“It’s good and satisfying, of course, but it’s not where my heart lies,” she admitted in a small voice. “I’ve known that for a while now, even before I met Captain Storme, so don’t turn this around and say he’s pulled me away from those duties.”
“What do you wish to do instead?” William gazed at her as if she’d suddenly grown a second head. Apparently, he couldn’t think of a world beyond the church or converting folks with his brand of intimidation.
“At present, I’m not certain, but I’m confident the Lord will show me where I need to go.” Despite everything, she retained her faith that everything would come to light when and where it was always meant to. There was a certain peace in her soul about it.
“I see.” William drummed the fingers of one hand against the delicate china teacup, over and over and over. The rhythm would drive her mad before long. “You are my only family, Elizabeth, and I am yours. I might be many things, but I don’t want you hurt by the terrible choices you’re making.”
The last of her patience evaporated. She uttered an unladylike curse beneath her breath. “How do you know they’re terrible? Do you see me in peril or shame?”
“No, but—”
“How do you know this isn’t exactly where I need to be right now?” Her brother’s inability to keep an open mind or see a different viewpoint had a megrim looming behind her eyes.
“I don’t, but I honestly don’t believe God would want this for you.”
“Want what? To find happiness? To find confidence? To see what I can do for myself outside the shadow of the church? There are many opportunities to do good works beyond your narrow limitations.”
“The protectiveness, I think you mean,” he countered. “There is a reason why godly women are to remain hidden and obedient.” William whipped the linen serviette from his lap and threw it upon the table. “I don’t appreciate this new outspoken attitude you’ve acquired.”
“Oh, I expect not, for then I won’t remain the docile servant you’ve enjoyed for years.” A feeling of lightheadedness had come over her, quite like she thought being drunk might be. Oh, had she gone too far this time? She was beyond caring. “How is it that you, a self-proclaimed man of the cloth, can go about town wherever he wishes, yet I must cover myself and remain behind church walls or in this house? You have the freedom to visit the taverns for a drink or two, but if I wished to imbibe, that smacks of sinning.”
Now that the invisible filter over her mouth had broken, the words came out in a torrent, words she’d held back for years. “In fact, I’ve seen with my own eyes that you’ve tarried with women in the town square, accepted gifts from them, yet if I should go to a fair with a man, I’m thought of as little better than a harlot and need my soul prayed for. I’m weary of your prejudicial standards. Godly rules should apply to all or no one.”
“Enough!” William planted both palms on the table and leaned over it, staring her down. Elizabeth shrank into her chair. Guilt and fear twisted along her spine. For years she’d let her brother intimidate her, and the habit of letting him have his way for the sake of peace was a difficult habit to break. “If you wish to spread your wings and find your way outside of the tasks I’ve set before you, I take no offense and will welcome you back with open arms to forgive your streak of wayward independence once you’ve failed. However, I forbid you to keep company with the captain, for I won’t have you spreading your legs for him.”
The daring part of her brain ran away with the thought. Then it’s perfectly acceptable to let a different man make the beast with two backs? Hysterical laughter bubbled in her throat, but she quickly swallowed down the urge to release it. “How dare you.” She sprang to her feet so quickly that her straight-backed wooden chair toppled over with a satisfying crash. Heat filled her cheeks. Anger at her brother battled with the unrelenting need to be with Brand and find comfort in his arms. “I can—no, will—make my own decisions.”
“Not if you believe your path lies in playing doxy to a glorified fisherman who left the Navy in disgrace.”
“That’s not true.”
“Who can say, for much of what we hear is false.” Ire flashed in his eyes. “You will lock yourself in your room with no other occupation than reading your Bible and reflecting on what you’ve done.”
“I will not!” He was not her keeper, and neither was she a prisoner. Shock plowed into her so hard she took a few steps backward. That was exactly what the ennui she’d felt these past months was—feeling trapped and stuck, much like a prisoner, constantly under watchful, judgmental eyes and those who sought to subdue her spirit. “I realize it’s beyond your limited comprehension, but I have thoughts and dreams, William, and I mean to pursue them until I’ve found where it is that I belong.”
“None of those things will see you into heaven, and isn’t that our ultimate goal?”
“I thought it was to live a life filled with joy, and to shine the light of God from within so that we bear witness of something that others will want. Only then can we minister out of love.” She allowed a small smile, for she’d won the battle. “There is more than one way to lead others to salvation.”
He looked down his nose at her. “I have an appointment. When I return, I’m going to drag you to prayer meeting tonight and demand the elders lay hands on you. Obviously, this rebellion of yours stems from the presence of a demon. Once it’s expelled, you’ll return to the sister I knew before this week.” Without another word, he quit the room.
“Like hell I will.”
Oh, good heavens!Was cursing out loud supposed to feel so good? Elizabeth’s grin widened as she stared at his empty place at the table. Even as she shook from reaction and fear, anticipation buzzed down her spine. The fact that William violently opposed Captain Storme as a possible beau meant he must have some redeeming qualities. And there was no better way to discover if that were true than to find out for herself. If those kisses from the other day were any indication, the tumble into sin wouldn’t be so bad, especially if he would ask for her hand at the end. Had not their prior meetings been leading to exactly that?
Then everything would be right and tidy before God, and her new life would finally begin.
*
She waited afew hours after William’s departure before building the courage to leave the house herself. Dressed in the cheerful jonquil dress, bonnet and slippers from the other day, she quickly made her way through the town, stopping frequently to look over her shoulder in the event that her brother had her followed, until she reached Tavern Street. It was the same route she walked each evening with her brother for dinner at the Great White Horse Hotel, and since she hadn’t had word from Brand yet, this was where she’d start her search for him.
As she stared at the front façade of the historic building, a sense of calm enveloped her. She might not know how or why, but she was adamant that her future lay with Captain Storme. How she arrived at the end result didn’t matter as long as she did.
Or else I’m the most naïve goose of a woman Ipswich has ever seen.And if that were the case, it meant William was right. A shiver racked her shoulders. That couldn’t be allowed to happen, for as much a horrible loser he was, he was an even more obnoxious winner. He would hold her failure over her head for years regardless of whether she’d sought forgiveness for it. No. She gave her head a firm shake. This is my path; I’m certain of it. For good or for ill, I’m walking it and will have no regrets.
After taking a deep breath and letting it ease out from between her lips, Elizabeth entered the building. A corridor forked both left and right. She waved to the man behind the smooth, wooden counter that belonged to the hotel where guests received their rooms and keys, which is where the left branch would take her. But then she followed the right branching corridor. The rich scents of food and the buzz of conversation reached her. Trepidation circled through her belly like a snake, but that was only because this was her first time coming here alone. Once she’d pushed open a door at the end of the hall, she entered the common tap room.
Sturdy oak tables and straight-backed wooden chairs littered the floor. The dim interior and exposed beams along the ceiling gave the room a feeling of prior generations. No one paid her much attention, for which she was glad. A quick scan didn’t immediately bring the captain to light. Misgivings fired down her spine. Had she made a mistake? Perhaps he’d had a sailing commitment this afternoon.