“Are you okay? I don’t want you to be angry with me?” Hudson asked sheepishly as a couple of his fingers dangled in the water’s surface as the rest held my hip. It drew my gaze to the ripples he was causing. It was fascinating watching the shades and colors as they mixed together.
I welcomed the wave of emotion that coursed through my veins at that moment as I let my eyes weep. I let my tears drip into the pooled waters and connect with something deeper inside my soul. That I’d finally found home.
“My mom revealed some truths last night, and it brought back a lot of memories.” I forced the words out with a whimper, not recognizing my own voice. “It made me question everything…”
“Shh.” He rubbed my shoulders as the sob escaped. “I’d never let anything happen to you or the ones you love.”
I nodded before taking a deep breath. “I found out the real reason we moved here. I felt betrayed and then I panicked whether I could come here and face my fear.”
I watched Hudson’s jaw tick before he placed a kiss against the corner of my mouth.
“I’m going to help you let it go,” he confidently said. “Look at where you are and what you’ve achieved. I mean, baby, you’re in the water. You faced and tackled your emotions head on.” I let a small whimper out, realizing he was right. “Stop holding on so tight to that fear and the reason behind it. Shout it out into the air and let the wind carry it away. Don’t let it consume you any longer, instead ride the waves and embrace it.”
The desperation of my tortured soul screamed to let the pain out that had caused me so much misery over the years. The dead weight that had held me locked, chained away from the beautiful comfort that encased me. Don’t get me wrong, I knew that the waters that surrounded us were deadly, but I’d let my emotions see past logic. I understood that my fear had been rational, but it had become soul consuming; it had changed me, but now Hudson had freed me. I knew he was right. I just had to let go. I mean, who else could I share my sordid past with and let them understand why I am the way I am? If anyone deserved to know it was Hudson; the guy who had stolen a piece of me without me even noticing. The man I was certain I loved.
I drew back a breath and said the words under a trembled tone, “Paul, you’re at peace now. What happened here was a terrible accident.” I choked back harshly as Hudson’s body went solid under my touch, but it didn’t deter me. I couldn’t let it stop me from getting each word out. “It was unusual circumstances. You were only a little boy, and you didn’t understand the dangers.” I felt the whoosh of air as the water moved around us and a ripple of water by my side. “I have to stop fearing that water will repeat its actions and swallow me whole.”
“What water?” Hudson swallowed harshly. His voice cracked full of emotion as he refused his focus to remain anywhere where mine was. “What happened to Paul?”
“This water, Hudson. My mom said this ocean and beach is where my little brother got lost in a wave and never made it back to shore without help.” I could barely say the next words aloud, as recognition hit that I’d struggled to say the words out loud about him. “Paul died, Hudson. Secondary drowning.”
“When? How old was he?” He grabbed my hand and began dragging me back toward dry land as I noticed a change in the air. Had Hudson noticed something amiss? Was there something wrong in the ocean or was he just uncomfortable with the conversation? I mean, he had been the one to push me in this direction and the weight on my shoulders felt considerably lighter as I, for once, actually wanted to just splash him and make him let go. I just wanted to try and take the sternness off Hudson’s face that had suddenly appeared. Where had that carefree, fun-loving guy gone who’d made my pussy throb with uncontrollable need? At this moment, all I wanted to do was to shy away, not because I was scared of him but to try and give him a moment. I needed to find Finn and get his support. He’d know what had spooked Hudson and have an idea how to deal with the situation. I just didn’t know what to do to get Hudson to stop and bring him back to the now. So, I went with my gut and answered the questions.
“Hudson, he was six years old,” I replied slowly watching his body stop and halt the moment our feet stopped on the sand. He turned to face me, dropping my hand in the process and I couldn’t hide my gasp as the tears trickled down his cheeks. I wrapped my arms around myself and searched out in hope of the others, spotting them coming down the high rocks in our direction. I knew I had to continue, and my gut squeezed tightly in anticipation, as a dreaded wash of emotion rolled across me. “Paul was six years old, and he got swept up in the ocean behind us just over five years ago.”
I didn’t have time to process Hudson’s reaction as a choked sob escaped his throat and he grabbed his chest.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he screamed, turning away as he ran, and I dropped to the floor on my knees and watched him leave with Finn on his heels.
CHAPTERTEN
HUDSON
The moment Summer told me the reason her fears existed, my life as I knew it started to collapse around me. The panic started to set in. I could feel my breathing becoming harder and the oxygen starting to feel as if it were disappearing from my lungs forever. I was suffocating from every word that left her mouth.
The thoughts rumbled round in my head;she’d lost someone, her brother. Until it hit me like a thunderbolt when she answered my questions and my screams of sorry carried over the wind back to her. I had to run. I had to escape as the memories of that day came flooding back to me. I thought I’d saved him. I thought that child had survived, but I didn’t do enough. I…
“Hudson…” The familiar tone of Finn’s voice washed over me as I felt his strong presence catching up to me. No wonder he’d made the team, as he was the fastest by a long shot.Why hadn’t I pushed him that day into the water after that boy? Maybe, just maybe?“Get out of your mind, man, and talk to me!”
The palm of his hand grabbed my shoulder and I tried to wrestle away from his tight grip. I didn’t want him to bear witness to the state I was in. The emotional battle I’d fought against was only something I wanted my inner self to bear witness to. No one did that. Ever. I was the strong, powerful one and somehow, through revealing an unknown part of my past, I felt weak. That everything I’ve ever known has been a lie. I’d become a lifeguard because of that moment; it had defined me. In reality, it was all a façade.
“Just let me be. I don’t need… anyone.” I choked back through the lump that had formed in my throat.
“Hudson…” Finn spun me around and took one look at me. The sorrow I expected to appear in his eyes wasn’t visible, instead an edge of concern. “Let’s go. I’ll message Jess and Amelia to stay with Summer. We’ll head to your place.”
I couldn’t speak and mustered a barely there nod at the hearing of Summer’s name. My heart had broken; her brother had died all because of me.
I don’t remember how I’d got back to my place, the walk, or even that Finn had been by my side every step of the way. The way I was led straight into the living room, and I heard the whispered words between my dad and him as I sank to the floor and gathered my arms around my knees, replaying the scenes over and over again. How could I not have seen this coming?
“H…” Finn eased the words warily as he dropped to the ground and sat beside me. “I’m not going anywhere, but we’re all worried. I’ve had to stop your dad charging in here to know what’s going on. Jess and Amelia are saying Summer’s gone radio silent and just sat staring into space. They can’t get her to move. Talk to me. Did you have a fight already?”
“She’s still there?” I dragged my gaze to look at Finn and could feel the tremble take hold of my body. “Why wouldn’t she have just run and left? I’m surprised she’s not wanting to tear me to shreds. Her mom…”
“H… take a breath and start from the beginning. You’re scaring me,” Finn uttered, his palm closing over my knee and giving it a squeeze. “It’s okay.”
“It really is okay, my boy,” Dad said as my tears trickled, and I let every ounce of self-respect disappear. It wasn’t until the strength of my dad on one side and Finn on the other that I knew that I’d never be alone, no matter what happened.
“Summer’s brother was Paul.” I forced the words out as both men looked at one another and I dropped my head down.