The hurt in her voce cuts like broken glass, but I nod. “I’m sorry, Kristen, but I think it’s for the best. I have to protect my daughter.”
She nods, but I can see tears filling her eyes. “I understand,” She whispers, “I’m sorry we took things too far.”
“No, Kristen, it wasn’t-you didn’t-” I fumble over my words, but I can’t come up with anything to comfort her.
“It’s fine,” she shakes her head, “I’ll um, I’ll tell Joel, don’t worry, you won’t have to have this conversation twice.”
Tears trickle down her cheeks and I ache to wipe them away, but I force myself to stay my hand. “Kristen, I’m sorry.”
The words have the opposite of my desired effect; rather than comforting, they seem to make her feel worse. Her face crumples and she lets out a soft sob. Without another word, she pushes past me, grabbing her purse off the coffee table.
I want to call after her, but if I do, I’m afraid my resolve will crumble like tissue paper. So instead, I watch her walk out my door and try and ignore the feeling of my heart shattering in my chest.
Chapter Ten
Kristen
“I’m quitting,” I announce without preamble.
Joel looks up from the breakfast he’s been picking at and pretending to eat. “What?”
“I’m going to quit and look for a new job.”
“Did he say something?” he asks, then his face darkens, “If he’s being a dick to you-”
“No, it’s nothing like that. I just…it hurts too much, you know?”
It’s been a week and a half since Stephen gave his little “let’s keep things professional” speech, and it feels like every day has been more miserable than the last.
He nods. “I get it. I don’t blame you. I don’t think I could keep facing him every day either.”
“This is so weird,” I sigh, “I hate this. It feels like we’re going through a breakup…together. But we never actually had something real with him, so why does it hurt so much?”
“We did have something real with him,” Joel corrects me, “It might not have been a relationship, but the friendship was real.”
“It’s only been a few weeks, though.”
“True. But time isn’t a metric for how close a friendship is.”
“I guess not,” I agree.
“So yeah, if you want to quit, babe, you know I support you,” he reaches across the table and takes my hand, giving it a comforting squeeze.
It’s a little bit of a comfort. Part of the motivation behind my decision to quit comes from the fact that Joel’s been distant. We haven’t had sex since Stephen was between us, and it’s almost like we’ve each been in our own bubbles, barely touching.
And I can’t lose him. Whatever my-our feelings for Stephen might be, I can’t just give up on the life that Joel and I have built together.
It hurts like hell. All of it. I fucking hate that I might never see Judy again after this, it leaves a hole in my chest just as big as the loss of her father. I’ve grown to love that little girl like my own.
But it’s probably for the best for her, too. She deserves someone who can give their full attention, and I’ve been preoccupied. Better that she be in the care of someone professional, who won’t end up between her dad’s bedsheets. Better that I leave before I break her little heart, too.
“I’ll give him some time to find someone else, first,” I add, “I won’t just leave him high and dry.”
“Sounds fair,” Joel agrees.
“Joel?” my voice is tiny.
He looks at me, and I fight to maintain my composure. “Are we going to be okay?” I whisper.