“Oh, no.” I laugh. “He puts a lot of effort into not staring at me. It’s his CrossFit.”
“It’s the opposite. At least when you’re not looking.” I’m about to ask her if she’s high, but she shrugs. “Whatever. If you won’t support me in my hatred for Kaylee I have no choice but to call Alex and rage at him while I listen to Norwegian death metal.”
I pat her back. “Sounds like the loveliest of evenings.”
At home, I just want to stuff my face with peanut butter cups and send twelve @WhatWouldMarieDo tweets about the injustice of Sausage Referencing™, but I limit myself to checking my DMs. I smile when I find one from Shmac:
SHMAC: How are things?
MARIE: Weirdly, much better.
SHMAC: Did camel dick burst into flames?
MARIE: Lol, no. I do think he might be less of a camel dick than I thought. Still a dick, don’t get me wrong. But maybe not camel. Maybe he’s like, idk, a duck dick?
SHMAC: Have you ever seen a duck dick?
MARIE: No? But they’re small and cute, right?
I watch the wheel spin as the picture he sends me loads. I initially think it’s a corkscrew. Then I realize that it’s attached to a little feathered body and—
MARIE: OMG WHAT IS THAT ABOMINATION
SHMAC: Your colleague.
MARIE: I take it back! I un-demote him! He’s a camel dick again!
MARIE: How’s your girlfriend?
SHMAC: Yet again: I wish.
MARIE: How are things with her?
There’s a long pause after, in which I decide to act like the motivated adult that I’m not and put on running shorts and my Marie Curie & The Isotopes—European Tour 1911 T-shirt.
SHMAC: A mess.
MARIE: How come?
SHMAC: I fucked things up.
MARIE: Beyond repair?
SHMAC: I think so. There’s a lot of history here.
MARIE: Want to tell me?
The three dots at the base of the screen bounce for a while, so I check my Couch-to-5K app. Looks like today I need to run five minutes, walk one minute, and then run five more minutes. Sounds feasible.
Oh, who am I kidding? It sounds harrowing.
SHMAC: It’s complicated. Part of it is that I first met her when I was younger.
MARIE: Please don’t tell me you have a secret stemlord past.
SHMAC: I have an asshole past.
MARIE: How many ladies have you harassed on the internet?