealousy, rage, and pain.
What I’m not expecting is to find the sight so hot that a flush immediately rises to my face. For an instant, I’m worried he can hear my thoughts; they feel so loud it’s a wonder he can’t.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Surely there’s some kind of wires crossed in my brain, something broken deep within my mind that would let me have such fucked-up emotions. What kind of girl gets turned on thinking about her boyfriend hooking up with her ex?
“I’m sorry, Lena,” Shaun says again, “I literally cannot think of a way that this stupid situation could be more complicated and messy, but once I remove myself from the equation, things will be easier.”
He offers out his hand, gesturing for me to take something. I reach out and he drops a key into my palm. “Go talk to Elliot,” he urges me, then turns to leave.
I want to stop him, call after him, but I can’t bring words to my lips fast enough. So instead I watch him walk out of my apartment, and presumably, for the second time, my life.
Chapter Eight