Her words drag me to a childhood memory.
We were swinging in the courtyard of Kindred Hearts and Kristy said, “Why can’t you come home with us? I don’t like leaving you here. I wish you were my sister. Then we could always be together.”
The next day, I learned the word adoption. I begged Sophia to take me home with her. I explained to her that I’d be the best girl. At some point, I even hugged her legs, begging her to show me what home really looked like.
My eyes swim with tears, remembering the small girl and how this event was another of those that had made her believe she was cursed to be unloved for life.
Fishing photographic memory!
Masking the humiliation brought by the bitter memory, I squeeze Kristy’s hand in return.
“I’m so sorry, Rose.” I glance at Sophia, hearing her guilt-laden words, but I quickly look away from her puffy, splotchy face.
I don’t want to understand today.
All through my life, I thought it was somehow my fault that no one wants to be with me, but it wasn’t.
“No, Mom.” Kristy jumps from the couch and stands in front of her, our mother. “You don’t get to say sorry. You just don’t! You knew Rose wasn’t happy there. You knew she missed us whenever we went for vacations. You knew everything and yet you didn’t accept her.”
“Krist-ty, I’m sure S-Sophia had her reasons,” Zane interrupts, trying to pacify her.
“It doesn’t matter, Zane, because we’re all broken anyway.”
“Calm down, Kris.” Oscar pulls her in his arms.
“Can you believe it, Oscar? Can you believe what she did? You didn’t introduce me to Charlie until you were sure about us. You are always protecting him, protecting me. But my mom…my own mom—” Kristy sobs into his arms before pulling back. “God, what kind of mother will I be?” Her hands rest on her flat stomach. “Oh God, Oscar, how can we be sure that I won’t do something like this to our child?”
My heart achingly squeezes watching all this.
Sophia’s sobs grow louder, and Kristy’s crying heavier with every passing minute. All the noise and agitation become unbearable. I’m about to scream or have a meltdown when Zane perches beside me.
Putting his arms tentatively around my shoulders, he whispers, “Why d-don’t you get some r-rest. Once Zander and Beas-st are back, there will be more dis-scussions, I’m sure.”
I return to my bedroom and close the door, hoping the bolted door will keep the dreadful revelations outside. Under the covers, I’m alone with my thoughts, without the noise, the screaming, the sobbing.
For the first time since Sophia’s admission, I contemplate. What does all this mean?
How will this affect my life?
* * *
I’m pulled away from some airy space. But I don’t want to leave. I want to stay between the clouds for just a bit longer. I’m light-headed when I groggily open my eyes.
What was I dreaming about?
“Couch girl?” Zander coos in his gentle voice, his face inches away from mine.
“I—I don’t want to get up.” I twist and bury my face in the pillow. I just want to forget today.
“I know, baby, but you have to.” He caresses my hair. “Everyone’s waiting for you.” Zander observes me carefully, as he always does whenever he thinks I’m about to fall apart.
I hold his gaze and notice how much of a toll everything has taken on him. My breakdown over Kristy’s pregnancy, knowing Sophia’s truth, and God knows what happened with Roxanne. My fingers lightly stroke his weary face, and he closes his eyes and falls into my touch.
When his probing eyes are no longer fixed on me, I get some courage to give voice to my emotions. “I don’t know what to make of all this. For so long, I wanted to be part of a family, but today, I don’t want this. I want to run away to a place where everything is back to how it was two days ago.”
His eyes flutter open. “I know, babe. But now you do have a family. You cannot run away. You have to accept it.” Before I can protest, he places a swift kiss on my lips. “Everyone is as confused as you, couch girl. But we can’t just hide.”
I shake my head, about to tell him that I’m a pro at hiding. That’s what I’ve done all my life. But he places another kiss on my lips, this time taking it deeper.