A tremble moved through Kat’s shoulder, forcing him to take a deep breath and calm himself down.
Which was frustrating since Dean hadn’t needed to do much to control himself in a long time. He didn’t normally have to worry about losing his temper, about anger. He was level-headed just about always.
Except now, when he really needed it.
“I’m not mad,” he said softly, trying to gentle his voice.
“You’re a terrible liar,” she responded.
He let out a soft laugh at the way she saw right through him. “Fine, I was mad, but I know it isn’t fair so I’m trying not to be. Better?”
“You were the one who was willing to teach me. I can’t believe you’re mad that I won once…” Her voice sounded as if she were pouting over it, and damn it, Dean couldn’t resist that.
He pulled her shirt down when he noted the scrapes were clean and not even bleeding. She’d be fine. “I’m not mad that you won.”
“Then why?”
“I was mad that you got yourself hurt, that you were reckless.”
“You were the one who told me I had to look for any opening.”
He pressed his lips together, hating that she was right. “Yeah, well, it’s easy to give that advice when we’re thinking about the worst that could happen. It’s a different matter entirely when you pull that shit during practice and end up hurt. In case you didn’t notice, I’m a lot bigger and a lot heavier than you are. You could have broken a rib if I’d come down wrong on you.”
She twisted to peer at him, her expression hesitant. “You’re upset because I could have gotten hurt?”
“Of course I am. I know you need to learn this, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. It just reminded me of what could happen, I guess.” He took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. “And I think I’m already in a weird head space after that phone call…”
“You avoided me after that call,” she said softly. “You didn’t seem to want to talk about it.”
“What’s there to talk about?”
“Well, maybe the fact that you said you’d killed before?”
Dean flinched at the words that she so easily said, as if they were nothing. He’d never wanted her to know that, never wanted to think back on what he’d been through that he’d tried to put behind him. However, the expression on her face said she wouldn’t let it go.
“Right. That.”
“If you don’t want to tell me, you don’t have to. I just want to understand you better.”
If she’d have demanded, he’d have shut up. If Kat had thrown a fit and cried and screamed, he’d have dug his heels in and told her to go to hell. Why was it that when she was sweet like that, he had no defense against her?
Dean sat on the end of the bed beside her. “I already told you that I’ve done some horrible things, crossed lines no one should to get by when I was younger. I decided that I wasn’t going to be that person anymore, but I guess…” He sighed softly. “I guess it doesn’t much matter how far someone goes, how much they try to change, they are who they are. I’m not going to apologize for what I said—I wasn’t kidding, I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you safe. If I need to become that person again, I’ll do it, but I never wanted you to see it. Never wanted anyone to see it, honestly, but especially not you.” Each word brought back another memory he’d tried so hard to lock away, forced him to face his past and face the things he’d done.
No matter how far he ran, how well he dressed, he was still that same thug he’d been before, wasn’t he?
He went to rise, to walk out, because there was no way Kat would want him to stay, not after that.
Kat grabbed his arm, though, kept him there.
“Kat…” he said softly, refusing to let himself give in to hope. “I’m not a good bet, okay? You deserve a lot more than me. I can put on these nice clothes, and I went to school so I can talk fancy, but none of that changes what I really am deep down.”
She didn’t let him go, though. She didn’t listen—did she ever? Instead, she shifted so she straddled him, so her thighs pressed against his hips, and she sat in his lap. She placed her palms on his cheeks, staring into his eyes in a way that made him feelfartoo seen. “I’m not afraid of you.”
“Yeah, well, maybe you should be. There’s something dark inside me, Kat, something that let me do those things. It’s still there—that call proved it.”
“There’s something dark inside of everyone. You’re right about one thing, though—people don’t change, not really. We learn, we adjust, but we’re the same people deep down.”
The words hurt, as if she’d cut him with them. Even though she said it with that voice, while she held his cheeks and stared into his eyes, they still were exactly what he’d always thought and feared.