He snorted. “Do not forget we are all scheduled to attend said event.” The muscles in his arms tensed. “No doubt your father will want you to do the pretty with the duke. Once more I’ll lose you, and this time not from difficulties of my own making. If Worchester discovers you’re wasting time with me—”
“Do hush.” Jane listened with half an ear as she played with the heart pendant, sliding it up and down the golden chain. Grandmother’s words rang in her ears. Was Finn worth incurring her father’s ire? Would a life with the major fulfil her, give her everything she’d ever dreamed of even if they couldn’t enjoy a typical, physical relationship? If he couldn’t give her children? “I shall handle my father in good time.”
“Yet you didn’t deny you’d spent time with Ballantrae,” he said in a small voice.
“I cannot give him the cut direct without cause.” Thoughts and “what-ifs” spun through her mind like couples at a waltz. Did having offspring or not make her better or worse than others of her rank? Would it hurt her father terribly if she didn’t reproduce due to Finn’s injury? If by some miracle, she wed him? “You frightened me that night, Finn,” she admitted in a hushed tone. “I was nearly in the depths of despair when you ordered me away.” Would he always fight with his demons and be rendered unstable? What sort of a future was that?
“You would have come out right in the end.” He twirled a lock of her hair about his finger where it curled naturally. “You have the duke, after all.”
Did it make a difference that she didn’t want the duke? “What folderal you speak. Ballantrae doesn’t compare to you.” Yet, was she a fool if she didn’t make the right choice, the safe choice, the logical choice?
The expected choice?
“I’m broken, Jane.” He cupped her cheek, tilted her head until their gazes met. “Best you learn this now, even though you tarry with me and hope there might be a future between us.” He shrugged. “I can see it in your eyes, fairly hear you thinking over what you should do.”
It was uncanny how well he knew her. “We’re all broken to some extent.” She worried her bottom lip with her teeth. “That doesn’t mean our pieces aren’t beautiful in the mess they make when glittering upon the floor.”
He caught her earlobe between his lips and teased it with the tip of his tongue. “You’re relentless, my lady.”
“No, I’m determined to live on my terms instead of someone else’s.” She shivered from his attentions. Any moment someone could come upon them from the house, or a neighbor could step out on their own terrace and witness the scandal they flirted with.
“Why?”
“I wish to be with you in whatever capacity you’ll allow. If that is only friendship, then so be it.” Did that make her sound desperate? She rather thought it did.
“That sort of thinking is dangerous.” Finn slipped a hand beneath her hair and stroked his fingers along her nape.
Butterflies pirouetted through her belly. “Why, because I might pull you with me into a different way of thinking?”
A small grin curved his lips, and she stared at his mouth, wanting, desiring, needing his kiss to assure her everything would indeed come out right. “I might pull you backward instead.”
“Then you’ll have company in the darkness, and isn’t that better than nothing?” Her hand trembled as she fiddled with his cravat. Something kept niggling at her mind. Apparently, she wasn’t finished talking about his near brush with death. “When I heard the news, I was hurt.”
“Why?” He tangled his fingers in her hair and tilted her head backward.
“I felt I wasn’t enough to keep you in this world, that I didn’t do enough for you.” Despite her vow not to cry in front of him again, a sob escaped, as did a few tears. “My brothers wouldn’t let me come see you, thought it would be detrimental for us both in the event you suffered a relapse and finished…”
“You care for me that much?” He released her hair and caught one of the tears on her cheek with his thumb.
“Of course, you great lummox.” Jane playfully smacked his arm. She sniffed. “Can’t you see that?”
“I… It’s never occurred to me before that a woman would.” Wonder lingered in his voice.
“Perhaps you should start thinking along those lines.” She scratched at her head. Finn batted her hand away. With an unintelligible murmur, he massaged her scalp, his fingers as talented in that task as when they’d last been together.
“Mmm.” Sensations of soothing pleasure shivered through her. She shuddered from the decadence… of the remembrance. “Many people care for you, but you’ve convinced yourself they don’t. I’m going to show you that you’re wrong, regarding everything.”
“But—”
“No restrictions, excuses or requirements.” She couldn’t concentrate on her words; his hands wove too much magic. “The man you are is amazing, even if you don’t believe me. I only wish for you to be happy.” In the grand scheme, perhaps physical intimacy wasn’t important. His healing was.
For a long time, they sat in silence. Eventually, he ceased his ministrations, and she laid her head on his shoulder. The cheerful chirps and squeaks of birds in the trees filled the air. A summer breeze wafted through the garden, stirring leaves, branches, and ornamental grasses.
Eventually, he spoke, and his voice rumbled through her chest. “Tell me something about yourself no one else knows.”
A soft smile curved her lips. “I’m terrified of the dark.”
“What’s this? But you’re fearless and confident.” Admiration rang in his tones.