Don’t you think I already know that?Black spots appeared at the corners of his vision and he held onto the sofa back like a lifeline. “Bugger off.” He had to leave, run, get away before he embarrassed himself with weakness.
“You first, bastard.”
Their mother wept. Each tear she shed added fury to the storm battering his body. She threw out a hand to Drew and laid the other on Finn’s shoulder. “I never wanted you at odds. I thought after everything you’d mend fences.” The disappointment in her face nearly sent him to his knees. “For your father’s memory.”
I’m failing at everything, and I don’t know how to fix it.
“I don’t know if we can,” Drew whispered. It was the only truth he could utter at the moment. “Too much has happened, too much time has passed.”
His mother wiped at her cheeks. “If you’d find a woman to stand at your side and help you with the title like I did your father, you’d see things differently. You were never meant to bear the burden alone.”
“Ha!” He shook his head, but that didn’t alleviate the sense of being broken apart. “But I have been alone these past two years, haven’t I?” His mother had dealt with her own grief and had been often out of pocket, while his brothers had the war to worry about. There’d been no one to counsel him; no one to turn to for comfort.
“Well, Mother, it’s no wonder he hasn’t married at his advanced age,” Finn said, further needling him. He narrowed his eyes and stared at Drew. “You’re too much of a prick for a woman to stomach.”
Drew let himself free-fall into the flames licking at his soul, for he was beyond rational thought. “At least I can please a woman with my prick.”
Their mother gasped as Finn went pale and withdrew into himself, shrinking against the chair’s back. “For God’s sake, Andrew.”
That wasn’t well done of him at all. “I apologize.”
Finn’s lips were white as he held Drew’s gaze. “You wouldn’t have said it if it wasn’t true. Thank you for reminding me of what I’ve become and what my new place is.”
The fiber of their family was rapidly deteriorating—because of him. The darkness at the edges of his vision intensified. Anxiety came at him like a beast with gaping, tooth-filled jaws. He needed the privacy of his rooms before he broke down. “Perhaps it would be best if I retire to the Derbyshire estate.” If he weren’t here, he couldn’t do more damage.
And neither could they.
“If that’s what you wish.” Finn waved a hand. “Regardless, I will have made other arrangements by your return. Now, if you’ll excuse me?” He wheeled himself out the door. His calls for a footman echoed back into the drawing room.
“How dare you, Andrew.” His mother rounded on him. “If you leave, be certain you come back to London a better man.” Lines framed her mouth and tears glistened in her eyes. “Not for us, but for you. I won’t let another of my sons become broken.”
I broke the day Father died.
When he didn’t answer, she said softly, “I shall write to William.”
“Obviously, if you don’t have faith me, then by all means, do what you must.” It took the remainder of his willpower to fight off the urge to give into tears. “And so will I.” Then he quit the room without a backward glance.