Not knowing what she’s doing, or how she’s doing is driving me crazy. I didn't even get a text before bed. Though, I probably should have texted her, because now it feels too late to do so. I miss talking to her, but more so, I miss being with her.
Unfortunately, I'm on edge and no closer to an idea to fix this than I was yesterday. Trying to work out my frustrations yesterday, I did all the manual labor, and I'm pretty sure I scared off the ranch hands.
"Geo, I'm going for a drive. I'll be back in a while." I tell him, after moving some hay around for no reason.
"Good idea, boss. Clear your head." He says, but I'm sure he will be happy to have me out of the way for a bit.
Heading to one of the ranch trucks, I drive down the dirt road that leads to the back of the ranch and end up by the highway. It has the best views on the ranch, and I won't have to be paying too much attention, since it will be empty.
Ever since I started driving, this is how I would clear my head. A nice, long, slow drive along the ranch through some of the pastures is peaceful and helps me think. I would roll the windows down, take in the fresh air, and sometimes, crank up the music. By the time I would make it back to the main house, my head was clear, and I'd have a plan of action.
My dad did the same thing, and I know Geo does it every now and then as well. I remember once my mom got so frustrated with my dad, that she told him to go for a drive. He was gone for hours, but when he came home, they talked, and they couldn't keep their hands off each other. I was about thirteen, and it completely grossed me out.
As I drive, I can picture Kaylee's face. I know I messed things up. All I saw was this other guy, who thought he had some kind of claim on her, and I saw red. She was right. We hadn't talked about what we are to each other, and with my reputation, I can't blame her for not wanting to assume.
I spent so much time pushing her away, that she was probably scared to push me too hard, thinking I'd up and run just like I did. All I wanted was to hear her tell this guy I was her boyfriend, and that she was mine. When she didn’t, I was hurt and pissed.
Then, instead of talking to her the first time things got hard, I left and couldn't even pick up the phone to let her know I was okay. No wonder she stopped calling me. I was an asshole. Christ, I wouldn't want to talk to me either.
When we got together, I should have made it clear to her that she’s it for me. I knew it years ago, and it's why I didn't even think twice about making the promise to marry her if we weren't married by thirty-years-old. I always saw a life with her and only her. If it wasn't her, it wouldn't be anyone else.
Whenever I thought of my wife, it was her I saw walking down the aisle to me, her being the mother of my kids, and running the ranch with me. She’s who I want to come home to every night and wake up with every morning.
She was right. My other relationships didn't work out, because it was always her I saw in my future, and not them. I just didn't see us dating, and then figured by the time she came to me to collect on the pact we made, I'd be ready, and we'd get married and just slip into married life. I didn't give it much thought.
I should have stayed the other night and talked to her. My dad never walked out on my mom like that. He might have gone to the barn to cool off, but they always worked it out, before going to bed that night. I don't think they ever went to bed angry.
Am I too late to talk to her now? I could show up on her doorstep with flowers or chocolate and beg for her to talk to me, or even just to listen. I know I have to do something if I don't want to lose her. Even if she doesn't want to keep dating, I can't lose her, as my best friend.
I need to make a big gesture to show her I'm an idiot, and how sorry I am. It needs to be something that proves I know her; not some generic gesture anyone could do.
As I round the sharp corner into the trees, I come face-to-face with a cow in the middle of the road. I jerk the wheel to the side to avoid hitting the cow, but the truck skids.
I try to pump the brakes and slow the truck down. Though I didn't think I was driving that fast, but I also wasn't paying attention.
The truck spins, and I can't stop it. I hit something. A tree? The cow? I don't know, because the force of the impact jerks me around before everything goes black.