“Um, I can kind of think of a few things.”
“Such as?”
“Um, the fact that I’m a straight man in a committed relationship with the most amazing woman on the planet?”
“Okay, first of all, having a little crush in no way harms your committed relationship. It’s just attraction, it’s not something you can control. The only thing that would be wrong would be just acting on it. And secondly, who says you’re straight? Personally, I don’t think anyone’s a hundred percent straight.”
Lexi had come out as bisexual when she was about fifteen and started dating another girl at her high school. Our parents were great and supportive, and I like to think that I was, too. But I’d never stopped to think that she might not be the only member of that rainbow family under our roof.
I’d never really looked at guys like that. I mean, I had the same man-crush on Ryan Reynolds that just about any other millennial guy seemed to have, and maybe my teenage obsession with Hugh Jackman had run deeper than just idolization.
I shake my head. “Whatever, it doesn’t matter even if I did swing that way, right? Like you said, I’m never going to act on it, so why go there?”
“Well, sure, you’re not going to act on it, but that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to think about it or figure out that part of yourself," she remarks, "It’s still your identity. Your relationship with Kristen doesn’t define all of you.”
“No, I know it doesn’t, it just...I don’t know. I’m too old to still be figuring out my identity,” I laugh.
She scoffs and shakes her head. “Ian McKellen didn’t come out publicly until he was almost fifty. You’re not even thirty-five. It’s never too late.”
“Okay, so even if I sit down and figure it out and say to myself, ‘I’m bi,’ what then?” I ask her, “What do I even do with that information? Tell Kris?”
I feel a twist in my gut. Sharing that kind of revelation could only hurt her, make her think I want something different or she’s somehow not good enough, right? And that’s the last thing I want.
“If you want. Or don’t, but there’s nothing wrong with it. You know she loves you for who you are, and who you are hasn’t changed, has it?”
“No.”
“And your attraction to her hasn’t changed?”
“Of course not.”
“So why should you feel like you have to hide something new you’ve learned about yourself?”
It’s a good point, but it still does little to assuage my worries. It’s all well and good to say things would be so easy and simple, but it’s another when you’ve got real people and feelings involved.
I feel like our conversation has left me with more questions than I had before.
Could I really be bi? Does it even matter if I am? And if I am, do I tell Kris? Would she understand?
I sure as fuck couldn’t tell Stephen. Surely that would make shit weird between us, and that feels like crossing a line. Because even if these weird feelings I’ve got are some sort of crush, that’s all it can ever be. I’m not willing to risk Kris over it.
We pull up to the house and Lexi unbuckles herself. “Look, Joey, I’m just your little sister, so I know my advice may not mean much. But if you ever listen to one thing I say, let it be this: There is nothing wrong with being who you are, so long as you live honestly.”
I stare at her for a moment. “That’s beautiful, Lex.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know. Shakespeare, eat your heart out. Now, come on, this one’s got a swimming pool and it’s listed at five grand under my budget.”
So, with even more weighing on my mind than before, I follow after her.
Chapter Six
Stephen
It's been a long time since I've had the place all to myself, and to be honest I don't really know what to do with an empty house.
It's a long holiday weekend, and I'd gotten a call early in the week from Elise's mom, Nancy, and she asked me if she could take Judy for the long weekend and take her down to Anaheim for Disney and all that fun jazz.
Obviously, I couldn't say no to that. Judy loves her grandma, and I know Nancy’s been missing her since we moved away. So, she'd made the trip and picked up my daughter, leaving me a free bachelor. Needless to say, this meant that I gave Kristen the days off, and coming home this afternoon to the empty house just hit me harder than I expected.