“Yeah, that’s where I’ve been. I was in rehab.”
“For a year and a half?” Ali’s eyes widened.
“No. I was in a ninety-day inpatient program and then I did another sixty as an outpatient. Technically, I’ve been sober for fifteen months. But I didn’t want to come back until I had a year in the real world. It’s one thing to stay sober in a controlled environment, it’s another to do it on your own.”
Ali didn’t say anything. She just looked at him with an expression he couldn’t quite put his finger on. He wondered what was going on behind that caramel stare.
“I didn’t know you were an alcoholic.” She shook her head back and forth slowly. “I mean, I knew that you drank, a lot, but I didn’t know it was a problem.”
“To be honest, neither did I. I’ve always rationalized my drinking because I’d quit for months at a time if I had a fight coming up. But even before Patrick died, the length of time I’d sober up before a fight kept shrinking. It went from three months, to two months, to one month, and for my final fight I’d barely sobered up from the night before. And then after Patrick…,” he paused and lowered his head, “I went on a three-month bender. Every day I’d tell myself I was going to get sober tomorrow. Tomorrow would turn into next week, and then next week would turn into next month.”
When she didn’t respond he lifted his head and saw that she looked to be processing the information, so he went on to tell her everything.
“Then I hit rock bottom. I woke up one day and I had no idea what day it was. I was at some hotel with a woman I didn’t recognize and when I picked up my phone, I saw that it was January third. That’s when it hit me. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s had all passed since Patrick…and I’d missed them all.”
Ali sniffed back tears and her bottom lip trembled.
Kade reached out and held her hand. “I can’t even imagine how hard those holidays were for you and the boys.”
“We were fine.” She tugged her hand away and sat up straighter instantly erecting a protective shield. It broke his heart that she felt like she had to protect herself from him.
“I’m sure you were. But I should’ve been here and there’s no excuse. That was the day I checked myself into rehab. When I got out, I wanted to come straight here. And maybe I should’ve. But, you and the boys had already been through so much and I didn’t want to run the risk of disappointing you all over again. I needed to make sure that my sobriety was actually something I could sustain. There was no way I was going to subject you guys to what we went through.”
Ali nodded in understanding as a tear fell down her cheek. Patrick, Kade, and Ali had the shared experience of being kids of the town drunks. Being kids of Debbie Walsh and George McKnight wouldn’t be something he’d wish on his worst enemies, but it had bonded the three of them.
She wiped the fallen teardrop away with the back of her hand as she sniffed. “But why didn’t you tell me that? Why didn’t you tell me where you were? What you were doing? I thought you just left. I thought you didn’t even care about—”
Kade leaned forward, spurred by an urgency to make her understand. “I know. I wanted to tell you. Every day, I wanted to call and talk to you. I wanted to come see you. You guys were all I thought about. It killed me knowing what you must think of me, of how I could do that to you, but I didn’t want to be like them.
“How many times did your mom or my dad tell us that they were going to get help? That they were going to get sober? How many empty, broken promises did they make to us? I couldn’t do that to you. I had to know that I could be the man Patrick thought I could be when he named me as co-guardian of the twins. I had to know that I wouldn’t just be some loser fuck-up in the boys’ lives. I had to know that I wouldn’t be that in your life. I had to know that I would be the man that you deserved.”
Ali was still shaking her head as her eyes lowered once again to the medallion in her hand. “I was so mad at you. I hated you.”
“I know. And I deserved that. Maybe I still do. I don’t know if what I did was the right thing, but Ali, I swear I was only doing what I thought was best for you and the boys.” Kade paused again. “I had to know and now I do. That’s why I’m here. To stay. I mean, not here here. I’m going to look at houses next week.”
“What about your career?” Her eyes lifted to meet his.
A half-smile pulled at his lips. “I’m almost thirty-three years old. My cage fighting days are over.”
Concern rippled her forehead. “What are you going to do?”
“Are you trying to say the job market in Whisper Lake for high school dropouts whose special skills include drinking and fighting is not as good as I think it is?”
Ali’s face softened and she smiled as she shook her head. Kade felt like the ton of bricks on his chest had been lifted. Her smile meant hope to him. Hope that maybe, just maybe, he hadn’t royally fucked up his chance.
“No, I mean…MMA was your life, not just your career.”
You and the boys are my life now. He kept that piece of trivia to himself. “I made some good investments and had some profitable endorsement campaigns. I’m not rich, but I’ll be okay while I figure out what’s next.”
“Wow. Okay.” She wiped her eyes as Dumbass laid his head on her lap and she smiled down at him and reached to pet his head. “I’m kind of scared to ask what else you have to tell me.”
“Well, for starters, there’s going to be a barbeque here tomorrow.”
“What?” she shrieked.
“Yep, it’s a belated birthday party for the twins.”
“No!” Panic filled her golden eyes. “KJ doesn’t want—”