The soft sounds of Jane’s weeping pulled at his chest. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
He shrugged. “It was another failure, and they were rapidly mounting since I’d met you. Why would I want another one to come to light? Eventually, you would look at me differently; you’d wish to rid yourself of me.”
“Oh, Finn.” She sniffed and wiped at her nose, leaving a streak of mud behind. “You haven’t failed me.”
“Really?” Finn snorted. “Not even during intimacy? Surely, you’ve noted the difference, the decided lack of what it should be.” Bitterness filled his statement. He closed his eyes against the creeping exhaustion, but the voices in his head had quieted somewhat.
“Both times we were together were amazing in their own right, because of you.”
“Thank you for that kindness, even if it is only pity.” He couldn’t keep the cynicism from his voice, for he refused to give into hope.
“Dear Lord, you are the most stubborn, aggravating man I’ve ever known!”
Her exclamation made him grin. She was glorious when annoyed with him. The edge of the emerald bit into his palm as he clutched it in his hand. “Also, I have stalled on my novel.” He snorted and popped open his eyes to contemplate the darkness overhead. Light rain fell upon his face, cooling his overheated skin—a great equalizer. It fell on everyone. At least that was something. “London doesn’t need another failed writer.”
“Why do you believe you’ve been unsuccessful in that? Creating a story takes time.”
“The damned heroine won’t do what I want. She’s too independent, too confident, too… she’s you, and I have no idea how to finish the tale.”
“Still looking at life through a negative mist.” A chuckle escaped her, the sound welcoming and inviting. “Don’t you think you owe it to yourself and me to finish that book then?”
“I don’t know.” At least that was the truth.
After a few moments of silence, she spoke again. “Why are you afraid, Finn? Why didn’t you tell me all this before? It’s hardly damning against you. Horrible things happen during war. That isn’t a crime, and it’s completely understandable.” She paused, once more finding his hand in the darkness. “Why haven’t you told me the truth, the one sitting on your heart even now?”
How did she know? Was he that easy to read? But then, she’d already confessed her feelings for him. Perhaps that allowed her to see past his insecurities and everything keeping him from her. “I didn’t wish to present you with the pile of my disasters and disappointments. I have nothing of consequence to my name to give you—”
“—Medals, ribbons, accommodations—”
“Bah!” He shook his head on the soft pillow of her hip. “They don’t matter if I’m confined to this chair.”
She huffed. “They are a part of you, earned on those faraway battlefields because you care, because you are brave, because you did what others refused to do.” Another sob escaped her. “Why can’t you realize you’re full of potential even now? That you’re good enough for me already? If you don’t, there is no hope for a future for you or between us.”
“I didn’t believe it before.” His breath was uneven as his pulse raced as the truth pummeled into him. “When I hit the water just now, I knew for a certainty that I didn’t wish to die. And I think…”
“Yes?” Her eyes glittered in the darkness.
“I think the bravest thing I can do in my life is continuing to live, when I wanted to die, for now I have purpose.” And he would have never seen that unless he’d met Jane.
“That is something I can agree with you upon.” She combed her fingers through his wet hair. “Life is before you, Finn. I’d like for you to remain in it to experience every marvel that’s waiting.”
“I’m beginning to want that too.” God, she was unbelievable, and he needed her like a starving man needed a scrap of bread. “While I struggle, how I proceed while fighting those demons I brought back from the war, I can help other men like me. That’s something to live for.”
“It’s quite gallant to be sure,” she was quick to agree. Her gaze twinkled in the dim light. “Is there perhaps another reason you’ve decided that living holds merit?”
The conversation he’d tried to avoid on the duke’s terrace hours ago had come due. Jane deserved honesty. She deserved to know the contents of his heart even if it would render him vulnerable to pain and possible rejection. “I would like the chance to pay my addresses to you. If that’s agreeable?”
“Finally!” She squeezed his fingers. “I would enjoy that very much.”
“As would I.” Had it been too easy? He’d expected emotional outbursts and accusations, but there was only her, accepting him for the man that he was, loving him… as she always had.
Her gaze met his. “I want to go home. I’m cold and wet.”
“That’s understandable.” He didn’t stir; neither did she.
“And I’d like for you to go home as well, make things right with your family. They love you, and in the last few weeks, you’ve given them a fright. Don’t discount how they care for you even if it’s not the way you assume they should.” She sniffed again. “We are all trying in the only way we know how.”
Heat smacked his cheeks. “I realize that too, and I promise I’ll talk with them. I do miss my brothers.” He held up the emerald ring. “What about this?”