“Why the fuck do you care what I do? I thought you washed your hands of me long ago. But you keep showing up, pushing.”
“Because it’s what Mom would have wanted me to do.” A world of pain and loss filled those angry words.
Chase shook his head. “I’m going to tell you the same thing I told Dad. I did not kill her. The cancer did. Yes, when she was ready to end her life, I took her away,so she could do that on her terms.” And it hurt Chase just as much as it hurt the rest of them. “She died the way she wanted to die. You and Max and Dad . . . You wouldn’t let her go.”
“We wanted her to fight.”
Chase sighed. “That is so easy to say and so difficult to do sometimes. You have no idea how hard it is to keep fighting against something that wins every damn time.” Chase held back the nightmares filling his mind with thoughts of Eliza. But it didn’t always work. Eventually, the nightmares always won and eviscerated everything good in his mind, heart, and life. They left him with guilt and shame and anger and terror. Then the grief set in and swallowed him whole.
Hunt’s lips went flat. “She could have come to me and told me she was done.”
“She told all of us she was done. You, Dad, and Max just didn’t want to hear it. You didn’t want it to be real. Neither did I. Could she have lasted longer? Sure. But what kind of end would that have been for her, enduring all that pain just so we had a few more days or weeks, while she was miserable? She wanted one last adventure, to see something she’d never seen in person, so I gave that to her because it was whatshewanted.”
Hunt glared. “Yeah, and you got to be with her when she died and none of us did.”
Chase had never spoken to any of them about what happened with their mom. Not in any detail. They only ever wanted to rage at him for taking her away. They never wanted to know what really happened. But Chase confessed, “I wasn’t there either.”
Mom left this world without them by her side but always in her heart.
That’s the only thing that gave him comfort, and something Hunt would never understand.
Hunt swore. “You’re an even bigger asshole than I thought.”
His mother’s death was the one thing that didn’t haunt him. He didn’t care what Hunt thought about it. He’d done the right thing. He’d done what she’d wanted. And when she called him that last hour and told him how proud she was of him for doing the hard thing, he’d stayed on the line with her until she breathed her last breath and he’d given her the only words she’d wanted to hear from him,I love you, because that’s all that mattered.
She wouldn’t be proud of what he’d done to himself these last many months, but she’d understand his pain and how he’d fought to get through it but finally gave up the fight to find some peace. Though in his case, that precious oblivion he sought never lasted long and came with a ton of consequences.
“I found her a hospice with a beach view. She sat on the terrace, listening to the ocean, and called each of us. First you, then Max, then Dad. She didn’t want us to watch her die. She wanted us to remember how she lived and loved us. You got the goodbye. You had a chance to tell her you loved her. And while I was the only one on the phone with her as she passed, in her heart, we were all with her, Hunt. I get that you’re angry, but it’s not really at me. You want her back just as much as I do, and she’s not coming back, and that hurts like hell.”
There were too many people in his life he’d lost.
“I’m sorry, Hunt. I really am. Now I have someplace I need to be.” He had someone who wanted his time and attention.
Chase climbed into his truck and left Hunt in his driveway. The drive gave him too much time to think about Hunt, their mom, his chat with his dad, and what came next. It amped up his anxiety.
Shelby wasn’t expecting him per se, though he hoped they could do the dinner and bedtime thing again tonight.
He parked in front of her place in town. The cottage-style two-bedroom, two-bath house sat on a half-acre lot. It had belonged to Shelby’s grandparents before they passed. Shelby had been raised by them after her mom died. All other questions about her family went unanswered. She had a way of changing the subject every time he brought up her past.
She knew practically everything about his.
He wanted to know everything about hers.
He understood how losing your family would make you afraid of losing even more people in your life.
He thought of the night he met Shelby. She’d seemed lonely then. Not as much now because she had Eliza. But still, he sometimes caught glimpses of it in her eyes.
Chase got out of the truck and headed for the path up to the house, but stopped when he spotted her neighbor taking out the trash. Chase smiled, remembering how he’d felt a spurt of jealousy when Shelby talked about her neighbor helping her out. He didn’t think he needed to worry about the seventysomething guy next door, and that was a relief.
He knocked on the door.
Shelby opened it and gave him a warm smile that turned to a concerned frown. “Did you sleep at all last night?”
“Some.” He vowed not to lie to her. Ever. It was the only way he knew how to make her trust him again. “Rough nights are normal for me now.”
She stepped back. “Come in. You’re just in time for dinner. Eliza is in her high chair.”
Chase walked in the door to the welcoming scent of spaghetti sauce and garlic bread. “Are you sure?”