He held his breath, waiting for her to tell him how scary it was for him to attack her like that.
“Eye-opening,” she finally said. “I knew you weren’t sleeping well. I never thought it took so much out of you, physically and emotionally. I mean, I could see the fatigue and that you were reluctant to talk about the nightmares, but...”
“Who cares about any of that? I hurt you. I put my hand around your arm and shook you. You begged me to let you go and I didn’t.”
She leaned close to him. “Who cares? I care,” sheshouted at him. Her gaze softened on him. “I care that you’re hurting, Chase.”
He knew that, but he didn’t want to worry her. He didn’t want to burden her with his problems. He wanted to make her feel the way she made him feel.
She gave him a half frown and shook her head. “And I didn’t beg. And you did let me go when you woke up and realized you were hurting me. And then you held on to me in the sweetest way, like your life depended on it.”
Because it felt like it did, and it might be the last time he ever got the chance to do it. “You can’t dismiss this. You can’t make an excuse that I was dreaming and didn’t know what I was doing. It’s unacceptable no matter what the circumstances.” He was not that guy. He didn’t hurt women. He never wanted to hurt her.
“Fine.” She threw up her hands and let them drop into her lap. “Don’t do it again. Okay? Okay. Now let it go, because I’m fine, and you will be, too.”
He softly brushed his thumb against her arm where he still held it. “I’m not fine.Thisis not fine.”
“So that’s it. I’m supposed to walk out the door and leave you here beating yourself up for something you didn’t even know you were doing. You’ve said you’re sorry. I accept the apology. I know you’d never hurt me on purpose. Isn’t that enough? Can’t that be okay? Can’t you just kiss me good morning and tell me that you liked having me with you last night? Can’t you be the one person who wants to hold on to me instead of dismissing me and pushing me away?”
That sad statement hit him right in the heart.
He heard the tears in her voice before the first one spilled down her cheek, and she stood and tried to walk away. He moved his hand to hers and pulled her backto him, wrapped his other arm around her middle, and drew her between his legs and right into his chest. He wrapped her up close and pressed his cheek to her ribs. “I didn’t just like having you here with me last night. I fucking loved it.” She had to know how much he wanted her. How much he cared. But how could she, really, when no one in her life ever loved her the way she deserved to be loved? He’d only shown her that one night. She needed more from him to believe that he wasn’t like the rest of them.
“If I had it my way, you’d be here every day. Every night. Every second I could get with you. Knowing you were in that bed last night, a breath away from me and the darkness that descends in my mind... I knew if anything could, you’d pull me out of it. You made me feel safe and...” He didn’t have the words to tell her he hadn’t felt that way in longer than he could remember.
She wrapped her arms around his head and held him close. “You made me feel wanted and needed.”
Everyone wanted to feel that way. But no one else ever made her feel that way. Not her mother, who tried to kill her rather than find a way to love her, because of how she was conceived. Not her grandparents, who only saw her as a reminder of tragedy and loss.
She’d practically been alone her whole life.
He knew how that felt.
He also knew how it felt to be Shelby’s everything, like he’d been the night they shared so long ago.
He wanted that back. Desperately.
And she needed to know that.
“I want you with every breath I take. I need you with every beat of my heart.” He stared up at her. “But I cannot stand that I hurt you.”
She swung her leg over his and sat on his thigh, bringing them closer together and her face inches from his. “Yes, it hurt,” she admitted. “And I ache for you right now.” She slid even closer to him, her thigh nudged up against his dick and balls, her center softly rocking against his leg. “Are you going to apologize for that, too?”
He gripped her hips and helped her rock against him again. “I can make that feel better.”
“Just like the brush of your fingers made my arm feel better. Just like your heartfelt apology and how desperately you want to erase what happened makes me feel better. You truly care about me, Chase. That’s what matters.” She sighed when he rocked her hips against him again. She nudged her thigh up against his thickening cock to let him know she felt that, too.
“I don’t want you to go. I don’t want to lose you.” To prove it, he held her hips a bit tighter.
“Then stop pushing me away. I’m not going anywhere.”
He admitted a truth he hated. “I keep giving you reasons to leave.”
“You also keep working on being the man I need and the father Eliza deserves. If you take credit for all the bad, then own the fact you’ve worked really hard to make up for it. You were doing so well at the end of rehab. I heard it in your voice and how optimistic you were about coming home and starting fresh. The thing with Juliana, it set you back, but it doesn’t have to derail you. I think you need to talk about her and why her death impacted you so deeply.”
“I couldn’t save her.” He couldn’t save any of the ones who died fighting beside him.
“You nearly lost your life trying, Chase.” She wrapped her arms around his neck and held him so tightly he wasn’t sure she’d ever let him go. “I don’t want to lose you.” The softly whispered words hit him right in the heart again and made it expand in his chest.