“I think you should write her a letter saying exactly that.” She sniffles.
“Are you crying?”
“Of course I’m fucking crying! I’m a girl, aren’t I?”
Trust Beth to find the way to make me smile through the pain.
***
Day seven: post-Mia…
I seal the envelope. The envelope that contains the letter that’s taken me four fucking days to write. If you saw the letter, you’d be confused as to why it took me four days to write.
Basically, the letter is shit. Because I can’t write for shit.
And that’s the reason for the CD inside this envelope.
Yeah, I’ve become that guy.
The kind of guy that makes a CD with one song on it to tell the girl he loves how he feels.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that I lost my balls ages ago. I figured it out when I couldn’t get out of bed for three days over Mia leaving me.
So now me and my ball-less self is hoping that this song will tell her everything I’m failing to. Worst case, she’ll think I’m lame and laugh her ass off, and I’ll never hear from her again. But one thing I know for sure; whenever she hears this song, she’ll always think of me, because there are a handful of songs that I can’t listen to now without thinking of her. The first time I heard her singing in my car to that Taylor Swift song that I hate, but now listen to all the time … and the Will.i.am song that was playing the first time I kissed her.
Dad was right when he said music evokes memories.
This song might not evoke her memory, but it will tell her where I’m at right now, and hopefully bring her back to me. And that hope is all I’ve got left now.
I take a deep breath and drop the envelope in the mailbox.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Mia
Two and a half months later…
“You still haven’t opened that?”
I glance over my shoulder to see Danni standing in the doorway. Danni is a patient at the clinic, like me. Except Danni suffers with anorexia. It’s her second time back in. Not here. She was at a different help facility a few years ago, got better. But she relapsed recently. We met here on my first day. She’s a great friend to have as she understands everything I go through.
I’ve never had a female friend before, and it’s been wonderful to have one who understands me as well as Danni does. I’ve told her everything about me. Jordan’s words haunted me when he said I should open up to the next person who tries to get close to me, so I took that chance on Danni, and I’m glad I did.
She’s helped me so much. We’ve helped each other.
After what happened at the hospital, after Forbes’ attack, Dr. Packard encouraged me to press charges, so I did. Having Danni to hold my hand through it really helped.
Thankfully I didn’t have to go to court as I was here in the clinic.
Forbes didn’t get jail time for assaulting me at the hospital. I’m not sad about that as I never thought he would. He got a twelve month suspended sentence, and was forced to attend anger management classes.
I also took out a restraining order. Not that it would do any good. If Forbes wanted to get me, he would. But honestly, I don’t think he will. I think we’re finally done.
“No, I still haven’t opened it.” I sigh.
She comes over and sits on my bed. “You’ve spent so long staring at that thing, I’m surprised you haven’t burned a hole in it. Why don’t you put us both out of our misery and just open it because the suspense is just about set to kill me.”
Danni knows all about Jordan. How I felt … still feel about him. You think my feelings for him would have lessened, but they haven’t.
And now that I’m close to better, I’m finding regret a bitter pill to swallow.
I miss him so much.
My trembling fingers run along the line imprint, of what my extensive examination, has figured to be a CD case.
Why would he send me a CD?
She reaches over, her slender fingers touch my arm. “Open it. See what’s in there. It could be a DVD of him telling you how desperate he is to see you.” Her hands clutch her chest in a dramatic manner.
Danni’s a romantic. Even though she’s been burned in the past, she stills believes in love.
“I don’t know.” I shake my head. “Whatever this is – he sent it over two months ago. A lot can change in that time. He’ll have moved on, I’m sure.”
She shakes her head. “No way. Love doesn’t just disappear that quickly, especially not the kind of epic love you both have for each other.”
I raise my eyebrow. “You got epic love from what I told you about Jordan and me?”
She gives me a gnarly look. “What he said to you in the hospital, about how he’s in love with you … guys don’t just say that stuff easily, Mia, not guys like him. Epic, I’m telling you.”
With a heavy heart, I look back down at the padded envelope in my hands.
“What have you got to lose? Your treatment is almost done. You have a week left. Whatever is in here could determine where you go when you leave here.”
Nodding, swallowing down my fear, I slide my finger under the seal and tear it open.
I can almost hear Danni holding her breath as I put my hand inside the envelope.
My heart is beating a mile a minute.
I pull out a piece of paper folded in half, and a clear CD case with a disc inside it. On the front of the disc written in black pen is ‘Mia’.
I glance up at Danni. “Read it,” she encourages.
My shaking hands open the letter.
Mia,
I’ve tried for four goddamn days to write you a letter … trying to tell you how I feel about you - how much I fucking miss you. But everything I write just sounds inadequate. All I know is, being away from you … makes it hard to breathe. I miss you so much.
So, I’m sending you this song. It says everything I want to and can’t. And if you feel any differently about me … us, after reading this, then you know where I’ll be.
I’ll always be waiting for you.
Jordan
I wipe the tears from my face.
“God, you’re killing me here! What does it say?” Danni looks like she’s about to burst, so I hand the letter to her.
I watch her eyes scan over the letter. She reaches the bottom and looks up at me. Tears are glistening in her eyes.
“Holy hell … that was…” She presses her hand to her chest. “You have to listen to the song.” She thrusts the case at me.
“I don’t have a CD player – just an iPod,” I say defeated.
Her eyes scan my room. “Television!” she exclaims. “It has a built in DVD player – you can listen to it through that.”
My heart lifts. I jump to my feet, taking the disc with me.
I turn the TV on, and wait for it to come to life. My whole body is trembling.
“You’re a genius,” I say to Danni as she comes to stand beside me.
“It’s a gift.” She shrugs.
I take the disc from the case and insert it into the player.
Waiting for it to load feels like an eternity.
Then the song Jordan sent me starts to play, and the soft guitar intro to The Scripts “Man Who Can’t Be Moved” fills the room.
My heart picks up pace, and my eyes close on the lyrics. I absorb them. Hearing exactly what Jordan is trying to tell me.
‘I’ll always be waiting for you’
He’s waiting for me.
Danni grabs my hand at my side. I look across at her.
“Don’t wait the week. Go to him. Now.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Jordan
It’s been three months since she left. Two and a half since I sent the letter and song.
I haven’t heard from her.
The song didn’t work.
It was lame and stupid of me to think it would.
After waiting a few weeks to hear from her, I accepted she wasn’t coming back … and then I got pissed.
I guess it was one of the stages I had to go through. I’d done the depression. It was time for angry, so I went out and got trashed.
And I hooked up with a random chick.
Not my finest moment.
But it only got as far as her hand down my pants, jerking me off before I stopped it, because in that moment I’d realized that I could sleep with this girl, but I’d only feel the same, probably shittier, when I woke up the next morning. I’d still be in the same position. Mia still wouldn’t be here with me. I’d still fucking miss her. I’d still have this gaping hole in my chest that only she can fill. Screwing some random chick wasn’t going to fix that. It wasn’t going to fix me. So I removed her hand from my pants, told her I was sorry, and left.
Since then, the only action my cock has seen is from my hand.
I think about Mia. And I don’t mean when I’m jerking off. But while the subject is here, of course I think about her while I date my hand.
She’s the only thing I think about.
I figure at some time in the future, I won’t think about her so much. That I’ll eventually get there. Just maybe not right now.
So I’m keeping busy. I’ve been doing more tours for Wade. The first time I went back up to La Plata Canyon after being there with Mia was hard, but I swallowed past it, and now it’s getting a little easier each time I do a tour up there.
The hotel is still quiet fairly, but we’re chugging on and I’m working on a website for the hotel, signing up to tourist and travel agent sites, getting our name out there. My mission is to have the hotel busier than it’s ever been by next summer.
Dozer comes over and plants his face on my legs. “Hey, buddy, whatcha up to?” I say, pulling my eyes from the computer to look down at him. He got his cast off a while back, and he is totally back to himself.
Except he still misses Mia.
At times, I feel like there’s only him who understands me.
He nudges my leg with his head, and brings his paw up batting me with it.
“What? You hungry?” I reach onto the desk and grab one of the cookies I was eating.
I give it to him, and he takes it, laying down to eat it.
I rub my tired eyes, and look back to the spreadsheet I’m working on. Accounts. Fun times.
I know it’s bad when it’s a Friday night and even my dad is out on a date, but I’m sitting here with my dog, working the accounts.
I really need to get a fucking life.
The hotel phones rings.
“Golden Oaks,” I say, leaning back in my chair.
“You’re home on a Friday night? You really are turning into a sad case.”
“Thanks, Beth. You really know how to boost a guy’s confidence.”
She laughs. “Confidence is one thing you will never lack in, Jordan.”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Anyway, you’re giving me grief, but it’s not like you’re out, hitting up the town.”
“Um, working girl here.”
“Your mom isn’t paying you enough at the diner, so you’ve had to turn to being a hooker. Sounds like a Lifetime movie in the making”
“Ha. Smart ass. I called because I thought I’d let you know I’m sending a tourist up your way. Thinking I should change my mind, tell her to go somewhere else…”