CHAPTER 23
Two more weeks.
Ethan stared at the paperwork he’d gotten from the doctor the day before. He’d been home from the hospital for two weeks and he wasn’t cleared to return to duty for another two weeks. It was also “strongly suggested” that he start seeing a grief counselor.
He would do it, just like he’d gone to see a therapist after he lost his dad, but he doubted it was going to go any better now than it had then. His therapist, or he should say therapists, plural, had tried so many different ways to get Ethan to open up. To express himself. To communicate what he was feeling. None of it worked. But Nana had insisted that he keep going. Then, his junior year of high school, she’d finally let him stop because he played two sports, had a part-time job, and he’d told her that it was too much and he needed to maintain his 4.0 GPA.
It was one of the only times he’d lied to his grandmother. With the exception of his fake relationship with Jess. But he didn’t count that because it was real to him.
“Hello!”
Speaking of Nana…
“I’m in here.”
His grandma was here for her daily visit and he knew that he needed to man up and have the conversation that he’d been putting off having. He’d been spending a lot of time trying to figure out how to break it to the woman that raised him that he and Jess weren’t going to make it, but he still hadn’t come up with the right words to say. Maybe the problem was that he needed to find the right words to say to Jess first. He’d tried to tell her but she insisted that if they broke up the town would turn on her and she’d lose business.
Ethan wasn’t sure if he believed that was true or not, or if he was just going along with that story because that meant he would still see her. But either way, it was time to end it. He couldn’t let things keep going the way they were now that he knew they didn’t, they couldn’t have a future, no matter how much he wished they could.
For the past couple of weeks he’d been allowing himself the luxury of spending time with Jess, but the more time they spent together, the harder it was going to be to do what he knew he had to do.
She’d told him that she loved him on the car ride home from the hospital. It had shocked him but he’d told himself that she just meant as a friend. But then something happened last night. They were binge-watching the American version of The Office and she fell asleep, curled up beside him. He’d stared at her. She was sleeping so peacefully. Something about the moment made him tell her that he loved her. He had to say the words out loud to her, just once, even if she was unaware. He had to.
Then, a few hours later, when it was close to midnight, he’d gently coaxed her awake. Her eyelids fluttered and when she saw him hovering above her she’d whispered, “Ethan,” before her lips curled up in a smile so sweet and vulnerable it had caused his chest to ache. Her grin grew larger and she whispered, “I love you, too,” and he froze.
It had been hours since he’d said those words. Had she heard him? Had she been awake? While his mind panicked, Jess’s eyes opened wide and she sat up abruptly. She looked around as if trying to get her bearings. It was then that he realized that she hadn’t been fully awake.
When she saw the time she asked if he needed anything before she left and when he said no, she said a quick goodbye and hurried out the door.
He’d told her that he loved her, and meant it. She’d told him that she loved him and he was pretty sure she’d meant it, too. It was past time to end this.
Nana breezed into the living room wearing a cheetah print shirt paired with lime green pants. If he hadn’t had his coffee already, those pants would’ve woke him right up.
“You need some light in here.” She proceeded to walk around to each window and open the blinds.
Light was Nana’s answer to everything. If he was being moody as a teen it was because there wasn’t enough light in his room. If he was feeling under the weather it was because the house was too dark. If he was tired it was because he hadn’t been getting enough sunshine.
Ethan winced as bright sunlight streamed into the room and he did his best to avoid looking directly at the lime green pants.
“There, that’s better!” she enthused.
Better for who?he wondered.
“How are you feeling today?” She leaned down and kissed his cheek.
“I’m fine.”
“Fine,” she spoke at the same time he did. “Fine. Just like you were yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that.”
He could see that Nana’s frustration with him was increasing each time he saw her, which was every day. He wasn’t sure if she and Jess had worked out an official babysitting schedule, but his grandma came by around seven in the morning and stayed until three or four, and Jess showed up within ten minutes of her leaving and stayed until close to midnight every night. It was too well-choreographed not to be done intentionally, even though they both denied it. He’d told them both several times that he didn’t need anyone here with him and he was fine on his own.
His Nana turned the television on so she could watch her beloved GMA and he zoned out. There was some big news story that had broken about a politician that had some organized crime ties. Ethan had seen a segment on it on E!, Access Hollywood, and TMZ. He figured it was getting so much coverage attention because the guy looked like a cross between Jon Hamm and George Clooney. If he looked like Paul Giamatti, he doubted it would be on the entertainment news outlets.
At the first commercial, she shifted so that she was facing him, her mood turning serious. “I saw Lori yesterday. She’s decided to take the kids and go back to California to be closer to her parents.”
His entire body tensed at the mention of his partner’s wife and kids. He hadn’t seen them since the memorial service, but he checked in on her every day through text. She was sad, of course, but she was holding it together. She actually seemed to be doing a lot better than he was.
“I asked how she was doing, and you know what she told me?”