“I did say that,” she replied in a quiet voice. Confusion ran amok through her brain, but her heart hurt as if she’d betrayed Finn.
“Well, I’m pleased to hear it.” He beamed as he drew on his gloves. “To think my daughter might be a duchess!” His chuckle echoed in the room. “I’m glad you’ve come to your senses and have stopped chasing Major Storme. Knew you’d put duty ahead of all else.”
Jane merely looked at him, incapable of speech. What was she to do now?
“I’ll see you on the morrow,” her father went on, oblivious of her split attention. “You’ve made me proud.”
“Shouldn’t you be pleased with any man I’ve taken a liking to, especially if he’s won my heart?” she whispered, but her father had already gone. An ache formed over her temples. Jane rubbed her fingers over the spots. Perhaps a megrim would send her to bed for a week, thereby causing her to miss the ball altogether. But that would also mean she wouldn’t have a chance to see Finn.
No sooner than she’d sunk into maudlin thoughts did the butler return. “My lady, Miss Spencer is here to see you. Shall I show her in here?”
Oh, dear heavens, would she never know a moment’s peace today?
Jane stifled a groan and sat up straight in the chair. “That’s fine. Thank you, Boswell.” Perhaps talking to Fanny would help clear her mind and make her feel better about the choice she needed to make. When her friend came into the room, her face wreathed in a smile, and the jonquil color of her gown filling the space with cheerfulness, Jane sprang from her chair. “Fanny!” She rushed over the floor to give the other woman a tight hug. “It’s been an age.”
“I meant to call sooner, but life has a way of finding other things to fill our time.”
“You have no idea,” Jane murmured. She pulled Fanny over to a low sofa and tugged her down as she sat. “Why are you so happy?”
“I saw the Duke of Ballantrae leaving as I approached your house.” Her eyes widened. “Has he declared himself?”
“Not exactly, but I’m certain it’s coming.”
“Why does that make you look as if your favorite dog died?” Fanny frowned. “The duke will be this Season’s greatest catch.”
Why should she settle for a catch when she could have a gentle hero with a heart of gold, complete with tarnished armor?
“Fanny, I need your advice.” She took in a deep breath and then let it out slowly. “I’m so confused.” With another sigh, she began. “Ballantrae is charming, is perfection like a Greek god, and has an impressive title to be sure.”
“Of course!” Her friend nodded. “Go on.”
“He wants to pay his addresses, wants even more to pursue an engagement. My father has already endorsed the match.”
“But?”
Jane bit her bottom lip. “I have no feelings for him.”
Fanny snorted. “No doubt they’ll come in time.”
“What if they don’t?” A lifetime of years stretched before her in her mind, and the best she could summon for the duke was respect, perhaps admiration, and if they were fortunate, a certain affection. But would it change into love?
Her friend shrugged. “You’ll have the freedom to look elsewhere for that.”
As if she could separate the needs of her heart from the needs of her body or mind. “Or shall I pursue the heat and fun that is between Major Storme and me? He’s not shown evidence of wishing for a match, but I have feelings for him that can easily slip past infatuation with very little encouragement.”
“What?” Fanny’s dark eyebrows rose. “Have you been seeing the major this whole time?”
Heat slapped at Jane’s cheeks. “Yes.” Quickly, she detailed a few of their outings but left out the evening at the musicale when she and Finn explored intimacy. “I even met his mother a couple of days ago. She’s a lovely woman and wants the best for her sons.” She shrugged. “I think the countess is worried about the major.”
“Understandable. He can’t look after himself.” Fanny patted her hand, even though Jane sputtered with annoyance at the flash judgment. “Can the major act as a man should… in that way?” She titled her head to one side. “What about children should you want them? If he is unable to father them…”
It was on the tip of her tongue to reveal all to Fanny, but it felt too personal, something that only she and Finn had shared, and she wanted to horde that treasure to her heart. “Does it matter? Why can I not only want Finn? Why must I weigh things like physical intimacy and the possibility of children against what I feel for him?”
“In a perfect world, feelings and love would be enough.” Fanny’s expression was the most serious Jane had ever seen it. “However, you and I, as well as the major, exist within the ton. Nothing is perfect, and there is a reason for everything. It’s how we were raised, how our parents were raised, and their parents before us. Women aren’t afforded the choice of free will most times. We marry for position and for duty, to further a man’s bloodlines and name, to play at being a pretty hostess in a glittering house, for that’s what we’ve been bred to do.”
The headache grew with intensity. “What if I wish for more? To do more? Be more than society dictates I should be?” Cold dread and panic twisted up her spine to fill her chest. “To find my own path that wasn’t laid out by my father?”
“Then you’ll end up disappointing everyone around you, including yourself if you are honest.” Fanny’s frank summation didn’t improve her outlook.