Chapter Seven
Everything she’d ever said had managed to surprise him. Why did he think this would be any different? Finn shot her a glance as shock and interest took up residence within his chest. Thank goodness for his well-trained bay mares who knew the trip to Hyde Park as well as they knew the mews behind the townhouse.
“Yes, well, some of the experiences I’ve had haunt me to this day.” He glanced at her while her attention centered on the street ahead. The sky-blue dress she’d chosen complimented her ivory complexion and brought out a richness to her emerald eyes. Her russet hair gleamed in the sunshine beneath a pretty little bonnet, and that same hair streamed through his dreams, for he thought of her when the nightmares didn’t beset him. She was easily the finest damned sight he’d laid eyes on in a long time.
“Do you often think about the war?” A matching reticule swung from her wrist when she lifted her left hand and waved to an apparent acquaintance strolling the pavement.
Surreptitiously, he peered past her to look at the person she’d acknowledged. A sigh of relief shuddered through him to see that it wasn’t a male. “More than I’d like while awake, but when I’m sleeping, I’m powerless against the nightmares that comes with alarming regularity.”
“Trey has them too.”
He frowned as jealousy stabbed through him. “Who is Trey?”
“Oh, he’s my second brother. It’s short for Trenton.” She met his gaze with a cheerful smile. “When he returned from the war—a few years ahead of you—he did so missing his left arm. Cannon fire caught him and blew it clean off.” Compassion clouded her eyes. “He dreams of that time, and when he lived under our father’s roof, I used to hear him cry out at night. It was horrible knowing I couldn’t help him.”
“Yes, rarely is there opportunity for a cessation of the nightmares.” He swallowed down the wad of tears lodged in his suddenly tight throat. “They’re quite real, I can assure you.” Even now, talking about what he struggled with, the muscles in his arms went taut and he swore he heard the reports of cannon fire ring in his ears.
Oh, God, please don’t let me have a nightmare in front of her.
“What do you do when they come?” Jane’s eyes were wide, and she’d once more laid a hand on his arm.
Finn rather liked the warmth and the support she imparted. “Suffer through,” he admitted in a low voice. “Hope I survive them without becoming lost.” His breathing became a touch ragged. “It’s as if I’m doomed to live the war twice… or hundreds of times.” He shook his head. “On the nights when they’re unbearable or I can’t sleep due to the dark thoughts that plague me, that tell me I’m not good enough, or whole enough to remain alive, I take a dose of laudanum.”
“Does it help?”
“When I take the drug, I don’t dream at all, but it’s a double-edged sword, for if I rely on it too much, I’ll become addicted. That will bring a new host of problems.” And then what would she think of him?
“I’ve heard that, and sometimes, the men who arrive at the clinic are addicts who can’t break the hold of the opium.” She tightened her fingers on his arm. “War is a terrible, tenacious monster that sinks its repercussions onto everyone years later like the most horrible sharp teeth.”
“That’s a fair representation.” Perhaps he wasn’t the only one with a gift for words. That brought a certain satisfaction he hadn’t known before. Imagine having a partner in life who could assist him with drafting books or even offering support when he needed it.
Which brought another, more interesting thought. What, exactly, did he want from this woman beyond the tentative friendship they enjoyed presently?
“See, though? That solidifies my point. If you make a conscientious effort to look on the bright side, perhaps it would help with the nightmares.”
Despite her good intentions and the genuine smile that curved her kissable lips, he shook his head in disgust. “Can’t you understand that depression can’t be swept away merely from thinking of happier times? I can’t magically snap my fingers and smile, for the darkness I battle with won’t shy away from that.” A decided growl had set up in his voice, but he didn’t care. She must be made to see where he came from. His fingers tightened on the reins. One of the horses tossed her head, and he slowly relaxed. “I know you’re an intelligent woman. That’s why it upsets me you’re being so flippant about this.”
Jane sucked in a breath. “Once again, I didn’t mean to offend.” When she turned her head to look at him, a wash of tears made those gorgeous eyes luminous. “This is the only way I know to help.” She pressed her lips together. “No one, except you, has ever taken exception to it.”
Why would they when she presented such a tempting and wholly mouth-watering picture? One look at the curve of her hips or bosom and men wouldn’t care what she said. “I’m trying to tell you the truth before you meet someone who won’t be as nice about it as I am.”
“Truth?” She huffed and crossed her arms beneath her ample breasts, pushing those globes tight against the rounded bodice of her dress. “I’ve had quite enough of that today. Thank you.”
What the devil did that mean? He certainly didn’t know, and she’d gone silent.
After another lingering peek at her decolletage, he focused on the street. They would soon enter Hyde Park, and since it was such a fine day, anyone worth knowing in London would be out to promenade. But by God, what sort of man was he to sit beside this woman and not pull the phaeton into a private alley and then ravish the hell out of her?
I’m not a whole man, that’s why.
Silence had sprung between them as the carriage passed through one of the more popular entrance gates of the park.
Jane played with the strings on her reticule. “What is the best way to help people like you? I’m always interested in learning.”
At least she was willing. “You can listen to us, really listen, and though you haven’t gone through the same circumstances, sitting with us in the quiet is a form of support that’s sorely needed.” He shrugged. “Some of us will want to talk; some won’t, but it’s not your duty to judge how we’re healing.” When she nodded but said nothing, he gathered the reins into his right hand and took one of hers in the other. “Above all, never stop shining your sunshine. When men like me aren’t locked in nightmares or playing at being grumpy bridge trolls, we appreciate it.”
“That is good to know.”
It was as if the sun had gone behind the clouds, for she didn’t smile at him again. Finn racked his brain for a way to bring back her natural happiness. “Did you want to hear about the battles I’ve been in?” If he stayed at society functions too late, the conversation usually came around to battles.