“How can you stand it?” His voice came out a little hoarse.
“I went to a lecture once, about compassion fatigue for health care providers. The way the speaker put it was so perfect, and I’ll never forget it. He said when a patient dies, they go into one of three categories. Some are like a balloon released into the sky. Those are the ones that maybe we didn’t treat for very long, or we played only a small part in their care. Though we’re sad when they pass, they kind of float away from our memories as the days go by. Others are ones that meant a lot, and whom we got to know well. When they die, we wear them like a backpack…where they’ll always be, carried around with us and never forgotten.” She paused and took a deep breath. Her chin trembled, and she swallowed. “Then there’s the third category. For those patients, their loss is so painful, the grief so debilitating and overwhelming, that we have to shut them away in a drawer, because thinking about them is too raw.”
Tears formed behind her eyelids, and she blinked to keep them contained.
Andrew swallowed and focused on the bowl of ice cream. “This Kiki, he’s in the third group?”
“Yes.”
Andrew slowly scooped a bite of ice cream and put it in his mouth. He swallowed and said, “You really are amazing. I hope you know that.”
She looked across the table, and the second her eyes connected with those warm brown ones, the words tumbled out. “You’re pretty wonderful yourself.” Another thought occurred to her, and she smiled. “I saw you talking to Jasmine. That’s a feat in and of itself. I’ve tried to befriend that girl for months.”
“I wouldn’t say we’re friends, but I’m working on it. She seemed sad.”
“She’s fourteen, and she’s smart. Her disease isn’t curable, and she knows it.”
Andrew suddenly looked like the breath had been knocked out of him. “Fuck, this has been the most depressing day I’ve ever had.”
Lauren leaned forward and put her hand over his. “Maybe I shouldn’t have suggested you do this…”
“No.” Andrew shook his head. He flipped his hand underneath hers so that their palms pressed together, and he wrapped his fingers around hers. “I didn’t mean that like it sounded. It felt good, to spend time with those kids and make them laugh. I want to do it again. But it was sad at the same time. You know? I don’t think I’ve been exposed to so much illness in a day before.” He looked like he wanted to say more, but he stopped. With his free hand he tugged at the hem of his beanie. “I’m happy to have the chance to spend time with you.”
She looked down, and he gave a gentle pull on her hand. When she looked up at him, the vulnerability mixed with affection in his gaze halted the breath in her throat.
Andrew took a shaky breath. “I know I shouldn’t say it, but I really like you, Lauren.”
She shook her head, but he kept going. “I know you don’t want to do anything about it right now. I do. I’m trying my best to hold back and respect you and the job you’re so good at, that you love. But I want you to know that I think you’re amazing. You’re funny and generous, and heart-stoppingly beautiful. So I’m giving you fair warning that when my treatment is over, this is happening.”
Oh, hell. She could feel the flush creep up her neck and consume her face, and she closed her eyes.
“This is happening,” he repeated.
She opened her eyes and nodded, agreeing wordlessly, before she slipped her hand away from his and placed it in her lap. She locked eyes with him.
“Just not yet,” was her soft reply.
“I can accept that,” Andrew said. “As long as I know there might be a future, I can be patient in the present.”
Lauren made the trip to Cedar Creek for the holidays. She’d promised to work Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas at her dad’s store, and she preferred to keep herself occupied when she was home. She also couldn’t wait to catch up with her childhood friends Kate and Samantha.
Plus, after the news about Kiki and Andrew’s declaration of intention toward her, it was nice to get away and take a break.
The good thing about her dad’s independent pharmacy was that he set his own hours, and the store closed at six. After getting things in order and locking up on the day after Christmas, Lauren made plans to meet her friends at their coffee shop. She pulled up at Ristretto Coffee House, a business they’d opened after college. As she walked in, she saw Kate behind the coffee bar and Samantha sitting on a stool at the counter. When Samantha noticed her, she jumped to the floor with an excited screech.
“Lauren!”
“Hey, girls,” Lauren exclaimed, hugging Samantha first, and then Kate, who came out to join them.
“It’s so good to see you. Come on, let’s go sit in the back,” Kate said. She gestured to a young man working the espresso machine. “Tim’s got everything handled.”
Lauren followed her two oldest friends to the back corner of the sizable café.
“First things first,” Lauren said after they’d settled around the table. “How’s married life treating the two of you?”
Kate and Samantha had each gotten married within a few months of each other. It had been a little over a year since Lauren had come back to Cedar Creek to stand up as a bridesmaid for Kate. Samantha and her husband, Paul, had eloped and married in Vegas a few months before that, shocking everyone with the news upon their return.
They talked about married life for a while, Lauren feeling content to sit and listen to stories of the highs and occasional lows that came with new commitment. She laughed often, and, even though she loved her life in Kansas City, Kate and Samantha were the two things she missed most about Cedar Creek.