“How can that be true?” Despair pooled in the cool depths of her eyes. “From your own admission, you deceived me.” The tiny waver in her voice, that barely discernable hitch pulled the knots in his belly tight. “You used me. You made me fall for you, all to win a bloody wager?” She twisted the handkerchief in her fingers. Each accusation fell like a blow upon his shoulders. “I shared my body with you.” Tears shimmered in her eyes as horror lined her face. “I sinned with you because… because I thought you cared, that you would offer for me, wish to be with me for a lifetime.”
Bloody, bloody hell.
Emotions battered his insides—guilt, self-loathing, shame, regret—with the intent to harm, to beat a hole through his body, but he couldn’t let her see that her statement had gotten to him. “I’m so terribly sorry.” As with everything else he’d experienced in life, he shoved all of it deep inside, ignored it, for it would break him completely apart if he allowed even one feeling to escape. As he watched her, he curled one hand into a fist and then relaxed it. The ownership of the schooner slipped through his fingers but suddenly it wasn’t the most valuable loss he faced. “You must know how I care for you after these weeks we’ve spent together.”
That wasn’t what he’d meant to say, but the words he needed simply wouldn’t come.
She dabbed at the moisture on her cheeks. “How can I when everything you’ve done has been a lie?”
“Not everything.” Unable to remain parted from her, he closed the distance, needed to touch her to help convince her of his honesty. “Things changed for me that night at the ball, perhaps before that.” His jaw worked. How could he express all that his heart begged him to when he’d not been taught? “I no longer thought of the wager and what I’d win, for there was you and—”
“Stop!” She moved so quickly he wasn’t prepared. When her palm connected with his cheek, the slap resounded in the sudden quiet of the room. “Just stop.” Her eyes flashed blue fire. “You’re naught but a parasite, Brand, feeding off others’ feelings because you can’t—won’t—examine your own.”
His cheek stung from her slap and he welcomed that heat, for it meant he was still alive, and he had a chance to change her mind. “Now see here—”
She continued as if he hadn’t spoken. “You’re content to exist in that void where you feel nothing, where you care about nothing all due to the fact you are terrified of being hurt—of left.”
That was fair, but he had developed feelings above and beyond those he’d stuffed deep down inside him. “What you say is true to a point. However, once I met you, spent time with you, everything began to change.”
“Has it though?” The anger in her eyes faded. Profound sadness took its place. The longer she looked at him, the more her chin quivered. “How many times have I asked you personal questions and you answered them with the bare minimum of information? You’ve struggled in revealing anything too deep for fear people—or I—might see you as weak.”
“Yes, but—”
She shook her head. “You are afraid of going home and making things right with your brothers.”
“If you knew them, you would wish to stay away too.” A trace of annoyance threaded through the words. Who was she to tell him how to live his life?
When another few tears fell to her cheeks, he pressed a hand to his heart, for each one of those crystalline drops cut him deeply for the mere fact that he caused them. “You refuse to acknowledge all that you’ve seen in the war or how that makes you feel. You won’t let yourself mourn for the friends you’ve lost or even for the death of your father because deep down you’re afraid.”
“I’m not,” he whispered, but there was no conviction in behind the rebuttal.
A tiny sigh escaped her. She raised a hand, perhaps to cup his cheek, but then she apparently thought against it and put another few steps between them. “Perhaps you can’t feel emotions for you are incapable to taking anything seriously. I don’t know.” She pressed her lips together, and he died a thousand deaths as he stood there knowing that never again would he kiss that mouth or know the joy of being with her. “It’s readily obvious I know you not at all, and some of that is my fault. I was swept away with joy thinking you’d paid attention to me out of genuine attraction.” Her voice broke on that last word, and it shredded through his insides.
Say something, you nodcock!
Yet the words she needed, the words he wanted to utter stuck stubbornly to the tip of his tongue. He was paralyzed with fear, just as she’d said. If he said nothing, he couldn’t hear the words of rejection that he’d tried to avoid since he’d lost his eye, since he’d turned his back on his family. But if he didn’t do something, he’d lose her anyway. “Elizabeth I… I…” What was the point? She intended to leave, just as everyone he’d ever cared for in life did. He’d be a fool to show any sort of emotion or tie to her, for that would give her power over him.
“Oh, Brand. I thought just this once you might have truly changed.” The tears grew into sobs that washed away any hope that he had of reclaiming what they’d shared not twenty-four hours prior. Slowly, she shook her head. Her eyes were pools of infinite sadness while his heart began to shatter into a thousand shards. “Have a good life. I’m sure you’ll land on your feet and will have me replaced in a thrice.”
Those words sent icy fear into his chest and down his spine. “There can be no one else for me except you, Elizabeth,” he managed to choke out in a whisper. Please don’t go. Please show me patience. I’m trying to grow, but I need your help.
She laughed, but it wasn’t a mirthful sound. “That is exactly what a rake would say, a man who played with my emotions all to win a ship. A man who took what I gave him and didn’t care that it was a gift, never thought of me as something special.” Though she attempted to stifle another sob, it escaped her chest as a ragged wail full of despair.
“No! I didn’t… I mean, it wasn’t… After a time, I learned how to lo…” But when it came down to brass tacks, he was a coward, still afraid of being hurt, and he drew the last of his battered dignity about him as if it would protect a heart that had already been pierced. “I need time.”
“There is none.” The hurt, betrayal, and infinite grief in her eyes would haunt him for the rest of his days. “You’ve squandered it, and when you had the opportunity to show me you aren’t the horrid man I fear you are, you’ve remained mute because…” She broke into another round of tears, but then shook her head. “…because you’d rather be alone in your shallow life, never connecting with anyone. You’d rather remain in the prison of your own making while I return to mine.” She turned to leave so quickly her skirts flared.
Panic welled in Brand’s chest. The opportunity to win her was slipping away, but his mind was so clogged with the things he’d ignored over the years, he couldn’t think straight. “Please don’t go.” No! That’s not what I what to tell her!
“Why?” She glanced at him from over her shoulder. The light of hope shimmered in those luminous depths. “Is there a reason for me to stay?”
Say it, you fool!As his heartbeat pounded out a quick rhythm, he stared at her, the most valuable thing he’d ever found in the whole of his life, and yet the bloody words wouldn’t leave his throat. I need to weigh the risk against the reward. Taking a deep breath, Brand let it ease slowly out. He nodded, screwed his courage to the sticking point, and said, “I don’t want you to go, for I—”
The door flew open with enough force that it crashed against the wall. William stood on the threshold looking like a thundercloud with victory in his dark eyes. “I was told you’d be here, Elizabeth,” he said without preamble. He grabbed her upper arm, but his focus remained on him. “Come away from this vile place, and him.” As he pulled her toward the corridor beyond, she once more looked at Brand, longing and disappointment warring for dominance in her watery eyes. “I warned you about men of his ilk. Once we’re underway on the ship, I’ll appeal to the Lord to save your soul after its corruption from the detestable Captain Storme.”
Then they were gone, and he was indeed, alone.
For long moments, he stood there, staring at the place she’d occupied, mulling over her words in his head. His chest ached from the labor of holding back the emotions he’d denied himself over the years, to say nothing of the pain from the breaking in his heart. Nay, he no longer had such an organ, for she’d ripped it from his body and had taken it with her. Perhaps that was the reason for the sensation of hollowness inside him.