The hardest part of this “breakup” hasn’t been my own heartbreak. It’s been watching Kristen’s. I can handle my pain easily enough, but watching her hurt over something I can’t fix, something I can’t make better for her…it’s eating me alive.
Part of me wishes we’d never fucking met Stephen fucking Welch. But I know even if part of me feels that way, deep down, I can’t regret any of it. Yeah, it all ended in a fucking train wreck, but I found a part of me that I never would have otherwise discovered.
Not just my sexuality, either, although that’s a big enough thing. I can’t hate the guy who helped me come to terms with bisexuality.
But beyond that, he helped me find some balance I didn’t know was missing. I love Kristen, but for so long, I’d funneled all of my energy into the two of us and forgotten myself. My PC had been gathering dust for a while until Stephen came into our lives.
He brought back parts of me I’d pushed aside, reminded me that there was still a “me” in the “we.” And I think he did the same for her, too.
She’s looked into some childcare classes and applied at a few daycares. She’d liked her old desk job well enough, but now it was like she’d found her place, her passion. She’s even talking about opening her own daycare at some point.
Or at least, she was. Before. She’s been almost scarily quiet since the day she sat me down and told me that Stephen was cutting us off completely.
It was cowardly, but I hadn’t seen him since. I didn’t want to talk to him, didn’t want to hear the words from his mouth.
I thought maybe things would start to look up more after our talk about her quitting, but it’s been a few days and it seems like she’s only retreated further into herself. And the more she retreats, the more my rage grows.
I might not hate him, but that doesn’t mean I’m not pissed as hell at Stephen for throwing this bomb into our lives and then just ducking out. And the more Kris hurts, the angrier I get.
Until one morning, the day before her final day as Judy’s nanny, when I walk in on her crying in the shower. She doesn’t notice me, probably assuming I’m still asleep, and I realize that for all the pain I’ve seen, there’s been so much more that she’s kept hidden.
And suddenly, I’m so mad that I can’t fucking stand it. I throw on the first clothes I can find, not even bothering with shoes, and march across the lawn to Stephen’s front door. I beat on it like an animal, fury pumping through my veins like rocket fuel.
It’s silent for a long moment, and I’m about to start pounding again when it swings open. “Dude, what the fuck? It’s 7 AM, what are you doing here?”
He glances over his shoulder and I see that Judy’s bedroom door is shut. I feel a tiny momentary stab of guilt, hoping I didn’t wake her or scare her, but the fury quickly overpowers and snuffs it out.
“Giving you a piece of my fucking mind. I was gonna let it go, let you slither back into your hole and pretend you didn’t just leech your fucking venom into our lives, and maybe, just maybe, if I were the one suffering, I wouldn’t care. But the way you fucking hurt her? That’s what’s unforgiveable,” I’m raving, spitting mad.
“Hey, man, I seem to recall this being your idea, too, you can’t lay all of this shit on me,” he shoots back.
“I’m not the one who gave up, either,” I retort.
“What did you expect? That the three of us would just go on with our happy little lives as some…what even are we? A threesome is a fun fling, not a fucking relationship!”
“Says who?”
“Says-what? What do you mean, says who? Couples are two people, are they not?”
“So maybe we don’t have to be a couple. Maybe we’re whatever the fuck we are and it doesn’t need some societally-approved label,” I snap, “Why do we care what the outside world has to say about something that makes us happy?”
“Because life isn’t that simple. You can’t just do whatever you want without consequence, and I have a kid to think about. My relationships affect her, too.”
“Don’t fucking hide behind Judy,” I snap, “You and I both know that’s bullshit. She loves us, too, and if kids can learn about families with two daddies or two mommies, what makes you think they can’t understand a family with two and one? It’s no weirder than having a stepdad.”
He blinks slowly, processing, but then shakes his head. “It’s not that simple, Joel,” he repeats, “What happens when you two get tired of this and want to go back to something normal?”
“What happens if we don’t?” I counter, stepping closer to him, “If you focus on everything that can go wrong, nothing ever has a chance to go right.”
He steps backwards, away from me, as I step closer. “That’s easy enough to say, but I can’t just be idealistic. I have to think about all the possibilities.”
“So why are you only considering the negative ones?” I press him.
His back hits the wall and I keep moving closer. He tries to stammer a protest, but before he can cobble anything together, I close my mouth over his. He fights me for a moment, but then his resistance gives way, and he kisses me back.
“Come home with me,” I whisper against his lips, “Please. Let us give this a fair chance.”
“I can’t,” he protests.