Clenching my jaw, I look up, and upon meeting my eyes, Elliot’s face softens. “It was an accident, Shaun,” he repeats.
“Does it matter? Owen’s still dead, and I’m the one at fault.”
“No, you’re no-”
“Aren’t I? If I’d maintained the brakes better, if I’d taken a different route, if I’d let them ride with my parents instead of tagging along with me in that piece of shit I was driving…there were a hundred ways I could have prevented it, but I didn’t, and now I have to live with that.”
“So you were a fucking teenager with his first car and you weren’t perfect?”
I don’t answer.
“Would you blame her if things were the other way around?” he adds, and the words hit me hard.
It dawns on me that I absolutely wouldn’t, couldn’t blame her if she’d been the one in my shoes. I’d probably be saying the same kind of shit that Elliot’s telling me right now.
He seems to sense that his words have struck home, but then I shake my head slowly. “It doesn’t matter what I think,” I say finally, “You saw the look on her face when she saw me, it was like she was looking one of her fucking nightmares in the face.”
He falls quiet, and I know I’ve got a point. My perception of the accident doesn’t mean shit, it’s all about hers.
“Maybe I could talk to her,” he says finally.
It’s a strange reaction, but I can’t help it, I burst into laughter. “You’re kidding me, right?”
He looks at me, completely baffled. “Why would I be?”
“You’re gonna try and have a talk to make my high school sweetheart, your new girlfriend, hate me less? Why? Doesn’t it make you look better by comparison anyway? I mean, shit, after the guy that took out her twin, anyone would be a step up, right?”
“Watch it,” Elliot says sharply, a warning.
“Sorry,” I sigh, raking my fingers through my hair, “I just mean…why bother? Why do you care if she hates me? She and I have our history, whatever, it doesn’t matter to your future with her.”
Just saying the words kind of makes me want to hurl. Fuck, it was hard enough thinking of Elliot with someone else, but now to think of him with her, of all people…and to think of her, with him.
If there were still any pieces of my heart left that were large enough to break, there aren’t anymore. It feels like it’s all just been ground to bits as fine as sand, threatening to blow away and leave me completely hollow.
“Because I don’t want my roommate and my girlfriend to hate each other? Because you look fucking haunted and I want to try and fix it because we’re friends?” he retorts.
“Are we?” I counter, “I know we used to be.”
By the expression on his face, you might have thought I just hauled off and fucking slapped him, and immediately, I feel like shit. Yeah, he’s been a little weird with me, but it’s my fault there’s distance. I’m the one that initiated that first fucking kiss, I’m the one that told him it was a mistake.
“I’m sorry,” I say with a sigh, “I didn’t…I’m sorry.”
“Hey, if that’s how you feel,” he shrugs, trying to look and sound nonplussed, but the hurt is transparent.
“It isn’t, Elliot,” I shoot back quickly, “That’s not what I meant. And look, you don’t need to talk to Lena.”
He gives me a questioning glance, and I swallow hard.
“I’ll do it.”
Chapter Seven
Lena
I don’t know how much sleep I got last night, but when I catch sight of my reflection in the mirror, I can tell it wasn’t much. And the little bits Ihadmanaged were fitful and crappy, loaded with tossing and turning.
What was supposed to be a night of new starts had turned into a miserable trip down memory lane, leaving me mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted.