‘Well, you shouldn’t be anxious, your mum has everything in hand,’ Josh said, gently patting her arm. ‘Honestly, stop stressing.’
‘Stop telling me I look stressed and pale and crap, Josh,’ she hissed angrily.
‘I didn’t say you looked crap.’ Josh visibly blanched at her words.
Audrey picked up her butter knife, squeezing it tight before ripping a hunk of bread in two and aggressively buttering it. ‘Sorry, sorry,’ she said, ‘I don’t know why I’m so on edge.’ She did know why. She knew exactly why.
Josh leaned over and put an arm around her.
‘It’s supposed to be fun, remember? It’s too late to change anything now anyway.’
Strangely, Audrey didn’t find these words reassuring. ‘Till death do us part’ suddenly felt like a really long time. It wasn’t like in medieval days where you got married and then one of you would cut a finger chopping turnips and die of sepsis soon after. Were the wonders of modern medicine making a lifelong commitment more daunting?
‘I know. You’re right, I’m being silly.’ Audrey tried to sound relaxed, to smile. The last thing she needed now was to be in a stupid fight with Josh, so she tried to stop having weird thoughts about sepsis and turnips, and to quell the small hysterical voice of panic beating furiously against the inside of her ribcage.
Once the main course had been cleared away, Lawrence, who was seated at the far end of the table between Vivien and Granny Parker, stood up and tapped his glass. He was wearing a dark grey suit, impeccably tailored to disguise his increasingly portly build. He always wore a silk pocket square, which he pulled out to clean the lenses of his narrow rimless glasses. He looked overdressed for the balmy June evening, his already ruddy complexion had grown redder with the wine, and his grey hair was damp with sweat.
Just as the room fell silent, Michael returned from the bar, pocketing his phone. He tried to slip unnoticed back into his chair, but the untouched plate of scampi and fries in front of him betrayed the length of his absence and elicited a sharp look from Debbie.
‘What’s the score, Dad?’ Josh whispered across the table.
‘A hundred and eighty-five all out,’ Michael whispered back, and then flushed guiltily.
‘Now, I know that tomorrow, the role of speech maker has, unconventionally, been given to the nanny,’ Lawrence boomed, nodding his head towards Hillary. ‘Our resident Gary Poppins.’ Hillary laughed politely, as he always did whenever Lawrence recycled this particular joke. ‘So, I thought I’d take this evening as an opportunity to make my own little stepfather-of-the-bride speech. Though I am aware that is a position held by half the male population of England.’ He nodded towards Brian, who sportingly lifted his glass.
‘We’ll have none of that,’ said Vivien firmly, then pointed a stern finger at Hillary. ‘We’ll have none of those comments tomorrow either, thank you, Hillary.’
‘Joking aside, as the current father figure in Audrey’s life, I’d like to say a few words on this auspicious evening, her last day as a maid.’
Audrey heard Clara cough into her wine glass from the opposite side of the table. She looked across at Paul, who was trying to make a hat out of his napkin. She noticed the way Miranda was laughing at him; she’d always found Paul’s silly antics amusing.
‘Now, I know you and Josh have been living together for a while now,’ Lawrence went on, ‘so I’m sure you don’t need me to explain the whys and wherefores of married life.’
He winked at them both. Audrey cringed. She wished he’d sit down. There was something acutely awkward about having a toast made about you, especially by someone who didn’t really know you. Josh reached an arm around her chair, kissing her shoulder lightly, just as she dared a glance down the table towards Fred. He was looking right at her. She dropped her eyes to her lap, the only safe place to look.
‘But as someone who’s been married twice, I do have a little wisdom to impart,’ Lawrence went on. ‘Marriage is a partnership, someone to share life’s challenges and celebrations with.’ He smiled down at Vivien, who looked uncharacteristically tense. ‘Someone who will love you on the boring days as well as the interesting ones, and ideally have legs as good as Vivien’s well into her sixties!’ Lawrence gave a hearty laugh and the others obliged with a polite titter. He lifted his glass in Audrey and Josh’s direction. ‘I have had the honour of watching Audrey and Josh’s relationship develop these last few years, and I can tell you, if anyone has what it takes to beat the divorce statistics it’s these two. And if I’m wrong, well, your mother has her divorce lawyer on speed dial, ha ha!’
Vivien’s face tightened. Hillary howled with laughter. Everyone else at the table made ‘politely amused’ sounds. Audrey saw a look pass between Vivien and Brian across the table and realised how awkward it must be for her mother, to have one of her ex-husbands here.
‘Now as many of you know, I spent a large part of my early diplomatic career out in Me-hi-co,’ Lawrence went on. Audrey cringed at his pronunciation of Mexico. He had a habit of pronouncing country names with an exaggerated local accent at twice the volume of the rest of his speech. ‘Wonderful work, charming people, and I was lucky enough to attend a wedding or two while I was there – perk of the job as a visiting dignitary. They have a tradition in Me-hi-co where they lasso the couple together in the church.’ At this, he bent down to fetch something from behind his chair, pulling out a long garland made from rope and flowers. ‘It’s supposed to symbolise unity. The lasso or “el lazo” is shaped into an infinity symbol, to signify how long the marriage will last.’ He held up the garland, twisting it into a figure of eight. ‘So, I thought this evening I would bind these two together.’
A buzz of approval and anticipation went around the room. Vivien blew Lawrence an over-enthusiastic kiss, then soundlessly clapped her hands together, soft as butterfly wings, before stealing a nervous glance back at Brian. Lawrence beckoned Audrey and Josh to make their way behind the chairs to come and stand beside him. The room was cramped; there was no room to move, but they obediently shuffled behind Debbie, Michael and Granny Parker, until they stood on either side of Lawrence’s chair at the top of the table. Audrey let out a breath, then worried it had sounded too much like a sigh or even a stifled yelp of pain. A waiter hovered near the door, ready to take everyone’s dessert orders, and Audrey could tell Debbie was worried that this unsanctioned lassoing ceremony might interrupt the pace of the next course.
Granny Parker held up her butter knife to Lawrence, tapping the inscription. ‘Stainless steel – also invented in Yorkshire.’
‘Excellent,’ he said, politely guiding Granny Parker’s knifed hand back towards the table. He picked up the garland in front of him. ‘I always thought I could have been a minister. It’s the Catholic in me. If either of you want to confess anything before tomorrow, get something off your chest, I’m all ears.’
Vivien laughed. Audrey clenched her teeth beneath her smile. She didn’t dare look at anyone else, so she kept her eyes on Josh. He moved a finger over his top teeth, then pointed, ever so subtly across at her. She frowned, then felt between her front teeth and removed the offending fleck of spinach. She cringed with embarrassment that everyone had seen this little back and forth between them.
‘I might say a few words, while we’re standing up here,’ said Josh, reaching out to take Audrey’s hands. ‘Many of you know the story of how we got together. If you’d told Audrey four years ago that she would end up marrying Bad Jeans Josh, I’m not sure she would have been thrilled by the prospect.’ Audrey smiled at this, and she heard Miranda’s laugh cut through all the other noise. ‘But from our very first date, part of me hoped one day we’d be here. Audrey makes me laugh every single day. She inspires me with how she sees the world, the universe, and she challenges me to be less uptight. She is always worrying about whether she’s a good person but honestly, Audrey, I’ve never known you to do anything worse than leave the flat in a mess. You’re one of life’s great people – from where I’m standing, the best person, and I can’t wait to marry you tomorrow.’
He leant in to kiss her, while everyone around the table cheered. Audrey tensed. His speech, though lovely and sincere, only reminded her of what Josh didn’t know. Would he still love her if he knew the unhappiness she had caused? She glanced across at her mother, whose eyes were intent on her wine glass. Perhaps it was Vivien who still knew her better than anyone.
Lawrence clapped to get everyone’s attention, clearly irked at having his lasso ceremony highjacked by an impromptu speech from the groom.
‘So, with the power vested in me by the Red Lion pub,’ Lawrence said, affecting a pompous voice, ‘it is my hope that you will be unified for eternity, in God’s love and protection.’
He reached up and put one half of the garland over Josh’s head. In the cramped room, and with the end of the table and Lawrence between them, Audrey and Josh had to shuffle forward so that Lawrence could lift the other end of the loop over Audrey’s head.