“You’re not, we couldn’t help how our feelings developed, darling. My heart is yours, Harlow. I know you are trying to do what you think is best for everyone, but what about you? Harlow, you deserve happiness and Johnny just needs time to accept that.”
She couldn’t help the worry and negativity lacing her voice. Her knees touched mine and she grabbed my hands.
“What if Johnny can’t, though? I know he may bemybrother, but at the end of the day, he’s always been more to you than me,” she said, dropping her head down as I let go of her hand and lifted her chin up to match my eyes.
“Don’t think that way, Harlow. You have always meant so much to him. You are his world and always have been. The years without you tore him apart, and I was the selfish prick that told him to not chase after you and to let you come home on your own accord. Harlow, you have always been feisty, you needed that time for you when you left. Johnny may have seemed that he didn’t care at times, but it was the polar opposite. I fucking wish I had ignored all the advice I gave him though and chased you earlier.”
I waited nervously for words to hit the air.
“Why? You can have anyone, Elijah,”Harlow replied.
I couldn’t have hidden the bewildered shock that must have shown on my face, as I moved as closer to her when her mouth dropped wide open. My fingers moved the dangling piece of hair that had escaped from behind her ear, I tucked it back in, and I spoke softly and clear.
“I will do anything for us, but more importantly for you. Just know that maybe we are a little crazy and yes this has been a whirlwind relationship, but I’m caught in a spin that I never want to escape. Taking this time for Johnny is going to hurt, it really is, but Harlow, if you’re waiting at the end of it, I know it will all be worth the pain. You are the oxygen I need with every breath I take, the missing piece of my puzzle. When we are back together, I won’t waste a second of time with you again. I need you, all of you. Can you do this for me, for us?”
I swiped the tear that has escaped her eye with my thumb and kissed the salty residue away. I pushed our lips together, igniting every emotion I had just spoken through the movements of my mouth. Eager to show her just how I needed her in my life, our mouths glided together as one, our breaths mingled, letting our tongues merge. A kiss of understanding, meaning and promise, as we both know that this time apart was just a temporary measure.
That no matter what else happened, in the end, Harlow would be here for me.
Those moments spent together talking, just holding each other, and discussing our thoughts with one another passed too quickly. It opened a Pandora’s box of emotions which neither of us had expected to reveal yet. Without the time to comprehend and evaluate them until later, we knew we had to set to task gathering all my belongings. I opened the suitcase, helping put each item inside feeling like a piece of each other was being locked away and removed from the time spent together. Harlow’s resilience beamed out, even though I could see every step was a struggle not to crumble. One foot after another was all we could manage at that moment and even that was an ingrained motion. Our short time together had flown by, and we just seemed to fit naturally, and for now it was being temporarily taken from us.
Her withdrawn attitude cast me back to those years before, when she first felt misplaced from everything. That path she went on as she searched for that missing piece that had gone from her life. The vivid thoughts of her pain with her loss, made so much more sense, as it was if a reflection of what was happening now. We were both mirror images, except from long-term loss, we were losing each other due to another's need. One in which we hoped would eventually understand our sentiments for each other. As I pulled the case to the door and gave her that last kiss, promising I would message her, it broke my heart all over again. To talk about a situation and then actually having to do the task, was completely different. The thought freaked me out that I had to actually leave her and go back to my house alone. Harlow for once wouldn’t be where she belonged - tucked into my side, or in my bed, or the worst of all, just to see her. She had agreed that Johnny wanted this and with us both knowing his demeanour, decided that this would be the best approach. Just not looking back and making us hurt anymore was the least I could do. Once inside, I could break down and let my heartache show. Harlow and I just needed to show Johnny how much we needed each other.
Forty-Five
Harlow
Johnny’s messagewas like a record ingrained in my memory. It wouldn’t sink in that somehow it had been discovered about the two of us. Everything happening now was a result of that. My body was moving, carrying on like it had to, but my mind couldn’t catch up. I thought it was just me, but it wasn’t. We were both lost the moment he read that message; I saw something that scared me slightly. It was as all life had been knocked from his eyes leaving just a pit of nothing behind...
The words spilled over talking together as my heart was torn, my emotions unlocked, and I realised the two men were pulling me in opposite directions and for different reasons. Johnny, for the way he had brought me up, cared and comforted me. Even with our conflicts and issues between us, he was always the person who stood by me. The reality scared me that Elijah had stolen that extra thump in my heartbeat, and I couldn’t be without him. Johnny and his friendship with Elijah would be the deciding force, and I was the tether in the middle ground. I just wish I weren’t.
My pain would always come second to anyone else’s. Whether I wanted to admit it or not. I just prayed Johnny would see what friction and animosity this tension would cause. If push came to shove, though, I would step back and allow the guys a chance to reconcile. Even if my heart would shatter in the process. The thing was, I didn’t know if Elijah would now allow that to happen. If he would accept this thing between us, that he would lay the foundations he had built his life on. I knew I had made a promise and I would be here, but in which capacity, it all depended on Johnny in the end. It seemed I was the only thing that mattered.
Even when I lost my parents, he was hurt and he struggled, especially about mama, but this was different. At that moment, I didn’t want to read between the lines and push those thoughts further than needed. Even though I knew deep down that normally reading the signs would’ve meant I was spot on. At that moment, I didn’t think I could react how I knew I wanted, as my mind was stuck on this rollercoaster, and I couldn’t escape. A ride of constant hoops and drops, which made my stomach churn and my mind whirl, unable to process the reality of coherent thought. His words struck a chord deep, full of truth and meaning. At the end of this, we would have one another. Once Johnny understood the reasonings and our feelings. A hiccup that was all it was, just a giant setback that wouldn’t be budged. He loved us both and I knew that deep down. Even through my struggles of the level of commitment, I thought they weren’t as strong as they were to Johnny. It was the way he reacted that hurt and stung the most. I ploughed every feeling into one single commitment, as it took my breath away, consuming that message into a locked box and throwing away the key. He had stolen the show and made my last memories of us a promise of devotion.
When the time came for Elijah to leave, my heart screamed to beg him to stay. I wanted to force my body to react barricading him in, but I knew our plan was the best way forward. We still had our phones letting each other know of any updates. I knew once the bigger picture had been seen things could’ve been dealt with better. I promised myself not to look back when he walked down that path. I knew I would’ve not stopped my feet from chasing after him and wrapped my legs around his waist, not caring for the community. My body wanted to be grinding against his cock, with my hands fisting the hair on his hand and smothering his mouth with mine. Except for the reality of the moment was bittersweet, as I shut the door, my resolve was gone. I just couldn’t have made the situation worse than it was. I knew my inner strength couldn’t cope any longer as I released every tear I could produce, until my tear ducts found there were none left.
My world had broken as everything seemed to continue on its daily grind around me. I felt numb with no tears left to shed but somehow mustered the strength to change into my fleece, thick pyjamas when my mobile phone vibrated.
Elijah – Remember, I’m always here, gorgeous. Dry those tears and try to be strong. Forever yours. Xxx.
Elijah was right, I knew he was, as I headed to the bathroom about to splash some water on my face and refresh myself. When I heard the front door open and the words I dreaded being called from downstairs.
“Harlow.”
Johnny was back and it was time to talk. The least I could do was go and listen. Even though I would much rather curl into a ball and lock myself away from everything.
I texted a quick message in reply to Elijah, letting him know Johnny was back, and made my way down the stairs. Johnny had taken a seat on one edge of the sofa and called me over to the other. Boundaries for Johnny meant he couldn’t get too close to me and allow emotions to take hold. If that happened, he would struggle to express his opinion, not the blunter approach that he would’ve liked. It was a classic technique for Johnny that he had forgotten. I had gone through those interrogations and movements time and time again in my youth. Why would I expect anything different? I was his sister and knew the moment I saw him, where his defences would lie.
I would be pleasant at first but knowing Johnny he would’ve swooped straight in for the kill with his direct line of questioning.
“How was Belgium business and is yourfriendRia fine? Or did you decide you had enough time away?”
I knew he would either pick up on the bait or deny all knowledge and go straight to saying what was on his mind. I wouldn’t be surprised if he had been planning his line of questioning on the whole journey back from the airport. Avoidance of the question and straight to detail had always been the plan. He couldn’t even make eye contact with me, and I noticed the drink in the tumbler next to him.
“How long?” he asked quietly.
I had to be honest with Johnny; what was the point of more lies falling between us? Johnny rolled the glass tumbler rim along with his fingertips as he waited for my answer, before I just let the words out. There was no point holding back, quick and to the point was the best method.