Chapter Nineteen
The last person he wished to see right now was Jane. Several more pieces of his heart shattered as she crept closer. Since the nighttime world around him had been relatively silent, and a former military man didn’t forget how to train his ears for the slightest change in atmosphere, he’d caught bits and pieces of her conversation with his brother. She’d told Andrew off with an ease that spoke to previous contretemps with her own brothers and she’d braved the dark in order to reach him. Was there nothing she wouldn’t do? His chest tightened. It hurt to breathe, especially when he wanted her so much, he could barely function.
But she didn’t belong to him, and he had no right to think such things. Not anymore. “Go away, Jane.” He refused to look at her. “I’m sure you have a duke waiting for you, who most likely isn’t best pleased to have you running through the rain on my behalf.” The remainder of his heart squeezed painfully as he died a little more inside. “You’ll make a wonderful duchess.”
He wouldn’t be there to see it. Thank God.
“Finn—”
He shook his head. “However, before you follow him into marital bliss, let me say that the duke isn’t the man for you.” Finn held up a hand before she could protest. “I don’t feel he’ll support your endeavors at the clinic, and it would break what’s left of my heart if you didn’t have the chance to follow them.” There, at least he’d said his piece.
Not that it mattered.
“While I appreciate your confidence in my abilities and my path, we’ll never know what sort of duchess I’d be,” she said in a soft voice as she came abreast of his chair.
“Why?” He frowned and finally looked up at her. The silk of her gown clung to her figure thanks to the rain. At the last second, he stifled a groan of pure appreciation. Would that he had a future with her… or one time more with her.
“I turned Ballantrae down.” There was no dissembling in her tone nor in her expression. Concern wrinkled her smooth brow and pulled at the corners of her kissable lips.
“You’re having me on.” Finn shook his head even as a thread of optimism moved through his chest. It had to be a mistake. “No woman in her right mind would throw over a duke.”
She touched a hand to his shoulder. Finn started from the contact. “Then call me insane if you wish, for I did exactly that.”
“Whyever for?” He couldn’t understand her reasoning.
Even in the inky darkness, her eyes were soft and luminous, filled with emotion he couldn’t quite see let alone hope for. “Because I love you, you great lummox.”
“What?” Shock slammed into him. “I don’t believe you. No woman could ever love me as I am.”
“So you think.” Jane moved a hand to his hair, combing it with her fingers into a style she apparently preferred. He tamped down any reaction to her touch, for it was torture. “You are as vital to me as breathing, Finn, yet you’d throw that away because of the voices in your head.” She leaned close and fit her lips to his ear. “They lie. I never do. Even from the first, I’ve been forthright in everything I’ve said or done.”
He struggled against the conflicting emotions that threatened to tear him apart. It was always a fight, and one he wasn’t winning. “Those voices are quite loud at times. There is only one way to make them stop.”
“I can be louder.” She knelt by his chair despite the wet earth and the mud. When she sought his gaze, he shivered. “I’ll shout them down if you wish it.”
A tiny grin pulled at one corner of his mouth. “If only it were that easy.”
She laid a hand on his left knee. Of course, he couldn’t feel the touch, and he never would. “I know it’s not, and it probably will never be, but you have to keep fighting because this world would be a sad place without you in it.”
“I’m so tired, Jane.” He shook his head. “Of the voices, of the guilt I carry, of the animosity between me and my brothers, of the shame, of the knowing I’m not good enough.”
“Fight. For you. For me. Can’t you see how much good is waiting for you?” Her voice broke from emotion, and that tiny tremor stabbed through him like a knife. “Oh Finn, you are worth so much more than your darkness.”
He’d done that to her, made her cry, and that couldn’t happen again. Loving someone meant too much heartbreak and grief. I can’t bear to see her experience that. “No.” Finn shook his head. She was meant for happiness and sunshine, not what she’d reap with him. “I can’t be the man you want. Nothing good will come from that.”
A sob escaped her. “You’re the man I need. I’d choose you time and time again because you’re wonderful and a part of me I can never let go, a part of me that’s critical for my own growth.”
“But my past, what I’ve done… the ring…”
“None of it matters as long as I have you.”
Oh, God.Warmth rolled through his chest. He should tell her how he felt, that he loved her too, but the cacophony in his head grew louder. Do you really think she truly wants you? She’s lying, telling you what you want to hear so you won’t put an end to it all. Finn pressed his hands over his ears and rocked back and forth. Only in death will you know peace.
“How can what you say be true?” he managed to gasp out. “You left me like so much rubbish tonight.”
“What was my recourse? You’re keeping secrets from me! In that moment, I was hurt, my heart broken when I thought of you with another woman, marrying her.” Tears sparkled on her cheeks. “You refused to talk to me. I can’t help you if I don’t know how you’re hurting.” Frustration rang in her voice. She pressed closer until her face was near his. “Don’t shut me out, Finn.”
You couldn’t make your best friend’s girl happy. Why do you assume you can do the same for Jane? You, as half a man.