“I stand corrected,” he says. “Guess you had it in you after all.”
“You were there the whole time?” I ask. “Thanks for the fucking backup.”
“After your little hissy fit about the Luciani girl, I didn’t think you’d be able to pull this one off,” he says. “You’re soft, kid. In this business, there’s no room for that. Eat or be eaten.”
“Spare the lecture,” I say. “I did my job. What was yours? Stand there and watch him kill me if that’s the way the chips fell?”
“My job was to make sureyougot the job done,” he says. “And to kill him if you didn’t have the balls. This was a test, in case you hadn’t figured it out. Big Al wants to know what you’re made of. Probably wanted to know where your loyalties lie, too. After shit like this goes down, family killing family, you have to take a good hard look at everyone in your inner circle.”
I’m not surprised. I knew he’d want to make sure I hadn’t been tainted by Little Al’s treachery. Again, that’s just the way it is. I can’t be offended. I get it.
All the way home, I repeat Il Diavolo’s words in my head.
He said everyone in Uncle Al’s inner circle. He included me in that.
When I started this job, I wanted to be the kind of man Al Valenti approves of, hard enough to survive the Life. As twisted as it is, killing his grandson is the way I proved that I am. Not just to him, but to myself. I don’t know if I’ve become a better man, but I know I’m a stronger one. I know I’m going to be okay. In the past six months, I’ve gone from a boy who thought he was a man to the real thing. Eliza turned me from a cocky high school kid who thought he was all that because girls wanted to fuck him, to a real lover. And the mafia has turned me from a scared boy wondering if he could pull the trigger to a man who’s taken lives in self-defense, for revenge, and as payment.
Once, I told myself I was closing the door to my old life and stepping into a new one. I didn’t know how true that was. Now I do. I can never go back to my old life. I wouldn’t fit. I’ve become what I was always meant to be. Not only a made guy but one worthy of Al’s inner circle. One who does what a man has to do in this business.
What I said to Little Al is true, though. I don’t want to be an heir to this empire. I want to be indispensable, though, and maybe I just proved that I am. I may not ever be a don, but maybe one day, I can be the consigliere to one. I may have come to them without experience, but I’ve proven myself to them, proven my loyalty, my protectiveness, my strength. After all, this is my family now, and no one fucks with my family.
This is where I belong. And what I did tonight shows what part I play in that family.
And best of all, there’s the little family of two that I’ve made with Eliza at home. That’s my reason now, the only one I need. I’ll always love my brothers, I’ll always miss my sister, and protect the Valenti name, but Eliza is what I live for. I can finally move on from the mistakes of my past and face a future more promising than I ever imagined. I have the kind of life I never dared to hope for. I have a wife I love and a job that recognizes my value, and a family that’s proud of me. And I’m alive for one more day. That’s all I can ask for.
Once, I thought a family was a liability, but now I see it for everything it offers, in all its complexity. Yes, it’s a liability, and it makes me vulnerable. It also gives me the strength to do what I need to do while keeping me grounded, making sure I don’t lose who I am despite the monstrous acts the job sometimes requires. When I started working for the Valentis, I thought it was easier to feel nothing than to feel pain, so that’s what I would do. It’s true, in a way. It is easier. But sometimes it’s worth it to feel the pain just to feel everything else that comes with it. After all, a man with no feeling is nothing but a monster in a suit.
Once, my sister said I’d see love differently if I felt it. Now I know she was right. If I’ve learned anything from loving Eliza, it’s that love is hard and sometimes painful, but it makes everything worth it. It makes even one day with her worth risking it all. I hope Crystal got to feel that before she died. I hope it was worth it to her.
I know it is to me. Eliza helped me see that. She helped me let go, give up control, and live in the moment, knowing that the next one is not guaranteed. This is the only moment we’re given, the only moment to tell my wife I love her, toshowher I do. Instead of holding back and being selfish, I’ll love her with every bit of my heart, for every moment we’re given, and be grateful that she loves me back. That’s something worth dying for.
twenty-nine
King
After dinner each night, we clean up together. Something about the simple act makes the place in behind my sternum that used to fill up with cold slush so warm it aches. I know that each of these moments, no matter how sweet, is fleeting. Not only fleeting but numbered. One day, my number will be up. Until then, I enjoy each moment, even when the sweetness hurts my teeth.
A week after she comes home, I bring her a brochure for a local school and slide it across the coffee table to her when we’re having a glass of wine after dinner and cleanup.
“What’s this?” she asks.
“I thought you could look at the classes they offer and maybe enroll in a few.”
“You want me to go to college?” she asks, picking it up.
“If you wanted to,” I say. “I just thought it might help you feel less trapped, give you some freedom, like you wanted.”
“Oh, King,” she says, giving me a pained smile. “I don’t feel like that anymore.”
“Still,” I say. “If you had your own money… Even if you don’t want to work, you’d have the skills to get a job if and when you want one. In case…”
“In case you’re killed,” she says, realization dawning on her face.
I nod. I promised to take care of her, not let her love a man with a job like mine. It’s too late for that, but at least I can make sure she’ll be taken care of if something happens.
I used to think leaving her a widow would be the worst thing I could do, but now I know better. Treating her like a business deal is worse. Not loving her and showing her how much I appreciate her as my wife is worse. Like a greedy dragon, I treated my own heart like a treasure to be hoarded and hidden away from her. But she was too smart. She snuck in and stole it when I wasn’t looking. For that, I am nothing but grateful. She opened my eyes, made me stronger, strong enough not to be afraid to hurt again. Strong enough not to be afraid to love.
I vowed never to love her or let her love me because I was so afraid of hurting her. That may happen, but I can’t let that stop me from living here and now. It only makes me treat each day with her as something sacred.Sheis the treasure. Every day, I get to show her that all over again. I’ll love her hard, with everything in me, like this day is my last. One day, it will be.