“Well, I uh, I wanted to talk with you guys, if you have a few minutes to spare.”
“Sure, everything okay?” Rasmus asks.
“Yeah, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I think I need to make a change,” I say, “These last six years have been incredible, and I can’t thank you both enough for this opportunity and for everything you’ve done for me.”
“We appreciate everything you do here, man,” Brian says sincerely, “What kind of change is it you’re thinking?”
I swallow. This next part is gonna suck, but I know it’s what I have to do. “Well, I’ve decided I’m actually gonna be moving back to New York,” I say, “I love this island, but deep down I think I never quite stopped being homesick.”
Rasmus nods in understanding, and Brian leans back in his chair, blowing out a breath. “I’m gonna be sad to see you go, Chip, but I’m happy for you if this is what you wanna do,” he says.
“Yeah, we’ll miss you around here,” Rasmus agrees, “But you have to do what’s right for you.”
“Thank you, guys, I appreciate it a lot,” I say.
Just like my conversation with Emma yesterday, it feels like an enormous weight off of my chest. I spent pretty much the entirety of last night thinking, and by the time the sun started coming up this morning, I’d come to a couple of big decisions, the largest of which was that it was time to go back to the Big Apple.
It wasn’t solely based around Hazel and Brendon, although I couldn’t say there wasn’t any influence from them. My conversation with Emma definitely also played a part, making me feel like a wound, one I hadn’t even known was still bleeding, had finally healed.
All of it played a part. But at the heart of the decision was the pure and simple fact that I loved New York City. I’d never wanted to leave in the first place, and I wanted to go back. I wanted to go home.
So, here I was, first thing in the morning, putting in my resignation and setting about closing this chapter of my life. And yeah, it was definitely bittersweet, but it was freeing, too. I’d been hiding out here with my tail between my legs for way too long, and it was time to come out of exile. Maybe things wouldn’t be the way they’d been before. I wasn’t even sure I wanted them to be. But whatever happens next, I’m ready for it.
Or at least I’m telling myself I am.
Brian, Rasmus and I discuss for a few minutes, and we agree that I’ll stay on a little ways past the New Year, unless they manage to find someone new before then, and I assure them that if they still need a little more time to replace me after that, I can hang out a little bit longer if need be. As good as they’ve been to me, I’m more than happy to be a little flexible give them some extra time.
After all, I’ve waited all this time to go back, I think I can handle a few more weeks.
We’re finishing up when someone pokes their head in, calling for Brian’s assistance. And I’ve accomplished what I came here to do, so I take my leave, heading back up to my room. As I’m walking, I take some time to appreciate the little things; the varied pieces of artwork on the walls around me, the stunning views out every window in the place…
I try to memorize it all, to take it with me. This place may not be “home,” but even so, it’ll always hold a huge place in my heart, along with the people in it. And while I don’t think I’ll pine for it the way I’ve pined for home, I know I’ll still miss it. Who wouldn’t miss paradise?
But I also know I don’t have to say goodbye for good, either. I can always come back and visit, and both Brian and Rasmus had told me emphatically that the door was always open if I wanted to return.
When I turn down the hall to my apartment, I can see two familiar figures standing outside my door. I wasn’t anticipating Hazel and Brendon’s visit, but my heart swells upon seeing them all the same. And it only makes me more confident that I’m on the right track, because it seems like maybe, just maybe, things are falling into place.
The other major decision I’d made while I stared at my ceiling last night was that if I got another shot with Hazel and Brendon, a shot at something real, I was going to take it.
I was in love with them. More than I’d ever known it was possible to love somebody. To feel something that intense, let alone feel it twice over, still seems beyond impossible, but it’s there all the same. And yeah, the idea of it all scares the ever-loving shit out of me, but I can’t just go through life avoiding anything that scares me.
Risk adds some spice to life. If you’re stagnant, you’re not really living, you’re just existing, and I’m ready to fucking live again.
I head for my front door with my heart in my throat. “I don’t think he’s here,” I hear Brendon saying.
Hazel spots me before he does, but Brendon spots me as I approach and turns to look. “Hey, guys.”
“Hey,” Brendon says.
“I, uh, think we’ve all got some stuff we need to talk about,” Hazel says.
I nod in agreement. “Here, hang on,” I slide past them with my key in hand and unlock the door, opening it for both of them.
They both step inside and I lead them into the living room. “Why don’t you guys have a seat?” I offer.
They both oblige, settling on the couch. I stay on my feet, standing across from them so I can face them both at once. The fact that they’re here has lit a spark of hope. “Do you guys want anything to drink, or….”
I trail off, but both of them shake their heads. I swallow, knowing that there’s no better thing I can do at this point than to just dive right into this.