His eyes are glassy. His hands not fully steady as he lets go of me, gingerly, with difficulty. I watch him try to collect himself for long seconds before he picks up. “Ward.”
He is winded, chest moving up and down. He palms his erection like it hurts, all the while staring at me, me, only me. Then he looks away and his demeanor abruptly changes. “Say that again?” The speaker on the other end is female. I can’t make out the words, but I recognize the voice from before. From the picture in his office. “Yeah, of course,” Levi says reassuringly. His voice is still husky, but soft. Caring. Intimate. He turns around and gives me his back, like I’m not here anymore. They used to date, a nagging voice provides. What you just did with Levi? He used to do it with her. And much more.
“I’ll be right there.”
Reality’s catching up fast. I just—I did that. I haven’t been this close to another human being in years, and now—with Levi. I liked it, too. I forgot myself and probably all decency, but maybe he didn’t? He’s leaving in the middle of it. Because of a phone call. From a friend. Whom he used to date. Shit. Shit—
“Bee?” I look up. His eyes are ablaze. His jeans tented. Okay—he is that big. “I need to go.” His throat bobs before and after he says it. He doesn’t seem fully in control. Could I convince him to stay, if I tried?
Probably not. I won’t, anyway. “Of course.”
“I would...”
“It’s okay.”
“I will...”
“Yeah, you can...”
“Yes.”
I’ve no clue what he’s trying to say, and I seriously doubt he knows what I mean, since I have no idea myself. We’re talking over each other. Just like we were all over each other. Ba Dum Tss.
One last glance and he leaves. He’s halfway down the stairs when I notice the car keys on the table, on top of the diagram I drew. I grab them and run after him. “Hey, you forgot your keys!”
He stops on the landing and holds out his hand, so I go to him and drop them into his palm. I expect him to leave right after, but he surprises me by stepping closer. Then closer still.
For long moments he just looks at me, eyes full of beautiful, undecipherable green things. My throat constricts, my stomach twists, and I want to tell him that I’m sorry, that it’s okay, that I know he made a mistake, that we never need to talk about this, never again. But before I can say anything, he cups my cheek and leans down to kiss me once more.
This time it’s sweet, slow, savoring. Patient. This time it’s lingering and gentle—everything our other kiss wasn’t.
I want to try them all. All the kisses Levi Ward is capable of, I want to sample them like fine wine.
I touch my lips, feel his residual warmth, and don’t take my eyes off his back as he disappears.
17
PULVINAR: REACHING & GRASPING
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected], [email protected]
Re: BLINK—Monday
I’ll be taking personal time and I won’t be in at all today (Monday). I uploaded three designs for you to work on. Bee came up with a great solution to the hardware/software incompatibility issues, and I want to finalize its implementation ASAP. Reach me via text if you have questions.
LW
I read the email for the seventh time, and for the seventh time I marvel that I was given credit for my idea. Goes to show how low the bar is for cis dudes in STEM, doesn’t it? Thank you, Oh Penised Overlords, for the recognition I deserve.
Not that I’m not grateful he introduced the idea, since I’m not sure his underlings would have taken it seriously if it came from me. Remember June 1903, when the Royal Institution invited Dr. Curie to give a lecture and then didn’t allow her to lecture because of her inferior lady brain? Pierre ended up speaking for her, even though she was sitting in the audience.
Anyway: the more things change, the more they stay the same. Sausage Referencing™ is still a thing, and sometimes I get angry at myself for the way I accept it.
Sometimes I get angry at myself for other things. Like the fact that I should be working, instead of checking my phone to see if Levi texted. Or the fact that I’m upset he hasn’t. Or the fact that suddenly I care to be updated about what he’s doing every second of every minute of every day.
It’s not my business, anyway. He has stuff to do. With his ex. Maybe if Tim hadn’t cheated on me for a number of years that cannot be counted on the fingers of one hand I wouldn’t think twice about this. But Levi’s lack of an explanation has me wondering whether he’s hiding something. Don’t get me wrong—I’m aware that our kiss meant nothing to him. So he had a crush on me in grad school? Big deal. It’s been six years. Lots of things changed dramatically in the past six years. The writing on Game of Thrones. The importance of hand sanitizer. My opinions on duck penises. But it was still a kiss. If Levi’s in a relationship with someone else... yikes. Is he Tim 2.0? No, he’s not that verminous. He wouldn’t. But aren’t all men the same?