“I’ll never leave you, baby.” I pull her close to my chest. But when I try to get up, she protests, shaking her head.
We spend the night on the floor. She pukes a few more times, coming in and out of consciousness the whole night.
13
ROSE
“You’re still here,” I whisper in a croaky voice when I feel Zander near me. If it weren’t for the cold tiled floor of my room against my forehead and cheek, I wouldn’t even know where I am. His warm presence is the only thing keeping this room alive; otherwise, everything around me feels dead.
“How are you?” he asks as I try to sit up, supporting my back against the wall.
I peer up at him as he sits on his haunches in front of me, still not close. He continues to stare at me without so much as touching me or making a sound.
“Are you afraid of me?”
Hearing my words, he shakes his head. His eyes are bloodshot; I’m guessing due to lack of sleep. I’m sure he didn’t shut his eyes for a minute the whole night. His hair is ruffled, and he looks years older than he did yesterday. Overall, he looks tired.
Tired of me.
“How are you still here?” I ask again, my parched throat making it difficult to speak.
Zander picks up a glass of water from the table and passes it to me. I follow his movements, trying to understand what he’s still doing here.
“Where else would I be?” His eyes are filled with so much sorrow that I can’t even bear to look at him for long.
My mind says, anywhere but here in reply to his question.
I return the empty glass, and he places it back on the table, being careful not to touch me.
“You don’t want to touch me?” I ask as he observes me with those sorrowful eyes from a distance.
“Rose, I’m afraid to do anything at this moment.”
I nod. I understand. My chest, stomach, limbs, and most of all my heart, all ache knowing that it’s over now. He won’t be able to stay. But then he surprises me.
“I would do anything to hold you in my arms, to take away the pain, the…fear. But more than that, I don’t want you to go back to whatever dark place you visited yesterday.”
My eyes itch as fresh tears start flowing from them. I cry for myself, but also for him. How much pain have I caused him?
“You’re killing me, baby.” He looks up at the ceiling, and a single tear rolls down the corner of his eyes.
Oh my God! What did I do to him?
The pressed anguish bursts in my chest, and I forget to breathe. I jump into Zander’s arms, and my action catches him off guard. It takes him a second to find his balance again.
He crushes me against his chest, as if this was something he’s wanted to do for hours.
“I thought you’d leave,” I say in between hiccups, my throat thickening every second.
“And go where?” he asks again, as if there’s nowhere else in this world he’d rather be.
“Somewhere far. Someplace where I don’t exist.”
“That’s the problem, couch girl. You’re everywhere. In my every breath, in my every heartbeat. I’m never away from you, even when you’re not around.” When I sneeze in his arms, he says, “I knew you would catch a cold in those wet clothes, but I also didn’t know what to do.”
My heart cracks at hearing him so helpless. Zander likes to be in control. I can’t imagine how he survived last night.
“Would it be okay to change now?” he asks.